Courage to Change … Part 2

I love music. All music really. It’s one of my most favourite things in life. Why all my posts come with a tune. I like most stuff. Some styles more than others. Always have loved the electro dance vibe, love a film score or some of the classics and have those tunes that come on at a wedding or such like that can see me running from the girls toilets to the dance floor in a matter of seconds saying OMG I love this tune and then dance in my own little world. “Only girl in the world” by RiRi being one of those classics as L&M would know so well. I can get completely lost in all sorts of tunes which often hold some meaning for me whether that be a particular time, place  or person. And to hear that tune will take me straight there. Songs  are a complete thread through every part of my life which s why I found it so difficult to listen to them. 

I’m not a big Queen fan but I do have a couple of their songs that I have always loved for many years. Both of them have lots of meaning for me in different ways. “Who wants to Live  forever” and “The Show must go on”. Trust me to pick the sad ones while everyone else wants to “be the champions”. But I like the music and the words of both.  They feel like they have an internal fight to them in giving up and continued trying in this one life. And I feel Freddie in all his vulnerability in these. There always appeared to be such a gentleness that existed behind the showman. 
Their depiction of life could not be closer to the feelings that I have for a world that can very often feel so superficial but in moments that are personal and special to me, have not. Sometimes  I have struggled to be part of the superficial and sometimes in being part of what is so very real. 

“We don’t have forever.”. which always makes me want to live a life with moments that I will treasure forever because they mean so much to me. That make this life feel like more. 
And yet of course we have to survive in it all too. I know how to survive. As a kid and an adult. My survival showing In constantly forging  my way in the real  world but in a way that is compatible with the values that I hold deep inside of me. I never let go of those. Without them it would all feel meaningless to me. Trying to live a life following my heart is complicated. Sometimes following a heart doesn’t take you to your hearts desires. Sometimes it’s just about living life in a way that feels right to me.I know myself pretty well. I think about this stuff. Having a family was definitely the biggest of my hearts desires. Falling in love and being loved. When I put it like that I’d say I have been so very lucky. I know what feels important to me. I know what and who matters to me. 

One  of my hearts desires was to be the best version of who I am and use it for something good. And I still feel that way Wishing to try to live to my potential and be a more that I will feel proud of. Wanting to  make a difference in the things I do. Not wasting time in what doesn’t interest me or take me somewhere. I think that’s where I now am with work. It has served its purpose to this point in trying to survive on a practical level. But I’ve done my time in this version. I’ve nothing left to give to it. The motivation in that has changed. I can’t do it anymore. I need safety but I can’t just live a completely safe life. So I have to try. To try for my version of more. Otherwise what is my point in still being here. Am I scared. I most certainly am. If there is no fear then I’m not really trying. I can feel myself  starting to try. Trying to find my way back to the things that I wanted. The stuff I worked really hard to build but all got knocked down. 
A good rest  from the bump and grind of life has really helped my in clarifying what I don’t want anymore. Creating the vacuum needed to try to work out what I want to be in this world. 

On days like Friday when the weather was autumnal beautiful and the sun shone through the empty forest I was able to really feel more. I have been holding so much inside. The ability to keep functioning through everything while trying to protect myself has meant that I have needed to keep so much of myself back. Dreamy happy wouldn’t have stood a chance in dealing with so much basic real. She would have been completely  crushed and destroyed. Instead she got crushed but not destroyed behind a really big  heart that went into full protection mode,  as all the tried and tested barriers went up. Sometimes those protective barriers are needed in life. It’s all very well pulling them all down but then what do you do when you feel under attack from the realities of real life and the real world. Sometimes these protective barriers are necessary in order to survive. They have their purpose. And here I am. In all my evolution.  I am feeling my heart reopen again very slowly. I caught a glimpse of my dreamy happy against a  beautiful backdrop  of a magical space. Listening  to different pieces of music that I just couldn’t listen to a few months back. 

