Armour or Amore
How do I live and survive in this world and keep hold of all the parts of myself that I hold dear.
Being gentle, warm, dreamy, kind, caring, and loving.
The realities of real life in this real world always requiring me to be something more. Something different.
The real version can chat to lovely J in water world where I don’t have to worry beyond swimming.
But in the real world where I am responsible for more than just me especially in these particularly difficult times where everything feels uncertain and there has been so much sadness and loss, I need to be more than just caring and loving.
I have to be a protector. Like a warrior armoured up. A version that most people don’t see but I would not have made it through so much if I didn’t have it in me.
There is no one there protecting me. There never was when I was a kid. I learnt how to do that for myself.
When I did show my vulnerability I just ended up getting hurt and feeling stupid.
Because the reality is that in order for me and others like me to survive in this world when you don’t have that luxury of protection that others just take for granted, you have to toughen up. You have to scrap it out. You have to do things you don’t want to do. You have to hold yourself back.
And sometimes you have to fight.
Being able to just be the soft and dreamy version is so wonderful. It’s when Ive felt at my happiest in this life. To be able to share that is epic and rare.
Especially as in the wrong company it just made me appear weak.
Made me someone that you can bully and laugh at and look down on.
Made me doubt who I was and who I could be.
J gets the real version when we smile and chat in the pool as my defences take a break and I just swim.
But in the real world, especially now, as the world starts to turn again and I start to see what that new version is going to look like, there is no choice but to armour up ready to do battle with those who don’t see life in the same way as me. Who don’t hold any of the same values as me. Who don’t care about the things and the people that I care about.
That feel that they have the right to walk over those they see as weaker.
In the end it’s those people that own this world. That have control over the things I need in order to take care of those I love.
They don’t care about people like me. We are just inconveniences in this world who they see as less than them.
And yet inside I know the opposite is true. Because even though I have to armour up in order survive in their world, inside mine, there is something pure and beautiful that they will never really understand.
This one is for all those beautiful natures, who are out there in the world battling. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6lt2JfJdGSY