Love Dad x

I love early morning as I sit quietly alone and watch the candle flicker. It has a life of its own as it grows and shrinks and changes shape, and moves in different directions, and sways and dances, and every now and then just for a moment rises up like a perfect and elegant flame and just flickers with a quiet and calm and beautiful strength with very little movement. The wonder in just watching a small beautifully sunshine coloured flame. It’s one of my favourite moments of the day at the moment. Feels so very peaceful surrounded by all the many fairy lights that exist all year but come to life surrounded by lots of green and red berries and a Christmas Tree filled with a lifetime of decorations that have been collected and given through the years. The ultimate tree for a child filled with fairies and pixies, one with big wings sitting on a swing, and candy canes and Santa’s and snowmen, and reindeers, ballerinas, and a red dress, and random Disney, and a Glittery Big Apple and LOVE that was given to me a few years back by my friend K and a big golden star that sits on the top. I love love love stars. Mainly all red gold and silver with some random extras of things that my girl has made through the years, and brought to life with lots of soft white fairy lights. Very simple in all its busy and random. A toy shop Christmas tree that looks completely magical in all its lovingly decorated fake green tinsel branches. A tree that I’ve taken care of as I wrap it warmly after each Christmas as it sleeps again for another year. A job that my girl took care of for a couple of years. A tree that is 25 years old but has a dreamy feel all of its own and feels impossible to replace in all my sentimentality.  I’ve loved a Christmas tree ever since I was a little kid. My love of real trees perhaps being a part of that but never wanting to uproot a real one to decorate my home. But to walk through a place of strongly rooted and untouched snow covered Christmas trees somewhere beautiful feels like a place that I know would make me happy. 
I love Christmas Eve. It’s my favourite day of the year in all its anticipation of Father Christmas coming. The child in me never losing that feeling within. 
This year’s Christmas coming with lots of sadness and surrounded by others strong feelings of loss. A subdued version that also has a peacefulness to it without so many battles, but holding my girl in the difficulties that she is feeling. Covid taking away so many of those things that she had planned and had kept her going. Trying to help her to accept that things don’t always go to plan and our need to find the simple happiness in what can be shared and enjoyed. Only feeling the impact of Covid in others struggles and just wanting them to be ok. Spending Christmas Day with my mum and brother which will provide me with a warmth and love that will help me to be all the things that I need to be as we find our way through the trials that Christmas can bring. Christmas food in itself coming with its only difficulties. She might not be able to hold the label but she feels all the effects. What a horrible thing. Makes me sad thinking of all those beautiful young people who have been affected by this pandemic. “Hang in there” I think. “Don’t give up”. 
The early mornings with my candle always provide me with what I need to bring warmth and love to a version that can feel so difficult in moments. For all my blog rambles of inner turmoil, out in the real world I know I am bringing calmness, patience, understanding and care for two people who are struggling and often use me as a place to put their frustrations. I’ve learnt to protect myself in that in removing myself at different times but it often feels very lonely. But I’ve got used to that feeling again and feel more at peace in that. But holding on tightly to my newly found again positivity in life as I keep moving forward quietly, to get to a place where I can find some more of my own happiness again. Continued little steps in finding that in different places, with different people in different moments. Always with my girl being my priority. She shares her worries with me in being scared she will go backwards with all that fear inducing catastrophising  media talk of restrictions, lockdowns and a “growing storm of covid”. The off switch I find very helpful as I rely on friends to keep me updated in what I have to do. Reassuring my girl that she won’t be alone in that. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that she feels secure, safe, loved. And feeling a growing strength in myself in being able to be what is required in that. I just won’t let her go back to that place. 
And somehow in amongst this build up to Christmas I’ve been given a dad. I find myself smiling in all its ridiculous but true. My phone pinging with messages from him that share the results of his hospital appointments and looking for that warmth and love that he knows I possess. And all signed off with Love Dad x. I will be flying over there sometime in the new year when it’s possible. It all feels strange, but as my heart has completely thawed from all the various trauma of the past few years I find myself completely philosophical about life in all its randomness. In my lack of real control over anything. I can fight with it or I can just flow with it. I choose the latter. It will take me where it takes me, with a hope that I might feel a little love too in amongst it all. That my warmth and kindness and care and love will also be rewarded with versions that see and appreciate it. But as I sit quietly by myself before my peaceful existence is broken, I’m trying to appreciate myself for all my simple and random and childlike magic that sits invisibly behind a very caring woman who always tries


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