I walked with so much emotion rising, in memories of others and of a life lived. A wonderful life lived. It felt lovely to reconnect in that way. Remembering who I have been at different points in my life. Ending up here there and everywhere as the non plan leaves me finding my way to places that I never intended or was looking for. Some of which are just for a moment, a stop gap or a stepping stone to something else. But the special stuff, the special people being much more than that, In always wishing for them to be a part of what cones beyond. It feels a more natural evolution for me in life, that the social media address book clashes with. I think perhaps I need some of those endings in order to have new beginnings. And sometimes I don’t. 

Right now so many feelings relating to my girl as I listened to “slipping through my fingers” by ABBA. A song we share and love and she had  chosen to sing  in her weekly vocal showcase as a mark of what we have. It touched me so much. Her upcoming birthday in my mind and thinking how difficult this past year has been for her. Watching her having to battle with this feels so hard. The saddest thing that has happened in this life. It hasn’t felt fair. To see someone I love more than anything in this world, in so much pain feels so difficult. A person that is  so wonderful and beautiful and caring. But unfortunately life can really hurt us. And it has hurt her. Somehow we have to find the ability within ourselves to overcome what life throws at us. I feel huge sadness in having not been able to completely protect her from the sadness of life. A complete jolt from all the fun and happiness that she was used to. Sometimes the price of Sensitivity and Love is a  share of Pain. She has and is feeling that but we keep pushing through to get to the happy stuff again.

 I read some quotes on what it is to be human. I liked this one.. 
“To be human is a given. But keeping our humanity is a choice”

Life is precious. I have had moments in life when I have wished I could just throw that precious gift away. And then I am reminded in what actually makes it so very precious. How grateful I am for those reminders. 
I feel super sensitive to absolutely everything right now.Life a walking volcano that has quietly and invisibly erupted but is throwing out so much unseen emotion. But none of it the fiery angry stuff that destroys everything in its path. It’s the gentle and loving stuff that makes me want to hug every passer by. Sounds crazy I know. But there is just so much sadness and darkness in this world. I’ve felt moments of both in my own life until every empathic and compassionate cell in my body comes alive to fight against that. Just  wanting to only feel love, the purest variety until the day I die. All the rest of it just feels like a waste of my time and energy. Let it crumble into dust. It’s just meaningless. It serves no purpose. Love is totally where it’s at for me. It’s all I really care about. Fighting for what I believe in.

So I find myself continually going back to basics in just wanting to help. As someone special once said “There are many ways to help”.My own beautiful girl’s experiences and way of being taking her down a similar road of wanting to live a life where she can help others too. 
I am working out my ways as I go along. Sometimes they are more visible than they are in other moments. But the value of them can’t always be quantified. 
I find myself starting small again. With the little things I do everyday as I slowly work my way back towards the version that I chose. This being my  own journey in understanding what help actually means. What it means to me and why I want to. What intentions sit behind that and how that makes a difference to what I give out and to whom. What does altruism really mean? How easy it can be to throw that word around where my selfless part can get very lost in it. I may not know where I am going but change is the direction I am travelling in right now. I feel it. 

So I find myself now biding  my time in my current job up to Christmas. A phased return starting this morning that will see me reengaging a little more beyond my own small world. I think I need a little of that again. Just a little. But backed up with a feeling that it’s only short term while I prepare. Taking my time to earn what I need in order to put in place the practicalities required. And also allow myself more time to explore, heal and get stronger. I’m not in a crazy rush. More knowing what I don’t want than exactly what I do but finally adding myself as a member. It’s taken me ages to get to this point. Just to start to put the basics in place. I’m feeling a little more brave in that which has been helped by P wanting to support me right back. Starting from scratch again feels scary, daunting and a bit lonely. Knowing the people I started with are miles ahead of me as they were carried along by the momentum. I feel like I’m having to hill start with a couple of flat tyres on a sheet of ice. Trying to get that biting point without sliding down the hill and crashing. But what’s the alternative. To just sit in my stationary car waiting to be towed away. No one else is gonna drive it for me and so I have to just start the engine and give it a go.

