I’m fighting with myself. Messed up in a tired head.
The whispers of positive rattling negatives cage right now.
Wanting to be set free.

I’m scared to be set free again. Not in the world. Just in a life of my own.
In fact I’m finding it hard to get to that point of even being able to free myself.
Practicalities still at play.
Choices hindered by new responsibilities and financial challenge.

Are they just excuses?

No. This is real life. And I know the value of security for me and for others.
It’s easy to not care about such things when you just have them.
If it was just me then it would all look different. But I have to consider others. I want to consider others.
But I feel like I have spent so much time captive in responsibility that I think I’ve now become dependent on it for safety.
I feel controlled by it.
Losing everything previously built shattered me and distancing myself from most people so my life wouldn’t be seen and I wouldn’t have to explain has left me isolated.
Starting again is starting again. It feels tiring, scary, lonely especially in this new world that I don’t feel part of and surrounded by lots of people I have nothing in common with.

Why are you scared?

I don’t want to be despised again. Or called selfish. I’ve tried my hardest to be a good person. I don’t want to feel that sadness in their disappointment and anger in me again.
Everything I’ve tried to help with lost as though I did nothing and leaving me feeling like I’m a nobody. Like I’m no good.

You’ve been here before. You’re not a nobody. You’re a good person. You couldn’t fight any harder for others.
Fight harder for you.
In the way you are still doing for others and always will.

For what?
What’s the point of fighting for me.
To get knocked down again?
I’m tired of getting knocked down.
No rocky fight left.
No motivation to pull myself back up again.
Wishing to just stay down and hope for the closing credits to come soon.

That’s not who you are. You have so much more to you than this. Get up and do something. Just one little change. Just Try!

I AM TRYING!!!! I’ve been trying and trying!!!! Can’t you see that. Can’t anyone see that?! I’ve been trying since the very start. I was completely courageous in it. Four years of getting up and getting knocked down and getting back up and getting knocked down again. Continually.
It has bloody hurt.
Hidden behind closed doors but fighting so hard.
Watching others who don’t have to try so hard always falling on their feet.
Don’t you know how soul destroying that can feel.
Leaving me thinking “what’s wrong with me?”
Always trying to give and then watching others who only ever take.

And even with all that effort to be back exactly where I started. Worse than where I started.
All I can hear is noise, demand and expectation.
overwhelmed by others sadness and more sadness. Holding all their struggles.
Only whatever I do it never seems to be enough.
And unable see a way forward.
Every direction I look in appearing like a dead end.
Leaving me in moments wishing I could take the exit from this life. Feeling like I’ve had enough.
Wanting to just disappear and sleep.

Then just find a quiet place and rest. There’s no hurry. One move at a time.
You’re doing so well. Dont you know how well you are doing?
Don’t you know how well you have done?
You’re more than you ever give yourself credit for.
You’re more than others ever see.
You should be so proud of who you are.
Don’t give up on you!
Somewhere ahead when you are ready and the time is right there is a whole new adventure waiting for you. The sort of adventure that only you can create and others will wish they could have been a part of. The right people will be there for you when the time is right.

Somewhere buried deep down I can hear my voice shouting out for me. Trying to motivate me to get back into this game called life and fight for me.
And while I hear it, even in moments like this, in just a whisper to myself, I know I still exist somewhere…

… even if I can’t find my courage today.

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