They say that timing is everything.
Like sitting in my garden as two white butterflies danced around next to me or the two wood pigeons that spent ages walking round on the grass, cooing at each other lovingly as I sat on my swinging hammock.
I could not help but think of M & J as I watched.
There have been a lot of times lately when I have felt their presence.
Even the magpie in the forest that sat right next to me and seemed to know me as we looked at each other for ages.
Despite my movements he didn’t. He just sat on the edge of my picnic mat and looked at me.
I feel like I’m crazy when I say these things but they feel very real in that moment.
Magpies .. One for sorrow they say. A sign of bad luck.
Well it sat right beside me as I felt my sorrow.
I find it so strange at how close the woodland animals come to me.
Perhaps it is the same as children and dogs.
They always come up to me too. What do they sense?
Despite the fact that when I saw an image the other day and looked up the place it told a story of the devil disguised as a woman.
I’m certainly not perfect but I am a kind hearted girl. I’m certainly not the devil unless I’m so completely unaware of who I am.
I’m very aware of my many faults and imperfections. Often messing up as I try. Ive never been afraid of saying sorry.
I’m always grateful for those who aren’t afraid to say sorry too.
But I also know that I’m a very loving person.
Probably too much for my own good.
I love that the tiny ducklings run towards me every day when I sit down but the other day especially they all converged round me like a little fluffy army as they gathered in behind my back and at my feet.
It’s not like I ever have any food with me.
I love that they aren’t scared to come so close and touch me. Feeling then snuggle into my back. It was a very strange feeling in being surrounded by them.
But who can be scared of an army of fluffy ducklings
They knew they were safe with me as their mothers looked on.
I felt the belonging in just being another element of the forest.
Incorporated into that world without having to change myself in anyway. Without needing to be beautiful, or clever, or rich, or successful or whatever else is deemed as more.
Just being me feels enough in that place. Maybe they sense my gentleness and good nature.
Maybe in the forest world it fits perfectly.
Not long after I reposted what I had removed yesterday I was given a letter by P.
The timing of it coming after listening again to the accompanying song of that post.
As I was given the letter I thought of the words
“no man alive this planet can illuminate your path”.
This letter illuminated my path.
The letters had been found as work had continued yesterday in going through the belongings of his parents home.
A job that has been put off. Everything just as it has always been even before J died. Her clothes still hanging in the wardrobes. Finding my girl up there on the day of M’s funeral as she tried to find a garment that still held the scent of someone who made her feel so loved and safe.
A security coming from things but a lack of closure in holding on to them.
A realisation by all now that in order to move forward, practical things have to be done.
But it’s easier said than done.
Like all things. What is experienced is always very different to the idea of what might be experienced.
These practicalities and feelings being a discovery that no one wishes to make but will inevitably happen at some point in our lives.
The Buddhist theory of remaining unattached!
Yep I haven’t quite grasped that.
I did not grow up with that way of thinking and I struggle to really grab hold of it. At this point in life I’m not sure I ever will.
I’m not attached to things but I do get attached to people I love.
It does hurt me when they are no longer there.
I understand the concept but to feel it is something else.
Perhaps I will never be so enlightened but I certainly do know how to feel Love.
But when I love people then I always miss them.
I learn to live without them. But the love never disappears.
I investigate a lot of different versions of the same thing. Attachment, loss, love. Different versions fighting and clashing with each other.
Open to change my way of thinking but changing my feelings is a completely different thing.
I’m supposed to control them. Tell me how you control your heart? By being rational?
I guess it all depends on who you are and what you believe in.
I can’t say I’m fixed to any one thing but I have always believed in love.
Even though it tends to be the feeling that creates the most pain.
I feel more unenlightebed with every word I write.
But If we were not meant to feel or have emotion then surely we would not have been gifted this wonderful ability.
Do we find a theory that allows us not to have to.
So we don’t have to feel any pain.
I can’t imagine a life lived in such complete control.
The four letters had been stored in a box file. All starting with the same words but each one personal to the recipient.
My one handed to me just as I finished work, knowing I only had a day to go before my extended leave of absence.
An extension that I requested that lasts
for just under a month..
Feeling so in need of it.
My plan in being to have as little a plan as possible but to use every day for something good. Simple works for me.
Looking for a deeper sense of well-being that I can feel as opposed to an artificial version where I retrain my brain. It will still conflict with my heart.
I’m made how I’m made.
And I feel free in being that.
Having more time to put all my efforts into helping my girl.
And the relief in having more space to do that.
The letter was beautiful to read. A man who wasn’t a sharer of his feelings in life and admitted that in his letter but when he was no longer here felt able to reveal his inner most pride and joy and sadness.
Thanking me for being a part of his family. For being who I was and looking after others. For being so loving and making others happy in that. For being a lovely mum and how she was a credit to both of us in how beautiful and caring and warm and funny she is.
What joy she had brought to his and J’s lives and how proud he was of her.
And how much he wished he could be there to see the wonderful things that lie ahead for her.
His letter made me feel like a lovely person in this world despite everything. And so hopeful in being able to help my girl to a better place.
She found the letters. I think she was meant to.
It is the most I ever felt like I had a dad who cared about me. Who was proud of me, who loved me and felt the need to write to me in the same way as both of his own children and his grandchild.
I will treasure it forever in knowing that I was loved. Just as I am.
In a moment that I really needed to feel that ❤️ https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=L0H8-TLyQGA