I have found myself reading my own posts tonight as if trying to inspire myself, remind myself of exactly who I am. As if searching for something that will show me where I’m supposed to go or where I belong.
As I read my thoughts of being on fire, magic in the world, quiet superhero, happy confidence dreamy rain, I thought ..Where has that girl been over the last couple of days?
Numb, angry and sad engulfed me and I don’t like feeling that way.
I had felt so happy, so light and suddenly my world had felt very heavy and draining.
Something rocked me to the very core of who I am as a human. At the most basic and stripped back level. And made me think..
Who do I want to be? What does a life mean to me? What part do I want to play in this world?
And I won’t lie, the easy happy fun route was looking very appealing from where I was sitting.
I have a version of me that fits that like a perfect rainbow coloured glove. I know exactly how to live that way and it is beautiful and of course is filled with people who want to live in it with me. Because it has lots of smiles and laughs and light.
I want that so much and I could so easily have it all the time If I just gave up on the things that make it darker and much harder. Because my heart feels like it magnifies everything by a million. Where others can remove themselves slightly I seem to let myself take the full force as I wander in heart wide open.
And yet, despite how much it hurts me it’s not enough for me to just take that easy life. I often think.. Am I right for this? Maybe not if I think about it from a self perspective. Fluffy was never really gonna cut it when it comes to darkness. But when I turn it round, then I think, Yes I am. Because I care more than anyone would ever realise. It’s inbuilt, instinctive and natural. There is nothing pretend about it. It really is love in its purest form. And I’m glad I’m made that way. Even if at times it feels difficult.
And what I finally realised while I was cleaning my bathroom tonight was this most wonderful, special, magical moonbeam that rocked my world has made me see that isolation and sadness may come as part of the package for trying to be something more than I ever thought possible.
Perhaps success and riches will show themselves to me in a way that has more value beyond what anyone else will ever see or care about. Perhaps my dream is to live in what is not and try as hard as I possibly can to create a dream within that.
Right at this second that is feeling a little impossible for me but perhaps nothing is impossible if you really believe. And I so want to believe. I just need a little help from people who love me, to find the extra strength to make it possible.
Because as a friend said to me “ I know I can do this”
Love is the only thing of any real value.
I just sat and watched a Disney movie right after receiving a warm and loving cuddle from my girl before I came home.
I watched it because I needed something magical and fantastical in a way that childhood should be.
Where dreams beyond your imagination can come true.
Fantasies of princesses, wizards, mystical creatures and lands at the end of rainbows.
The sadness that sits out there in beautiful young hearts could drown a person and every tear I am crying is made from love and they are all for you tonight.
How I wish I had that magic wand and you could tell me everything that you wish for.
I felt irritated this morning. Why? Because of something that was said. And it was said as though it was on my behalf, as though I belonged in their club. I’m not part of anyone’s club.
And certainly not theirs.
I was already in a place of that thought from someone who had planted a seed a few days ago that left me wondering what are the clubs that people wish to belong to.
I am honest and straightforward. I am a girl who cares about people. I see their hearts first and on the whole I think most people have good ones. Of course we all have a past and get things wrong. But that doesn’t dictate who we are or where we can go. Perhaps I felt that less while I was sifting my way through my suitcase, trying to understand the impact of all its contents on where I am now. I’m planning to avoid making similar mistakes in the future if I can. Tough, but it was all learning for me as everything is.
But now I feel more of a blank page that I can paint any way I want to and anyone who tells me that I can’t or tries to put me into a particular box will get short change from me.
Don’t label me.
Because ultimately I am just a person who loves. I know how to be that person above all else.. and I like it. It is quietly powerful and makes me a strong person in a different way.
It doesn’t mean that I don’t have thoughts or opinions or that I am vacantly unaware. Like some giggly blonde bimbo. That one has been labelled on me in years gone by. I have never been that and appearances can be very deceptive.
Happy yes, dumb I am not.
I choose not to let initial thoughts influence those very human judgements of a person until I can really see them.
We are all different. I love that we are. I would be bored as hell if we weren’t.
There is also a big part of me that wants to protect myself. I don’t want to get hurt.
My naivety shows itself often in my willingness to believe in what sits in front of me.
But I know that I have a good heart and everything comes from a good place.
More and more I want to understand the world around me. This world feels big enough for everyone and yet there is forever the winners and losers. Which side do you take and then which sub team in those sides.
I think I choose to be on my own. Listening out for the stories and opinions from the various clubs that people align themselves to so I can try to work out how everyone might sit together. I know there are clubs that don’t accept me and ones that might want me
But I think I will just sit on my own and talk to the passers by.
On Saturday I found a magical new confidence through dancing and a red balloon.
I said I stole it but I did in fact ask my friend P whose birthday it was if I could take it. He hit me on the head with it as I left.
He is the handsome boy that all the girls are in love with… except me.. even my girl saw the photos and was like “he’s so good looking”. Yes.. he totally is.. the handsome guitar playing rockstar who is easy to chat to, fun and kind. What’s not to like. I absolutely get what they all swoon over .. but I just don’t. Never have. Just doesn’t do it for me. So what is IT?
