Diary of Small Changes … Day 11

I listened to this song last night after sitting in the forest with my girl as we shared over a bottle of wine. Girl to Girl .. Woman to Woman.
Feeling like I turned a little corner in finally understanding a little more in where she is at and where her sadness lies.
All of it steeped in so much loss.
Silence and whispers and tears. Not that gushing variety but the type that Is so controlled on the surface but inside felt like an explosion of all that pain and sadness that sits inside her as a few tears ran down her face behind her sunglasses.
I felt it and it cut through me in not being able to protect her from it.
Tears that held so much in so little as I Istroked her hand. Her face showing all the pain of sadness she is trying to hold.

My own pain in not being able to scoop it all out of her so she doesn’t have to feel it anymore.
Feeling helpless in that.

Instead just sharing my versions of similar with her with honesty and openness which prompted her to share more of hers.

It was so honest and heartfelt with such a deep connection that held all of our sadness.
A connection in sadness with someone that you truly love is filled with so much strength and love and trust.
Being able to cut open your wound and show it to someone you know who truly loves and cares about you is just so real.

Sadness isn’t something you can just fix. It takes time. Has to run in its own course.
I don’t mind swimming in it with her or her swimming with me in mine.
A plaster is just a way to keep going.
Whereas the real healing can only start when you allow yourself to really feel it. And it’s painful and tiring and makes you feel rubbish.
But you don’t have to be alone in that. Sadness shared with Sadness is sometimes easier than sadness shared with happy.

I felt so lucky last night to have that connection with her. 19 years in the building from the moment she was a baby in my arms looking into each other’s eyes in the quietness of night as I would stroke her hand to soothe her to sleep.
For a moment like last night when she needed less of a mum but more of a friend. Her words not mine.

No clever words spoken, no silences in the right moment or well thought out questions.
Just pure love and care that can’t fix it but could most certainly leave me feeling it in a way she needed me to.
As we were packing up we hugged and she said that she was glad I was her friend and proud of me for everything I had done over the past two years and before.
In an instant my feelings of whether all those decisions and struggles were in vain were rescinded. I knew inside in my heart that I had made the right choices for the right reasons in those moments despite the costs to my own wellbeing and happiness but to hear it from her gave me the validation I needed.
It could not have come from anywhere else.
All those sacrifices and losses in order to try to protect her and provide future security.

She laughed for the rest of the evening when we got home and had our baguettes 😊

Today with a lighter feel to her. We are only at the beginning I know but as the song goes it was a very good place to start.

Just as I finished writing she walked through the garden like a sunny little vision carrying red roses for me.
“Thanks for being so nice to me”
“You’re my girl. What else would I be.
I love you. ❤️

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