Diary of Small Changes … Day 8-9

Day 8 Protected

I woke up early with the sun shining and a hot day ahead.
I felt the tiredness of all the work from the day before and also from trying.
Trying takes effort. Effort is tiring.

Trying to get to a place where I feel like me and I can be around others again.
Underneath all of it I miss people.
People that I love to be around. But holding myself back from it all.
Scared to put myself back out in the world again even with those I trust the most.
I think right now it all feels like a place where people will hurt me. Where no matter how much I try, someone will see me trying and without a thought will squash me.
So I am avoiding getting squashed by hiding away. In my own little garden world where I feel safe.

As I looked at my phone the first thing I saw was a memory created by my phone of St. Paul’s Bay. I remember the feeling of walking onto that balcony and watching the sunrise over the sea.
It was a moment where I felt very free
Omg It was so beautiful.
I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I felt like I had worked so hard for that moment.
It was like I had finally made it to the other side and would have time and strength to sort out all the other things so that I could move forward.
Only to find a few months later that I was still in it with writes and rewrites. Will this thing ever end?
But I loved that summer.
Two trips to beautiful places. Lovely memories from both alongside some digs that squashed me in that moment that I stopped and could be happy.

It’s very hard not to go back through this stuff. That time is all so connected to this loss as I feel both losses in their entirety.

I then saw a message depicting something I love to do.
Ride my bike..

I love riding my bike.
Adventure and freedom.

I’ve always been captivated and Inspired by their adventurous spirit since I met them. They have that in abundance.
Free spirited in a way I am inside.
Connected in so much.
I have that adventurous spirit too. Im just not as brave in it as they are or I once was. They have had more practice in that but I’ve had my moments. When did I lose that? During those three months and beyond. And then I started to find it again in a new place with new people. Building it slowly as I remembered who I was and how to be that.
But I feel like I’ve lost it again.

Even though I know I’ve been brave in other ways.

I still feel that fight with myself. Push forward, stay back. Push forward. Stay back.
It sounds like I’m not trying
I really am trying!

In my tiredness I took a hot sunny day to sleep in the afternoon.
In the past I would have found a million things to do but I just didn’t have it in me. Just tired.

When I woke up it was cooler and I painted the table and hammock again with varnish before accidentally kicking the rest of the pot over.
Or was it accidentally on purpose.
No I think just clumsiness in my rush to finish.

A day of no big shakes and yet I wanted to shake myself .. shake myself out of what this is. Trying but there’s such a sadness in me that resides deep down inside. Guilt washing over me in feeling like I didn’t try hard enough even though I know that I couldn’t have tried harder.
I said I felt embarrassed. More silly
in revealing myself in all that dreamy magic. The stuff kids laughed at when I was younger and I always kept to myself beyond. Letting it loose there because I thought it safe.
How silly I must have looked to others.
Silly just being me.

I have to tell myself that it’s just tiredness talking but I know it’s more.
Wondering in these moments if I’ve lost the very essence of who I am as I wish to remove myself from everything and everyone I love.
Feeling like I don’t want to care so I don’t have to feel any more loss or rejection but trying not to lose and reject in the process.

Varnish me up!

No lesson just feeling .. but Perhaps it’s easier to feel this stuff myself when my girl isn’t around.
I’m so proud of her trying.

Day 9 Try again

Woke up early and finally went back to swimming at 7am. It was wonderful. Little change .. from night to morning every day.

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