The Floodgates

I am filled with so much emotion today. Feeling very tearful. Perhaps it’s in knowing my girl is coming back tonight for a week at home. A feeling of relief I think in her making it through this first part without any big incident. Holding and hiding the worry in knowing where she was only a few months back. That fear I had in seeing her at her most emaciated and psychologically troubled sits inside me now as I look for any signs of her going backwards. The very real fear at the point of her lowest weight which plummeted so fast as the illness took a grip. Finding herself on the critical list and having a mental battle that feels like forever ago but was only a few months. To see her so psychologically distressed left me on my knees and not knowing what to do or how to help. It has changed me forever. 

I think because it’s her birthday tomorrow it’s a reminder of all the special times that we have shared in this life. Again it makes me feel emotional as I wait for p to bring her home. She has created the most happiness for me in this life in just being who she is. She has to be nothing more than her. 
She doesn’t want  a big celebration preferring to just keep it low key and simple with just me and her dad and a trip to the cinema. I totally get it. Her life feels something worth celebrating but for her just being a family feels enough right now. It makes her happy. 

I thought about my own birthday which I would prefer to pass without a single thought. I don’t much feel like celebrating me. I struggle to feel really good about myself now. A lesser version of the person I thought I once was. But perhaps in time I will feel more proud of the things I’ve got right than thinking of all the things I’ve got wrong. I certainly know that I always have tried my best. I’m a tryer if nothing else.  I find myself remembering  a beautiful pre birthday version last year in lockdown and also  the year before. I felt so lucky in them. 

I try to give the appearance that all is well and good but in reality I am very lost. Trying to find any motivation and care for anything beyond simple and safe happy feels hard. I don’t even go swimming which I love. All my thoughts and choices are rooted in wishing to keep my girl safe. I’m trying so hard to do and be all the things that make that possible. Not much caring about my life anymore other than making sure it impacts on hers In the  most positive ways. Looking after me so that I can be the best version for her. I’m sure there are people that would tell me that’s the wrong way to live a life but look  how well it went when I tried to think of me. Carnage and chaos. I’m lucky. I’ve had a very wonderful life in so many ways. But her life is more important to me than mine. I just feel like I want to look out for her as I  quietly get on with life.  

Now I feel that safety and security I know I’m just hiding  in my own world.  I struggle to trust anymore. I want to but my confidence in people was seriously dented. I can’t do that polite pretence version. Good vibes and kindness is where I’m at. Just wanting to be around people that I know really care about me as much as I do about them. I don’t want to put myself around anyone who will judge me now. I just don’t need it.  
But the safety of where I am is allowing me to take down the barriers and remove a lot of my armour. Not needing to worry so much. I can feel  P’s gratitude and care in seeing how much all of these challenges and difficulties have hurt me. I know he feels sorry for that. He also knows the version of me that came before all of this. I know he wants to help me get back to her. And I don’t feel a pressure with him in that. I just know he feels sad in seeing me so tired and worn out with life  and wants to help me get back to the version that real lived and loved life. 

I’m trying. I feel like I’m slowly getting to a better place. Making plans with those in my close circle. It’s a good start. I feel like I’ve been such a rubbish friend amongst all the chaos. And I really wish to be a good friend to those people who have been there for me. The best friend I can be. 
So much has hurt me and although I am accepting of what those things are it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped feeling the effects. As I take the barriers down I am really feeling them and it makes me really sad. 
Sometimes I feel the waves of gladness in getting to a place that feels safe and where I am able to rest. But alongside it I am also feeling all the waves of of tiredness and sorrow that catch me in all sorts of moments as I feel my eyes welling up when I’m in a shop or driving my car or walking in the forest. That same  sensitivity is what always made me so warm and loving and caring and happy but I am also feeling the reverse of what that is. But trying  to feel more of the relief and peace and smiles amongst those floodgates opening. The kid who exists happily within these four walls. Trying to get her back out a little more beyond. 

It can all feel a bit overwhelming with so many thoughts. My brain not completely engaged as I stopped at a red light while all the people could cross. Getting caught in my thoughts as I sat there and when they had reached the other side, starting to drive again before the lights changed to green. it’s hard to function while I’m  feeling so much. 
If I’m honest it makes me in  moments want to draw back again even further and put all the barriers back up. But I know I have to feel it all so that I can move past it to try to get to that better place. I can’t push it all down in the way others do as they put out a perfect version. I have to keep it real. 

