Before and After

As I lie in the early evening sun on my swinging hammock I look up at a clear pale blue sky. Not a cloud in sight. In my ears there are Ibiza club sounds coming from the girl on the top floors flat. Craig David as I write. One for you L ❤️
It’s nice hearing someone else’s music. I struggle to find ones I want to listen to on my play list. Too many reminders of songs that mean something to me as I constantly skip.
Blocking reminders of happy moments or memories is the only way I am able to sustain my fighting spirit for me and my girl to move forward to a better place.
The thing about being very happy and not sweating the small stuff is that when the big stuff happens you feel it with equal force.
Trying to avoid the memories of little things that made me feel happy is must right now. They just make me feel sad.
But it’s hard. Reminders coming in all shapes and forms.
I wish I didn’t care so much In that way others don’t .
It must feel so nice to be like that. I try, but unfortunately I’m just not made that way.
Sensitivity means that things hurt very deeply.
Even when I hide from it, I still feel it and in lots of moments it catches me as I quickly try to distract myself.
But happy distractions are harder to come by right now.
Anyone who has known me for a long time will know that I’m a person who has always really lived and loved life.
Never really wasting it.
Been a part of this and a part of that. Throwing myself into everything and anything whole heartedly with everything I am.
Always happy and fun loving and having so much energy. .
To find myself in the polar opposite place feels really difficult. To feel so tired and sad and not wishing to be around anyone.
It’s like I’m creating an force field around myself that is impenetrable.
When I have nothing to give elsewhere I just don’t go.
I would feel more alone in that and using energy in trying to create what has always been so natural but right now feels a million worlds ago.
But she existed. My friends know who she is. I know who she is.

People that haven’t seen me for a long time would not even recognise this version.

I talk to myself a lot as I try to push through what this is. My own inner battle that is hidden from view but is being felt inside with such force.
I don’t want to feel like this but the tiredness of all those previous and current challenge have crushed me.
I’m pretty resilient but I’m still just a human.
Everyone has their limits .

I can produce a character to be what is required but what I can’t do is produce the real thing that has always found the joy in life.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being so harsh on myself. There has been so much. Am I not allowed a moment to feel completely and hopelessly sad when I have spent the majority of my years feeling positively joyful.

Where I struggle to be madly in love with life.
I have a T-shirt in my drawer that says exactly that thing. The last time I wore it was when I was in Milan on an amazing adventure to see a pianist I love.
I can’t listen to those songs either.

I tell myself to hang in there. I will get through this. We will get through this.
Feel grateful, feel hopeful, feel proud, feel anything that helps us to climb this mountain.

But sometimes like now as I lie here and swing and look at that empty pale blue sky I wonder when that day will come. The day I will be that really happy and fun girl again. When my girl will be well and flying freely and becoming whoever she wishes to be.
Where we will both skip along dreamily and find the joy in everything that surrounds us.
Where we will be in the company of others and have all that energy and love and care and joy to share with them too.

It must feel lovely on a beautiful day like this to be all those wonderful things and be able to share in that with others that feel the same.
I feel happy for you.
Which does feel like me.
And I feel grateful for that feeling.

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