Devolution

I was thinking as I was walking in the forest yesterday that Im not sure that I’ve actually evolved at all.

 I guess evolution tends to happen when life requires it. And I think for me during that whole chapter I evolved, as the reality of life demanded it. I had no choice but to really “grow up.” Which sounds hilarious considering how old I am and that I’m a mum. But the truth is that as a kid I had to grow up fast in order to survive it. The moment that I felt safe and I didn’t need to be, I was very happy to just be a kid again. And realising I’ve never really grown up again since. Never wanted to. Didn’t really need to. I was very happy being the eternal child. I mean I’ve always been able to look after myself and others but in the main the dreamy girl has always been enough. 

What has been clear for me is that I can’t run away from responsibilities and promises and duty. When faced with the big stuff I went from dreamy girl to Warrior and I evolved in that process. I had to be the proper grown up version of me. Just in that moment of time. Including the the grown  up mum as opposed to the friend. The grown up mum that showed herself in moments she had to when my girl was growing up. But were rarely needed. Always there to catch her if she fell but always trusting in her ability to be able to fly. And she always did. Really happily. But in her big fall she has needed the full, solid, heavyweight mum that has it all covered. The one who has all the answers and is completely in charge of what’s happening. In fact I don’t have any of the answers, only sharing in the stuff that I’ve learnt along the way. But it gives the impression of having the answers, which when you break it right down in terms of what she really needed, it was just a whole lot of big love and care that provided the feeling of being completely safe. 

To feel safe. The most hidden and underestimated commodity in life. Ask anyone who hasn’t felt that. 
In this moment she has needed to feel rock solid safe. She knows I would give my life for hers. In that way I can be completely fearless and strong. The grown up protector of what is the most precious gem to me. The benefits of that protection are beginning to show as I see her confidence very slowly build again. Little by little. The back and forth in helping her to work things out, as she gradually relearns to trust and believe in herself. It’s constant connection at a distance. I must look like I’m addicted to what’s app in our little chats and constant reminders of my belief in her. Less looking after her more reminding her of her own ability to take care of herself and make her own choices. Sometimes in life you have to go back to those basics. The stuff that cancels out all the other crap. And I really feel like we are moving forward. Very slowly but really surely. Showing her what the grown up version looks like but without having to lose all the good stuff. 

Because when that need for the grown up is not there and it’s just me left to my own devices, well I revert very happily back to being the kid. More like devolution. Loving and feeling all the same things in the same way as when I was younger. Not needing to be a grown up. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s just necessary sometimes. I can totally do it. But when I don’t have to worry, I just like being the carefree girl. That’s just how I am and I like being that way.

I don’t think I will ever relate to the “strong and powerful women” that WANT to be in charge. In charge of what? Please don’t put me in charge of anything unless it’s absolutely and completely necessary. I could not have any less interest in being in charge of anything. Other than my own life. But I like to help. 
I imagine the “strong and powerful people” are the best matches for all the kids like me. Yes please to someone else being in charge of all the grown up stuff. Knock yourselves out I’d say. And yet they would probably end up being in charge of me and trying to make me grow up too. Bringing me into line. I think I’d rather deal with the grown up stuff myself.  
Or the grown ups who both want to be in charge and need someone to spar with in the battle for supremacy. That version just sounds so tiring but I guess different strokes  for different folks. 
Whereas just taking  care of me on a daily basis feels so easy now. Knowing that the only good things about being a grown up (other than being a mum which I love) is booze and sex. The rest just feels like a big old headache. Peaceful dreamy world for me. I know to many a modern woman that would sound like so much less. Being strong and powerful being a mantra  that I constantly hear now. But to be honest, I don’t really give a crap. 
Feeling like I’ve done more than my share of warrior woman as I sat there like a happy little kid on my settee last night eating my fish n chip dinner watching Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark. My girl always laughs at me when I’m watching films. She says my eyes are so  big and glued to the screen with my mouth open when something exciting happens. “How old are you?!” she says laughing. Yeah about 9 years old. Beautiful! 

I don’t think I was ever really made for this grown up world of cut throat career and ambition, big decisions, home furnishings, and illness and death. I’ve shown I can do it when necessity requires it and totally have the ability to overcome challenges, survive and keep going and trying. And always being whatever is needed and wanted as a mum. It’s just a given. That’s unconditional. 
But really, I’m just a kid at heart.  I’m just happy riding my bike and listening to music and dancing in my kitchen and giggling with my friends. I feel happy just in that. And I’m starting to feel that again as I find the time and space to just be me. With some extra sparkle thrown in with the different things planned with my special few, for fun and sharing. People that have been with me through all the tough stuff and are still there having waited patiently for me to get to a better place. It’s been a while but I’m definitely getting there. 


It’s so easy to feel like the dreamy happy me when I feel safe. Without a million responsibilities and worries weighing down on me. When I have a safe home and all the people I care about are ok. When I have some freedom to make choices. Stuff that is easily taken for granted but is feeling like a massive gift for me. 
I’m sure all that grown up stuff must be easy for the “powerful and strong women” who thrive on being in charge. But for me it’s like turning a Goldfish into a Great Dane. I just like to swim about in a life that feels simple and easy and fun. And why I often feel like I’m just not made for this world. I mean I couldn’t be a grown up permanently. It’s bloody exhausting!!!! Saving my warrior woman for when she is actually needed. The rest of the time dreamy girl has it covered. 
And thankfully I have my little flat with its  twinkling fairy lights where I can exist again in my very own childlike way. 

And gotta tell ya.. that’s  feeling so nice 
Here’s to devolution!!! 

😊
❤️

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