Sometimes I wonder what the point of me is.
Today I set about trying to sort stuff out and clean and clear the flat, in order to make it lovely for when my girl gets back. Making everything really nice for her so that it feels warm and cosy and homely. Waiting till she gets back next week to put up the Christmas decorations so that she can share something that she loves to do. My mind always ticking in trying to think what is nice for others and might make them happy or feel cared about or just smile for a moment. It makes me happy in seeing others happy and ok and well.
But as I was cleaning I suddenly and randomly burst into tears. I think perhaps the overwhelming feelings that are sitting silently underneath and have nowhere to go, after receiving that card and letter, came out without anyone there to see it. It feels a little overwhelming if I’m honest, on top of everything else that I’m trying to find my way back from. I can feel it draining me in its timing. So much emotion attached to this that I have previously been able to squash down. I don’t have time or energy to really feel it.
So I took myself outside with a cup of tea and a cigarette and this tune came on. A tune I used in a presentation that I put together a long time ago now, that contained my whole heart. A song that said what I thought I could bring to that job as well as what I brought to life in general. And thinking as I was listening that I can’t even lift myself up. Feeling the reality of where and how I find myself at this point and finding it so difficult to see a way forward for me. I just feel so exhausted from everything life has thrown at me. Too much! Finding myself feeling the need to be the daughter that holds her arms out because of a late birthday card and a letter of apology. I want to. I really do. Life is too short and we may not have very long for me to find something better in that, for me to hold on to in time to come. But all those years of hurt and heartbreak in all sorts of ways are beginning to swirl around inside me and and thinking of him and others who have hurt me since, wandering on happily without a care in the world. While I have been left behind feeling the impact. And today struggling to think of a way to finding my way to something more than cleaning. It’s just having a moment of self pity. Of tired feeling in “what’s the point of me”. I’m my own worst enemy in always being more of a giver than a taker. But I really like giving to others. It’s a part of who I am and making others happy also makes me feel happy. But then left feeling very alone today in so much mess.
Should I not give? Should i not care? I don’t want to be the kind of person who doesn’t. And it feels a bit late now. I’ve been doing that my whole life. Even though tonight I’m feeling a little less substance and a little more down trodden. My forgiving nature and my tryer colliding hard, as I wonder what lies ahead for me now and how I get to anything when I feel so worn out by life. Whatever that thing is that always just kept me going and pushing on, is struggling to do that. “What’s the point?” A question I’ve heard others ask me and I’ve been there to try to help them find that point, as they say “thanks very much” and leave feeling a bit better.
I think it is just tiredness and wondering how I managed to work so damn hard through a whole life and end up getting nowhere. What a loser.
I just can’t quite work out how to turn it all around and get myself to somewhere better as well. Telling myself to take little steps. One step at a time till I can get to another point when I might be able to do something for me again.
The realities of life have taken their toll in every way possible. Nothing about anything is a version that I would choose beyond creating safety and security. But knowing that is so very important. I guess the flat will feel safe and sound for my girl when she gets back and that feels good.
Feeling like I need to protect myself in not caring about what sits beyond so that I don’t feel any more disappointment from what I don’t have the necessary “whatever that thing was” to get me to a version where I too can be really happy also. How often I wish I were made a different way. Where things don’t hurt me so much. But I’m not and they do.
I can imagine so many people laughing tonight without a care in the world. Maybe I will get to that again. I hope I will get to that again.
Because I’m just a person too. I’m just a person!
Really feeling a need to be seen as that tonight.