How I would love in moments like this to be the kind of person who doesn’t feel like this or have to cover it up. The people who without a care can just move straight on to the next better place. Fresh and new versions. It must be lovely to be like that. I’m a simple girl who comes with so much complication and feeling. Whereas others are just made of smiles and light. Although I remember being exactly that smiles and light version. But life can be so harsh and just squash it. I like to think that I still have lots of smiles and light in me. They’re trying to get out again. 

I know for me any loss really hurts. Because of course I always love and care too much. When I read about what the “right” way to be is, I never fit into any of the right  categories. Overly emotional, sentimental, irrational, and so the list goes on. I can’t be the only one made this way. “Can I?” Are we all our there somewhere thinking “what’s wrong with me then? Why do I care so much?”

I had a very dark dream  last night about a serial killer. A dream that felt like it lasted through what felt like my entire sleep as I felt the figure I couldn’t see choosing a victim that was close to me. As I looked to escape out of the window or hide in the forest I could feel him but I couldn’t see him. A feeling that he knew where I was but was choosing  people that were close to me as a way of telling me that he could get me anytime that he wanted. Keeping me in a state of absolute fear and distrust in all those around me as I didn’t know who he was . I was awoken by a sound and had that moment when you are half awake and half asleep and your mind plays tricks, as I imagined a shadow of a  figure walking towards my bedroom doorway. I took a deep breathe and it vanished. What did it mean? I would think that there was so much wrapped up in it. Thoughts from the past? People who have hurt me. My fear of death? I think that’s my least fear now other than leaving my girl in the world without me. Or is my  minds way of processing all the loss I have felt close to me. All the fear I have in losing people who matter to me. Fear Of being left alone in this world. Feeling  like I walked into a stage of life  where it seems to have happened in all versions of what loss looks like. Impacting on my life in every possible way. And leaving me feeling an emptiness in missing all those people and things that had made my life and world so wonderful. Seeing it all disappearing. Leaving big holes everywhere. And as result leaving me in a world that in lots of moments feels  like it holds very little that I have very much care for. Just the people who are really special and who really matter to me. Mattering more than they could possibly know. 
The world and its people just moves along. It feels like a soulless version. Or is that just how I am moving along in the world. Feeling soulless? Losing my ability to connect to anything beyond nature and those few people that I really love. 

Even on a gorgeous day like today it just seems filled with people rushing about and caught up in the importance of nothing. Just killing time. Or is that just what I’m doing? As everyone else is “living”. 
Sometimes it’s good to just throw the dark out there in order to make room for a lighter and more dreamy happy girl. Knowing that all the sadness and difficulties have created a lot of dark feelings that have to go somewhere. All four years of them. Holding me back with their tight grip on all the beautiful parts of me that used to exist in their entirety. That were hopeful and bright and positive and like sunshine. This stuff feeling like a dark cloud that feels really hard to shift. Maybe because it also holds some things and people that I find it hard to let go of. My moments of feeling like a kid who feels safe being clouded by the memories of all the things that can’t be unseen or unfelt and are no longer there. 
On that pendulum that swings back and forth as I continue to slowly process it all and try to become who I wish to be. Evolution to devolution to evolution to devolution. Unable to just paper over things in order to just function and keep moving. Life and it’s meaning for me was squashed. 
It took me twenty years to get to a place where I learnt how to really open my heart and trust. And I felt that for over twenty years beyond. A life and friends to prove that. And just like that it was wiped out in a chapter. 
I guess it’s all grief in its different versions. And as I try to deal with my own version of that I continue to feel that need to live in a safe and quiet world. 

Maybe eventually I will get back to that same excitable, joyful and completely open hearted girl again. But my fear is that she no longer exists. That life wiped her out. 

As I finished writing I received a very long message from my own mum. The most beautiful message of all the things she loves about me. The things that have made me feel stupid. It made me cry in knowing that all those things in all their sentimentality and loving nature, are the things that she most loves about me.  I’m a human. Sometimes I need to feel that too.

❤️

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