Words and Images

I saw an image today of a toxic plant where every part of it can kill any human or pet. A horrible and poisonous plant that is hard to dispose of. When I read about it I found myself wondering if that might be how I am seen. Whether confused and mixed up feelings that come from both really caring and wanting to show that, against thoughts and feelings that come from darker places of fear and pain and hurt, translate into being poisonous. My inner struggles in wishing to feel the best parts of who I am and acting on them, are often helped from me being able to express the bad. Wanting to be the version that fixes something that is broken but sometimes struggling to know how to do that or even feel it. I was thinking how I don’t have a place to share all of that. My blog being my outlet as opposed to it just spinning round and round in my head with nowhere to go. No money to pay for that non judgemental space where I can show the bad and the ugly and be accepted and understood in all those not so nice but very real feelings for me. Perhaps I was able to give that acceptance and understanding to others if it didn’t impact on me personally as I listened. When I am in my own “day to day, up close and personal, impacting on my life relationships”, then am I always completely  compassionate and empathic and non judgemental and with unconditional positive regard. I have always tried. Always! and my wish to not want to hurt others definitely always makes me reflect on all my thoughts and my actions. I’ve certainly sat in a room full of people where I imagine they also provide all those qualities by the bucket load with clients, but in lots of moments in the room I sat in with them, weren’t present at all. 
Feels so much easier in that professional  version. I could be the devil himself and if I pay 50 quid then all those dark and evil thoughts would be ok. Less toxic and more misunderstood or understandable from living in such a dark place. 
When I compare my blog to my day to day life the two things look very different. My blog often being a place to be able to express different  thoughts or feelings. An expression that helps me as I try to find my way to the person that I truely am and wish to be. To allow those inner struggles to have some space and visibility where  I can see them in all their messiness. Where I can see them! Like a trail of breadcrumbs that I am able to check back on as I journey forwards. Less a place for hurting others and more a place  for me being able to see things a little more clearly. 
Call it my own therapy room where I am both therapist and client. Its why it is anonymous, I don’t name people and only a couple of people I know have access to it. I guess those that read it, which I imagine are very few, can make their judgements or not. It’s a safe enough space  in all its anonymity but not quite the version that is held in a room of confidentiality where a relationship is built with a contract in how that will work. 
In real life I’ve never had such a contract in any long term relationship. Well I guess my marriage contract but those words have a lot of scope for interpretation. “For better or for worse”. The water feels a little more murky in the real world of relationships where there is a bigger risk involved for both in what isn’t a safe and controlled environment. 
The sago palm leaf that I saw looked so beautiful and inspired me to investigate further. And then on reading about it’s completely toxic nature and it’s horrible descriptions by others, left me feeling like “I wouldn’t want one of those!” And then thinking, I’m glad that I don’t have a picture of me on my blog. 
I am a sum of many parts. Most of them I think are made of really good stuff. Some lovely things actually.  I’m neither an angel or the devil. I’m just a person. What I’ve really learnt is that when times are easy it feels so much easier to be an angel and when times are really difficult, I could very easily become the devil. But the fact that I try to explore both the light and the dark in both myself and in how I experience and respond to others is my way of trying to get to all the very best parts of me. And also remove any toxic or poisonous feelings that are held within me that could so easily spread. 
I may be many things both light and dark but I’m pretty confident that I’m not toxic Not perfect but not poisonous. I guess we all have that capacity depending on our experiences. Its impossible to go through so much difficulty and sadness without feeling hurt, and that hurt creating feelings that would previously have never existed. It helps me to show that hurt. But feeling like anyone who knows me well and over a long period of time in my real life would absolutely know that I’m way more good than bad. I guess my blog containing the very worst parts of me enables me to exist in my real life, day to day, in trying to be the very best parts of who I am. The best parts that on pretty much most days I put out in the real world. But in those moments that I struggle I tend to hide away.

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