Just starting the engine feels enough. Something that both me and P are doing. Working  out what we want our own lives to look like and trying to help each other in that. Feels like an important thing to do after all the difficulties and chaos. It’s certainly easier to change directions or take risks when you don’t have so many responsibilities and worries. When you are in your twenties or thirties it feels like you have all the time in the world. Although it’s so easy to waste those years. I feel lucky in feeling like I have wasted very little. The balance of what I want against what others I love need has always been a choice I was happy to make. Survival and living rolling along together. As I remember again,  I am able to see that it has been full of so much. Meaningful and beautiful things that have made me and others so happy. The same special  people always coming to my mind. And that wonderful was all created completely from scratch with lots of hard work, sacrifices, compromise and care. 
Right now my priorities are in  those I love and care about with my girl sitting right up at the top of my “to do list”. Nothing having greater importance. And then somewhere in the mix, me, as I work myself out and take little slow and practical steps in different directions that have the potential to take me somewhere. Who knows where? I realised that I don’t need to know. I’m a  Happy Dawdler  and Dreamer in this world. The five year plan scrapped after five minutes in favour of my tried and tested version. Work it out as I go. It always takes me somewhere and I can take in and feel the beautiful moments along the way. It’s a gift in its own right. But that puppy is still  firmly in my sights. When the timing is right and I have the time to be able to take care of it. It will happen. I have no doubt in that. I even know his name. MiM. 

I’m like a silent volcano river flowing. Watching  my girl go through this has changed me in explicable ways. Life has a way of doing that,  when it throws the unthinkable at you. Something I could never run or hide from. Alongside everything that has come before. Feeling so much growth in who I am and who I can be. Inner confidence in the quiet and often faltering strength I possess. But never completely giving up. Finding myself only caring about what actually matters to me in life. 
Looking out for others. Trying to be a force for something good. Feeling the real and very down to earth version of what that is which comes directly from a very big and dreamy heart. A heart that says I love you and we can make good stuff happen. Come what may. Whatever life holds we can sort stuff out together.I know what that looks and feels like. And if I can get through it then so can you. 

I made a decision as I walked. To be all the best parts of what I have to offer this world in my very small and insignificant way. But maybe that small and insignificant way has the ability to make a difference. I think it does. Without a whole load of “clever clogs” attached. Just by being me. And some bravery in taking some risks for a chapter that can hold so much wonderful. My kind of wonderful. 
So I find myself starting to put my little W pond ducks in a row. Getting finances sorted with help from P. The return care for all those battles that we have fought in. 
I only need a simple existence with the odd nice thing thrown in here and there. I’m a pretty low maintenance girl, but I have been known  to make a whole lot from nothing. Not caring about being rich in the money sense. Can’t really give me anything that I can’t find or create on a budget. I have a proven track record of that too. 
But who knows.. Maybe I might end up writing a best selling book that becomes a box office smash. But if that happened then I’d just end up sharing it anyways. I don’t want to live up in some ivory tower surrounded by all those others in theirs. Where’s the fun and happiness and love in that. I’d rather share it with people I love And care about and people who need it. 

So still going slow, as I dawdle and daydream but feeling a little more purpose and reason…. Bringing my girl along with me as I go, as she continues to try to find her way to a better place. We have a long way to go yet and feeling the ups and downs in that. But I completely believe in her and I’m so in it with her. 
And within that I’m also finding a little more about myself. But underneath still always the quiet and sensitive girl who knows how to be happy and have fun. Who feels the all of the magic in the air. Who loves with her whole heart and when she is in it she completely in it. No half measures. Her whole heart being thrown at this thing called life. I don’t care about having power over others. It’s always been about feeling empowered and wishing to help others to feel the same. But in our own ways. Not the ways dictated by others. And as I distance myself from anything that looks to control me, I feel  more  of my own inner power to march to  the beat of my own drum. My beat has always come from very deeply within. 

So despite any real  clarity or concrete plan in place and at my own pace and rhythm, I begin to spin and skipmarch like a quiet little magical snail. But that beat is very much sounding and feeling to me, like the Courage to Change. 
And in that courage maybe I can feel my Dreamy M  Woman


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