Sometimes when I post I think .. “Do I appear to others to be some flaky and messy nutcase?”
I kinda felt that last night after sharing that I was alone and scared in trying to deal with something that feels so difficult.
Feeling like I’m letting my girl down by not having the answers, not being able to fix it.
And then wanting to remove my post as I felt embarrassed in being seen as a “rubbish mum”or a “rubbish person”. That I would be judged for not being up to the standard of all the “amazing mums”and the “amazing people”
The same embarrassment my girl feels as she tries to deal with this. As though it makes her lesser. As though she is letting us down, herself down and being selfish.
Only I never see it like that when I look at her and neither does she when she looks at me.
We both see someone who is fighting hard every day in all our gentle sensitivity. There is nothing less about either of us.
I love that she is my daughter and she loves that I’m her mum.
I tell her how very proud I am of who she is every single day and she tells me the same.
What we need to do is give some more of that same very beautiful, understanding, and kind love to ourselves.
So this afternoon I thought “ I’m putting it back out there because I don’t wish to feel embarrassed of who I am or who I’m not.
I want to feel proud of me at any moment in any time. whether that time is easy or hard.
Because I do feel scared and alone sometimes as I try to deal with something that feels so complicated just like she does but we are trying our best.
And I love her more than anything in this world. Just as she is.
Thats where all the courage comes from.
Love is Courage ❤️…
… My gran told me two things when I was younger that have always stayed with me through my whole life
- In order to be happy with others you need to be happy by yourself.
- Your children don’t belong to you. They are on loan to you from God. You can feel so much joy in what they give but your job is to take care of them in order that one day they can fly away freely and live the life that they choose.
As I sat in the forest tonight feeling depleted and like I was in no mans land I spoke to my gran in my head asking her for more courage.
I found this poem that reflected her words and gave something to this tired soul who feels like she is failing in it all.
Feeling scared and alone as I search within for the best parts of who I am in order to be what she needs.
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet, they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
By Kabila Gabran