It’s funny. You would think that the sun shining and the birds singing would be the perfect antidote to sadness.
I find sadness is much easier to feel comfortable in when it’s raining.
Feeling sad in the sunshine while everyone else is happy and having fun just feels like torture.
No escape. Even in the garden I could hear all the laughs and frivolity coming from the cricket club.
Even the sunshine felt like it was showing off.
I had to dip back into my past as I looked at photos of a beautiful day when I met many different characters as I skipped round a pub in San Francisco. Me at my finest as I chatted to everyone and anyone in my easygoing and smiling and naive way and made lots of friends for five minutes, some of which were captured in photos. One of my funniest days and nights ever. That bar was rocking as this very girl next door with a funny accent (which back then felt more of a novelty) got everyone chatting and dancing.
I met all sorts. The lumberjack, the prostitute, the Jamaican hottie, the preppy college couple, the old girl who looked like the queen.
Finding a similar version to myself in the cool guy from New Zealand who was travelling who later in the day asked if I wanted to travel on with him.
Of course I didn’t. I was young and in love.
I can’t lie, I felt jealous yesterday.
Jealous of all those people on the happy train that I can’t seem to catch up with.
Right now I am surrounded by sadness and feeling it deeply within, in so many different ways and forms.
As someone else’s pain finally ceases it is picked up by those who are left behind with a gaping hole that is felt both in that loss and the lost connection with someone who we also love and miss but somehow was still felt through that person.
Like losing her all over again.
I always thought I understood what loss felt like. Full of empathy and understanding. As with most things it’s hard to really get close to this stuff until you really feel it in all it’s force. I’m still some distance away in it not being my own mum but if I compare my own pain right now mixed up with what I am feeling from P and my girl then I know I have some severe heartache to come. This ache that pulls you under until you feel like you are buried and can’t breathe. That hurts inside like you are being ripped apart at the seams. Being close, intimacy, love is a beautiful thing. But it hurts more than you can imagine when it is gone.
I’m a very warm and loving person. It’s the thing that most makes me, me. I can already feel the difference love is making for my girl as I see the colour come back into her cheeks. She needs that love so much right now. But it’s tiring.
And P finally starting to feel it. Fighting with it so as not to feel it. An operation ahead in a few weeks that will leave him frustrated and me once again jumping into a caring role.
What am I supposed to do?! I am his family.
But then looking at my own life and realising that I don’t actually have one.
I don’t have a life of my own.
At some point Im gonna have to start again from scratch.
While I’ve been rooted in the same spot everyone else has moved on and built new things with new people.
That feeling of being alone sweeping across me as I hear all the people laughing together on the other side of the hedge.
Tiredness messes with my head. Taking each day is the only way to handle things. So much to get done in order to move forward but it’s hard to get those things done when everyone is worn out.
So I hold on to the essence of the carefree smiley girl who lives inside me. Who has never really changed through all the years but the harsh realities of real life caught up.
And yet I know that I don’t begrudge caring for others.
That’s what real love is..
And I’m glad I’m that girl.
It’s just I’m scared of never finding my way back to happiness.
Of never allowing myself to have the things that make me happy. Im not sure I even know what those things are anymore? or how I will find people to share with? Or even where to start?