Yesterday I had a message from my lovely friend asking me how my week has been for me.
I looked at it and thought about it but I just didn’t know how to respond.
That’s one of the things I have found hardest through everything over the past few years.
Thinking of myself as some sad, needy and messy bird who can’t sort her life out.
And probably looking like some kind of crazy nutter who can’t cope.
Actually at times I haven’t been able to cope. But it’s ok. I’m human. There’s been such a lot of real. I’ve been trying my best.
My beautiful friend who recently became a new mum said “nobody tells you how hard this is”.
Words I’ve said many times after becoming a mum and in the years that have followed as the responsibility levels are ramped up by being sandwiched between a child and ever aging parents. Life no longer being about what will I do but more what will I do and how does this impact on others.
Yep no one tells you how hard it is or more so, how to deal with any of it.
I can confirm that none of that stuff looks like the glossy version in the adverts or films.
In the end there is no manual for any of it despite all books that I see containing a whole lot of theory. Believe me, when you are up to your eyes in it and use the F word it never has the letters “reud” after it.
You are winging it all the way and hoping for the best. And when things go wrong you try your best in what that is. Trying to find the best in who you are.
For the past couple of weeks, ever since the funeral I’ve felt mentally exhausted.
Thinking in moments that I wish I could also just rest in peace.
I know what the every day reality of it all has looked like.
But I have also discovered I’m made of more than I ever realised or that other people ever see.
I’m much stronger than I might appear from all my rambles and then sometimes I’m not.
I’m giving myself some credit for keeping going and getting back up.
Giving myself credit is something I often struggle to really do.
Even though on this occasion I am finding it so much harder to get back up.
Although I have managed to keep working and to still look out for others. But the rest of the time I’ve been sleeping. Completely and utterly exhausted in every way possible and feeling so negative.
Not even the energy to walk in the forest or swim which are things I love.
Everyone has a limit in how much they can take and I most definitely reached mine.
The moment that I opened my eyes the next morning I had nothing. Empty tank. Even that shit stuff that congeals at the bottom of the tank that they say will fuck up your engine.
Yep my engine has felt completely knackered.
Trying to be kind to myself hasn’t been a choice it’s just been a necessity.
But I’ve certainly also been getting on my nerves. “Sort it out luv” are words I’ve said to myself many times as I’ve felt like a tired and boring victim.
Crying and feeling sorry for myself.
I hate feeling like that. Sick of it actually. I don’t even want to be around myself so why would I want to put myself around anyone else.
I’m tired of being that girl talking about sad stuff. I want to talk about fun and happy things. I want to laugh and dance and play.
But I can’t pretend. Real is my middle name. I don’t want to just fake happy.
Sometimes life is tough and life is sad and you just have to deal with it and feel it.
It’s shit to be honest.
But I do have the will to work it out, make changes and grow.
I have grown already. I have the ability to sort things out and also to soothe myself.
A child at heart but a grown up when I need to be.
Perhaps when I apply for my next job I should put in all the stuff that I’ve dealt with in all my other unpaid roles that requires so much more than I’ve ever needed whilst doing any of those boring office jobs that pay the bills.
And yet you show a piece of paper saying you read a book and wrote a couple of essays and you are seen as more qualified.
In the end when I feel like I’m struggling to cope I know that it is only because I am tired and I need to rest and sleep.
To find some solitude and peace.
Unfortunately you don’t accumulate paid holiday for that either.
Anyways I asked if I could save that question and answer it when I felt more ready.
Wishing to share a different version of my week.
A happier and more interesting version that I wish to put out in the world. A person who is still real and gentle and vulnerable in my own very human way but also with a confidence in who I am and can be.
To be the light hearted and easy going girl who has fun but still mixed in with the deep thinker who doesn’t want to just be an empty head.
I want to be able to show all the lovely qualities I possess that have been hidden away underneath all the difficulties and challenges
The stuff I love about myself but hasn’t had the space or opportunity to really come out and flourish in the way it has previously. The stuff that makes mine and other people’s lives happier. The stuff that is filled with dreamy magic.
Just for a different flavour can I be that version again.
Its not that I wish to be an island or that I don’t need help and support sometimes, but I need to find my own courage to take back control of my life again and make it what I wish it to be.
Talking about it works to a point and then you have to do.
Doing is where I’m at now and this morning I finally woke up to a little more energy and I used it.
Not life changing stuff in that way where apparently winners are rational and measured and can do anything.
It’s not who I am or who I wish to be.
But in a quiet way where I breathe in the air and I see the sun breaking through the clouds and feel all the emotions that come with that.
For me this is more of a gentle journey back to happiness. More of a lazy river leading to a field full of daisys.
I doubt it will make it on the bestsellers list of self help books because the only achievement I’m looking for is to skip happily through the daisys again with a smiley face.
I know that girl certainly still exists. I felt her when I saw that white butterfly.,
It’s just that life has happened and it’s not easy to skip through a minefield.
So I’m taking the long way round which wont get me there fast but as life doesn’t come with a timeline at least this route is one that will allow me to take in the simple sights and pleasures along the way.
Thoughts of travel entering my head again.
The mere thought of possibilities feeling like a leap with wings. I’ll get there if I’m meant to.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m certainly not ready for any of that yet. I haven’t even stepped outside of my flat for two weeks.
I like the feeling that comes with just maybe.
Yesterday when I replied to that question I said that I would save it until a time when I felt ready to answer it.
I then slept on a lounger for the entire day in the sun because I didn’t have the energy to do anything more than that.
So where to start?
I have to start somewhere.
Somewhere small and achievable.
This is the diary of small changes.
Sunday Day 1 Start Again
Today I have been in my garden all day cutting back all the weeds and the long grass and the overgrown ivy and the red rose bush I planted when I first moved here.
The roses are a beautiful deep red colour. It’s the only plant that has ever survived due to my lack of interest in gardening.
I just like swinging on the hammock or Lying there looking up at the clouds and hearing the birds sing.
But this stuff has to be done and I cleared it all up and bagged it before
mowing the overgrown grass which made all those daisys disappear.
Every time they grow again I think I’ll check in to see where I’m at.
When I finished I stopped and had a cup of tea and a miniature bar of dairy milk. I felt so pleased with myself. Not because my garden looked nicer but because I finally felt like I got up again and made my first little change…
Just to try.