The Diary of Small Changes … Day 2-4

Day 2 Wipeout!

So I can safely say this isn’t gonna be the ABC version of 1 2 3 HAPPY

It started well. A beautiful morning as I woke up. I liked that early morning feeling when it’s so quiet. Sitting in the garden watching a little green spider trying to navigate my chipped and battered garden table. Stretching its legs to get across the gaps. Sometimes it was just too far to stretch so an indirect route was taken to find a smaller gap. A larger green spider appeared following the little one. Found myself thinking about being behind my girl. Not too close but just watching out for her and I thought about myself and others looking out for me from a distance with enough presence to be a comfort.

And then more green spiders appeared. A hustle and bustle of the garden table world where they navigated each other. Often looking at each other to work out how they would pass each other. It all felt very polite and civilised. The biggest green spider walking across the top of one of the tiny ones. Squashed but still surviving. Maybe it was so small that it wasn’t noticed.

I sat there for half an hour watching and then listened to a “ramble”
I’ve been chuckling since thinking about wet “not made to last” primark socks from water permeating holes in not aesthetically perfect trainers that provide excellent heel support.
What a beautifully funny description that was probably throwaway and trivial but was the thing that stayed in my mind and made me smile at different times in the day. Yes words can be used so beautifully if you have the gift.

I spent the majority of my day sitting bored at a laptop with people moaning at me. Patience is a virtue and knowing when to make the big moves is something I’ve learnt from experience.
As they all moaned I responded thanking them for their patience and understanding even though I should have been thanking myself as they were neither.
We all have stuff we are dealing with. I try not to take mine out on random people elsewhere.
We are all just trying our best aren’t we?
Sometimes I love people and sometimes I find them so draining and ignorant.

Perhaps all the gardening wore me out too.
Perhaps I need to pace myself from doing absolutely nothing to then clearing a whole garden.

Lesson – Take your time building up energy.

Day 3 Little by Little

I went to open the window and saw a yellow butterfly fluttering on it looking in.
Yellow butterflies represent fun and joy.
Im definitely feeling that universe looking out for me right now. It feels reassuring.

A little like top gun I feel the need, the need for speed in getting to the good stuff.
The fun and joyful stuff.
We are over the worst but now stuck in the practicalities. They are messy and tiring and will take time.
It’s hard to really move forward without getting them sorted. Anything nice just being a momentary distraction from the real stuff that needs to be dealt with. I’m in it and I’m hearing my voice. Finding this part uncomfortable but necessary in trying to secure a future that has been worked so hard for. Having to remind myself often as I try to feel my own sense of integrity.
This feels tough in a very different way.
But it has to be done. I can avoid it or deal with it. But it’s going to take time.

Note to self … adventures and fun are somewhere ahead.

And then hear the Cincinnati kid in me..
“You’re just not ready for me yet”.
And I know it’s true.

Films Films Films.
Yes I find my inspiration in films, my own imaginings and sharing from others that I hold dear.

Being energyless is something I’ve not experienced much in life. I’ve always been full of energy. Bubbly fun.
But a lot work required to get to that and emerge as a “superstar” as my mum called me yesterday. More likely falling arse over tit with set backs, falls and fuck ups on the way. This film is a little more gritty true life story right now than magical fantasy.

My mum is my biggest fan. She reminds me often what a beautiful and magical person I am. Life cant stop you she tells me.
Well it kinda did to be honest.
But I appreciate her encouragement. Getting up was the hardest bit.
I have felt a little more energy today.

My head is in planning mode. Well I say that loosely. My version of planning is imagining. Trying to work out what I want, what I need and how best to get it by dreaming what that looks like.
No nicely put together list. Think it then do it.
I know what I love.
But I also like trying new stuff and I love to share.
Given the finances I’d probably have if all sorted by the end of the week.
But one stepping stone at a time.
Taking the Long route.

I’ve always been a pretty joyful person in life. Stuff hasn’t bothered me so much in the past. You know all the crap that winds people up.
It’s only when I’ve been squashed down to the bottom that it’s really got to me. Ground down.
I didn’t think it possible but there you go.
Unlike others who have been bored through lockdown and have found new hobbies, new lives or themselves, I haven’t stopped. It’s just been relentless.
I think that might be why I’m imposing a little of my own lockdown so I can try to recharge and find some space and peace.
And somehow try to get a sense of myself again.

Im certainly being self sufficient.
I know how to take care of myself. I always have from when I was a kid.
Quietly without anyone noticing. You had to just get on with it and with my mum working all the time I had to grow up and sort out what I needed whilst navigating all the shit that I didn’t.
No one waiting to catch me and sort things out.
It’s why I try so hard for others.
Sometimes I wish someone would catch me before I realise that’s my job.

But I certainly do appreciate the care of others.
Its not their job to look after me. Its my job to do what needs to be done to change things.
But their care and inspirations I catch with open arms.

So firstly for me I think, in the same way as my battered garden table, I need a little bit of a makeover. Eye check, dentist, need my haircut. Total Basics.
Thought it Booked it!

Lesson – Doing as I go works for me.
Small, trivial and insignificant is so much more than it appears.

Day 4 Wonder and Opportunities

Wow those daisys grow fast or maybe I only flattened them when I was mowing and they bounced back up. But there was a sea of them this morning.

Where am I at?

Changing my approach.

Last night me and my girl took a walk in the forest. It was nice to be back in the home I love.

I then shared Wonder with my girl last night. The trials of life and how each character experiences these things differently. How things have a knock on effect. How easy it is to miss what might be happening for someone else.
The only thing we can really have control of is how we respond and try to deal with them.
It’s not easy. I don’t care what the books say.
When you care it adds another layer.

We are on our own journeys right now but we are in it together.
I’m feeling the strength of that as she looks to me to see how it’s done and I look to her to see how it’s done.
Inspiration in just that.
Helping and loving each other as we go.
It’s a roller coaster but I am trusting in what we share and hers and my ability to help ourselves.

Ok .. I got this! Or sometimes not when the tiredness of doubt rolls in. Trying to drown it out with belief.

Yesterday I mentioned to a colleague that I had thought of applying for a job in the area of the business she heads up. I didnt apply for it because I had too much other stuff going on. The timing wasn’t right.
Today she replied knowing exactly which role I was interested in. Good sign. And then advised that it was still available. They hadn’t managed to recruit for it and it was going to be re advertised shortly.
Was I still interested?

It was one of those moments when an opportunity shows itself twice. It doesn’t happen that often but when it does it says second chance.
I said I was still interested.
It feels new, interesting, different. It’s not even the point if I get it or not. It’s me striving for change. Where might that take me?
All of a sudden just in putting myself out there I felt my courage. I told my girl about it.

My girl then made her call. Resistant but guided by trying.
Little steps. Little changes I say.
I felt so proud of her In what for her was such a big brave step.
It gave me a lift.

As she went off with her dad I immediately picked up my phone and played this tune, hearing the words of that Foxx in my head.
And danced in my kitchen, next to my laptop with the fan blowing my hair like a Beyoncé music video.
Superstar for a moment.

I didn’t need to try lovely friend. In that moment I completely felt it ❤️

Lesson – Share the SideWalk.

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