Yesterday I felt the strength and courage of the lion within me as I whipped my blonde mane in defiance as I pressed send.
As I’m writing this I can see a tiny baby snail moving slowly across my garden. In no rush. It’s long black tentacles at full stretch as it senses the way. Carrying its home on its back while it navigates the various obstacles in its path.
Those moments of hiding away replaced by some movement. Completely up and at em in very slow motion as it silently glides along.
Yesterday I went into battle.
For a moment transforming from the down to earth and friendly blonde bird who lives at number x to a rebel leader for the over 70’s crew in the flats.
They’re just nice people. Lived here much longer than me.
I remember their husbands or wives that they’ve lost.
They remember me in my early twenties as I came home from drunken nights out and then as a young mum.
I was never no trouble. Never having loud and crazy parties at the flat.
Always preferred to go out for fun.
My home being more of a sanctuary.
Loved singing out loud to my tunes that I can never remember the words to. “I heard you singing” they would say.
But I always respected the rights of everyone else in the flats. You live so close together it feels important to be considerate. I was grateful for that when i had a tiny baby to get to sleep.
There is something special about this place. Old fashioned I guess you would call it. Filled with all sorts of different characters. Actually they are a crazy little lot. I got stories that would make your hair curl.
New people coming and going and always welcomed but the majority have lived here for twenty plus years. It has a nice little down to earth vibe where everyone looks out for each other but without invading your space. When I close my front door I feel like I live in a house.
Even though I always hear the polish man upstairs playing the piano. I love that.
We’ve grown and evolved together like a strange little family.
As I finished writing my objection which took me two days I thought about how much I’ve learnt from getting up this time. It’s been the hardest version of what that has looked like. An exhaustion felt after coming full circle as I finally stopped.
So much loss. So much difficulty. So many scars.
And yet it is feeling like my strongest return as I start to see my strength and energy grow.
Dealing with a lot but I’m seeing so much in myself that I feel really proud of. I’m certainly a tryer with a very good heart.
I think I also feel the strength from getting myself back up. Not relying on others. Not wanting to be a victim or that person that can’t sort her life out. It’s just been a very tough chapter that’s all. I took myself out of it all, gave myself a chance to just lie down before shouting at myself to “Get back up!”
And not just to get up but to fight harder for me as well as those I care about. Putting in some time and effort in looking after me too.
Because I’m worth it and I deserve to be cared about too.
So I’ve been doing it for myself. Without feeling like I’m a drain on others.
Feel like I’m rising in realising how well I have done in surviving it all and reflecting on what I’ve learnt in it all.
Gentle I may be but I’m pretty resilient by all accounts. I think many might have ended up having a nervous breakdown. Believe me I’ve come close a couple of times. But kept pushing through. I definitely feel something else emerging. Someone wiser and more capable.
Trying so hard for my girl right now. Sometimes I think I turn a corner and then other moments it feels like we are getting nowhere. It’s hard not being able to just fix it.
But I keep my faith that time will mend things. She’s such a sweetheart. She certainly deserves to be happy.
I felt good as I tiredly submitted my carefully thought out 6 page document that addressed all the various points in their plan.
Using their gifted line of “plans reflecting the limited possibilities of the existing site” as a basis for ripping their limited possibilities apart. A poorly thought through proposal that is based on a fantasy.
I love a fantasy myself but this existing building doesn’t have foundations deep enough to safely support a build on top along with a whole host of other dangers. A little like the picture of Henry VIII’s 4th wife, the drawing looking nothing like the reality.
As they talk of communal areas that aren’t in fact communal.
Their limited possibilities being so limited that they actually don’t exist at all.
If I’ve learnt anything in life it’s how important versatility is. If you have nothing else sitting behind as a back up then you’re not gonna get far or last very long. Things change and if you can’t find a way of adapting to that then you will just fall down and stay down.
I’m reminded of the amount of times I’ve had to adapt in this life in order to survive it.
I think a lot of mums especially will recognise that. It’s probably why I’m a jack of all trades and master of none.
Change doesn’t really scare me. But being controlled does. I can change but just don’t tell me how to. I don’t want to change the fundamental values that drive me. They come from a really good place. They will never make me rich but I sure do feel proud of them.
And eventually I find a way. Something new within myself that emerges to meet a need as I keep the rest in tact. Making no apologies for being who I am because I know I don’t go around hurting others.
I just like doing my own thing in my own way. I don’t tread on anyone else to do that. Even my swimming lot know now that I look for my space.
I love being around people but I also find a lot of people demanding. I just like to get on with it and I have my little moans on here. Noone has to read them.
Realising that I don’t really fit with the way of the many and no longer wanting to try. You do your thing and I’ll do mine. I don’t want to feel like I have to try to be what I’m not.
I can armour up for need but I just want to be me the rest of the time. Without having o try and be part of the cool set with all their fabulous lives and confidence and go getting ways.
I can’t relate. It all seems fake. I’d rather chat to the old boy at swimming where it feels warm and genuine.
As I wrote my objection I was reminded of those diploma essays that I hated doing…. 2.1, 2.2, 2.3 ,3.1 etc what a waste of time.
I had no motivation for what felt like a pointless process. I thought I had gained nothing from that other than jumping through another hoop.
Now I have to jump through this hoop to protect my home I realised I learnt something very valuable from that previous experience. I know how to write in a way that is required.
Not an emotional rant. But a clear and concise argument that highlights the flaws and the mistakes and the inconsistencies in a plan that falls short of lots of standards.
This building is just a job for them. I know how to do a good job in something that holds no real interest for me. I cal it work. I always wish to feel proud in whatever I do even if I don’t enjoy it. But it’s just a job.
But real passion, real fire comes from caring. From really caring about something where you push beyond your limits to a place you never thought you were capable of. That gives every ounce of who you are because it really matters.
If passion helps wins the game then let’s play.
Fighting for what’s ours in a document that is now doing the rounds as I am suddenly seen in a whole other light. Being told that “no expert/surveyor or lawyer could have done a better job”. And that I’m a very clever lady”.
Can’t lie. It was lovely to be seen as clever. Not just the friendly smiley girl. Just because I don’t have a fancy place and a fancy life doesn’t mean that I don’t have a brain. Getting judged in how I speak has often been a thing in places I’ve worked. Immediately assuming that they are so much more intelligent. I’ve heard an awful lot “educated” people talk out of their arses.
I might not have those bits of paper but I’ve learnt a lot in just living.
And I always loved writing when I was at school. And I’ve always been curious and pick stuff up along the way.
I may not be a genius but I certainly do think for myself.
But this quiet “legally blonde” girl has learnt and grown alot. I’m not intimidated and I won’t be pushed about now. Standing my ground alongside others who don’t want to be pushed about either. There is a lot of passion in our little army.
Perhaps we won’t change the outcome but there is something to be said in just standing up and being counted. So just in that …
Hear this gentle girl Roar !!!!