Being Me

Do you ever feel like you are a kind and fluffy person but as hard as you try to push through it all you still just find yourself going backwards.
That’s me!

I’m totally feeling that as I dig deeper again to try to help my girl who I love so much and is struggling right now. She needs alot of help. Lots of factors making her feel sad and isolated. My focus this summer will be in going right back to basics and trying to be everything she needs to find her way back to happiness. She is a sweet and lovely person who deserves to be happy. Life can be tough when you are gentle. It’s all about finding better ways to cope with it.
That’s a learning journey of experience. She just needs a helping hand in that right now.

All the while I’m still trying to push forward. I’m feeling like a relentless cuddly bear with the heart of a lion.
I have lots of moments when I stop and have to catch myself as I cry and then get straight back on it again.
Where there is a will there is a way. I’m always much better when I’m fighting for others. I’m fighting hard.

I know how much worry effort and sadness I have wasted over time on things I don’t believe in and lots of people who don’t care.
Letting stuff hurt me and letting it make me feel like less.
Sometimes having to do what I needed to do just to get by and keep going and survive on a very practical level.
Whilst carrying others.
And all the while seeing my own hopes and dreams disappear and having to just accept that despite it completely breaking my heart.
It’s been tough and I’ve crumbled under the strain at times. I’m not a warrior. I’m a gentle person who loves. But there is so much strength in love that makes me feel like a warrior just in that.
But I’ve never trodden on anyone else.
No matter what has been going on I would like to think I’ve always remained a decent and nice person.
Actually I don’t think, I know I have.
I’ve wised up to how the world is and how a lot of others are but I’ve fought against that feeling of bitterness. That would just eat me up inside and destroy the very thing that is beautiful about me and defines who I am and who wish to be.
When I think of who I have had to be and how much I have had to deal with all at the same time I find myself wondering how I’ve done it.
There are the easy trails but the more fulfilling of heart mind and soul, are always going to be more of a climb.
Sometimes I wish I would just take the easy peasy route. I feel guilty for all the things that Ive got wrong even though my intentions have always been good. But as I get over each hurdle and see the little differences I make over here and over there in every day life, without a label that provides significance, I feel more and more proud in who I am and how much I try.
That feeling is helping me right now. I know I’m getting somewhere.

I’ve met so many lovely people through my life. Some that travel along with me and some that are left behind as part of a chapter. I’ve left a lot of good people behind. There’s just not enough time in life to keep in touch with everyone in a meaningful way.
I guess I put all my efforts into the few rather than the many.
To really love anyone takes a lot of investment in time and effort and care.
I try to do that for my special few but sometimes in moments like now I have to concentrate my efforts where they are needed more.
But I like to think that my special few always know how much I love them.

I think through the years I’ve had a good mix of the strangers, the “in the moments” and the people that for me are really special and I hope will be with me forever.

I guess social media tries to do the same thing by making everyone the forever people.
Only do they feel special?
I don’t know how to do that version. It would just feel like a collection of people on a screen like a modern day “this is your life” without the red book.
Can’t say I’ve ever been desperate to be reunited with people from my past. But maybe because I’m still really good friends with the people who are really special to me.
The rest are wonderful memories.

I never assume or expect anything even though I know what the version I grew up with looked liked
But I certainly don’t ever expect what I’m not willing to give.
Funny how much I see others that do.
But I can’t just conform to what I don’t believe in. Expecting me to or judging me for not, just makes me want to even less. Just because the many do something doesn’t always mean it’s right…. or at least right for me 😊

Gratitude is something I always feel when I feel that from others. I’m guessing all my closest people feel similarly.

I’m happy doing all the things that are really needed right now.
Trying to help get stuff done as I encourage them to make decisions when they are tired and sad and have no energy to make these things happen.
I know it’s not my responsibility but I care, and I don’t want them to feel stressed in their sadness. Everything coming to a standstill as they feel overwhelmed which results in them not doing anything at all.
Picking it all up so that when the day comes they won’t be left with a feeling of guilt.
What a complicated feeling grief is.
I find some purpose in taking the load off others when they struggle. But feeling like I need to share it so they can take it back.
Yes, it feels a lot right now. I’m on auto pilot in getting things done but I’m also suddenly really feeling my roots. They are kicking in as I’m filled with the strength of my very own old girls who held some proper quiet working class feisty.
Don’t mess with me when I go into protection mode.
Even a cuddly bear knows how to kick arse if required.

In the process of putting together the order of service I found some therapy in listening to the different songs and looking at the pictures and making decisions on things I think their parents would have liked. Then offering it to them in a way that makes it easier for them to decide.

Sometimes when you have a blank canvas and your head is a mess you need to feel a little structure around it for it to feel less scary and overwhelming.
But not so much that it is prescriptive. Sometimes it’s enough to clear the way so that the options are more visible. I find it easier to make decisions when I’ve cleared away the mess.

It does make me think about why so many people feel comfortable in all the pandemic rules and follow them religiously without any thought or question. A version that feels so controlling by confusing people because of lack of clarity or playing on people’s fears that makes them completely reliant in seeking that safety. No wonder they just stop thinking for themselves. Just tell me what to do.

Its why I hate these rules so intensely and find it all so manipulating. The thought of living in a world where my life feels controlled fills me with dread. I have more of a fear in living with all the control, manipulation and lack of freedom in restrictions than I do in dying. Maybe because I know I’ve had a good life and I’m not chasing what I’ve missed.
I mean what is life without freedom.

I don’t care about the pub or the shops or any of that shit.
I do care about people’s livelihoods in that and how that’s been affected.
What bothers me is the measures that are put in place to try to control me and others, the under handed stuff pushed through under the cover of covid and all the people who seem to love being the covid police. People now being vilified if they don’t want the vaccination. Do I have to confirm that I’ve had mine. I have but what would you be thinking if I hadn’t.
Realising it doesn’t take much does it, for people to start telling others what they should be doing. This thing that was tested for five minutes and we all just said “ok”.
Having to go through checkpoint charlie anytime you want to go anywhere. I don’t have the app and I don’t want it.

No wonder some people are now losing the plot with this whole new world order thing.
I’m not in their league but I can see how quickly things can change. Especially people. That feels scary.
But then I’ve always questioned everything inside my own head. I’m observant even if I say little.
Or should I just be an empty head and just do as I’m told?

And let’s face it, history shows that anything is possible.
Will we round up all the people who are unvaccinated?

I’m a girl who grew up riding her bike around the streets on her own with the one rule of “be home before it gets dark”. Everything that happened in between was unknown and unscripted and no one knew where I was or what could happen. No phone to check in on me or find out where I was. Pure freedom to do and go where the hell I wanted. Tell me why anyone would wish to give that up.

Now I am faced with the possibility of a lifetime of supervision in every aspect of my life as the grip on us through different rules and technology keeps us all in our place. It’s why I love being in the forest and in the pool. I feel completely free in both of those environments.
Love it there. Why do I wish to go where I don’t feel free.

Sometimes I do things that ordinarily I wouldnt, but for reasons that mean something to me I am.

Firstly I am going to do the reading. I don’t really like standing up in front of others and talking.
But this is for someone I love and the reading is very beautiful. It is all about love. When I feel and believe in something then it is a completely different story for me and I find it easier.
The idea of two souls being reunited and love transcending all the material offerings of life. It is a reading made for me to read. I will feel very proud as I think of them both when I share those words aloud.

And I love the song below that was played in a time when he was clearly thinking about being reunited with his love . That alone fills my soul.
When I looked at the very simple version of what I created which doesn’t feel anything spectacular but was put together with lots of love and care and effort I felt really happy.
I know J was smiling on me when I finished.

I also agreed to have a two minute video made of me talking about a small creative company who I have worked with that do really great work.
Again I’m not a one to say yes to these things. I hate even having my photo taken.
But I love the realness of the person who owns it, who doesn’t have that smarmy and fake charm of a saleswoman. She doesn’t need to be that. The work talks for itself and has served a lot of people very well. Quality but at an affordable but fair price for their work alongside a real care for working with charities. I like the integrity that sits behind what she does and that’s what I’ll be championing. With my little common twang.

The reasons justify my efforts, my commitment, my care, my choices.

In contrast I found myself saying “no Im not going to do that” yesterday to my boss.
There are moments where my integrity is tested and I have to make decisions. Do I swallow it in order to conform or in this case to potentially keep my job, or do I stand up and be counted. I rarely conform but always choose a quiet life by rebelling under the radar in just doing it in my own way that feels right for me.
I can’t be bothered with the aggro.
But in this case I did the latter as I made a choice then and there to do whatever else might be required to pay my bills. I won’t be taking over the maintenance of this very expensive piece of junk purchased by those with big egos spending other people’s money.
You wanted it you sort it out.
It’s very easy to be frivolous with what you haven’t toiled for.
I have many times shared my feeling in this. Knowing what an outrageous waste of money it was. Ignored and told that there is more waste elsewhere. I wasn’t talking about elsewhere. I didn’t care about elsewhere. I’m talking about here and people who give their money not realising that it is wasted on things that aren’t really needed.
To provide some big ego with a fancy job title looking for a way to prove them selves and escalate up the ladder.
Well I don’t give a shit who these well paid people are. It wasn’t their money to waste. And I certainly will not be lumbered with it.
Find some other mug cause you’ve confused my care with being a yes girl.
You didn’t care. You deal with it.

Fuck it! I’m a helpful person who will offer to do anything for anyone but I won’t be pushed about by people who throw their weight about just because they possess a tiny little bit of power.
I used my power.
The ability to say no and it felt good.
I now need to find something new, sooner rather than later. I can be pretty bloody minded in some moments when I risk it all for what I believe in.
In the end I’m a worker and will always work for what I need doing a bit of this and a bit of that. I’m pretty versatile and I certainly dont give a shit about a fancy job title. But I don’t ever want to be pushed into position where I find myself feeling a lack of integrity. I’d be much happier cleaning toilets.

Anyways It has only accelerated a decision that was already in my mind.
Every now and then life and situations demand moments when I have to stand up and say “No”.
Yesterday was one of those.

And I’m at that point in the show where life is too short to waste on things I don’t believe in or people who don’t care.
Im not playing in that game with their rules.
I’m just gonna play nicely with the kids I find who also have some integrity and aren’t just in it for themselves.

Change is coming but my version is one that has always been my normal and has always existed.

I call it …

Being Me

This one is dedicated to Love ❤️

2 thoughts on “Being Me

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