Well “IT” is a feeling that you can’t explain. It’s something more. Beyond what is right in front of you and everyone can see, beyond what just makes someone a lovely person that you like being around and beyond them being easy on the eye.
Something more, that feels very primal.
It’s not the opposite. Like a one night stand. Animal attraction. Just want to fuck em and move on.
But I mean yeah, you totally want to fuck em, but all day, until it rolls into the next and beyond, with no care for what life looks like beyond that place and time. That listening to them talk is an aphrodisiac. There is electricity surrounding you which takes your mind all the way there without a single touch.
Chemistry as a scientist might call it, and with the best will in the world you can experiment but you cannot create it.
It’s either there or it ain’t.
My new found confidence is in knowing exactly what this feels like for me and only wanting it that way.
And while I wait I have a red balloon 🎈
Saturday!!!! I love em! It’s a day to feel like a teenager. More than I do on a normal day.
It’s a day when I know once my work is done it belongs to me. Whatever I choose to do on that evening I know I don’t have to get up early the next day so I can let my Goldylocks down, chill out and enjoy. And that is a feeling I sooo love and loves me right back.
And tonight that comes in the form of a much needed party, dance floor and my sacred home to just get lost in free. Like taking a trip into outer space.
A thing I was reminded of so clearly late last night when I heard from a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while. F’y.
This boy was a little hero about 4 years ago when me, L and M had the worse boss in history. In fact not just the worse boss, the worst two bosses.
The type that take the magic and sparkle out of your days which before that had been very golden and overflowing with fun.
The description one boss gave of the other was “she is an iron fist in a velvet glove” and they were allies!
Doesn’t really sing out warmth and lovely. Loyalty or values weren’t really a part of their armoury and it showed at a later date when one pushed the other off the cliff.
Choose your friends wisely … and I always do.
Anyways in the period when myself, L and M felt their full force, F’y stepped in and gave me an out. And a fun and happy one at that. He was like, “come work with me. We”ll have a laugh” and we certainly did, every single day. He always said to me it’s not really a proper job but will tide you over while you”re at college. And it did, until I found something new and wonderful that also fitted with the new plan.
I loved the way that F’y helped me and L swerve their game of divide and conquer by making us compete for the same job. We were having none of it and neither was F’y. They didn’t love him for it but he didn’t give a shit. What a guy.
Anyways he messaged me as he had met someone a couple of days ago that I had worked with since then and they had asked him if he knew me.
His response had been “oh the girl that is so much fun, likes a drink and a holiday”. Love that description. He then went on to tell her about my last day there.
Omg F’y way to ruin my new professional reputation in five minutes.
That last day was my most epic of last days ever in a job.
It was just before Christmas. Just prior to that me and L had organised the bestest party ever seen in the dizzy heights of our conference centre. Having attended many a dodgy Christmas do through about 4 years( yes L you know I’m thinking of Elvis night with a trip to Red Mamba followed by Chanel/Channel M walking down the middle of the road splitting all the fighters like a three wheeled yellow Reliant Regal outside Nelson Mandela house) We started to organise a variety of Christmas do’s externally with ever more interest from around the building. Till finally we went all out and organised an in house 007 party complete with casino table, chocolate fountain, Red London Phone Box photo booth which unfortunately didn’t work but looked nice and all decorated by our fair hands with the help of the maintenance team. All done on a budget of about 100 quid. Pop up bar next to the dance floor so as not to lose everyone to the bar outside. Everyone came dressed to kill and the dance floor was solid all night with people drifting off every now and then to play roulette or visit the bar. Proper kickin night and made me feel prouder than a single thing I’d ever done in my day job.
Me and L talked about going into business which lasted for five minutes when we realised we only like organising stuff that we get to enjoy. And enjoy we did 😊
A few days after was my last day which was also the day of the Christmas lunch. And F’y was all over it. The day kicked off with Prosecco and pastries from the moment I strolled in at my normal 15 minutes late 9.15, despite the fact that I only lived five minutes away.. a fact that F’y always laughed about but didn’t care. He knew I was a good girl.
Everyone came up to our floor to say goodbye and hear my amazing and inspirational leaving speech which basically was “OMG I’ve had such a laugh here. It’s been wicked!” My CEO who also came along must have felt so proud. Weirdly crazy bosses were both off that day. By the time I was at the Christmas lunch I think I was already half cut. If you’re gonna go out, go out like a firework my friend BH had texted me. Part of the C7 crew that had already started to disperse and had been the ultimate time in the buildings social history. RJ, what a legend. I remember walking back to my desk with two bottles of Prosecco and a party hat. All down the pub after, which had been base camp for many pub crawls and crazy nights which incidentally no longer exists anymore have been shut down on the back of a drugs and guns raid.
When I finally stumbled home I was thinking why did I leave? the people here are awesome. Many of which I still see or speak to but I never really looked back. It had given me so much and more. I had loved it and those 2 crazy bosses were never gonna put a dent in that.
I met F’y the next morning to collect all my stuff.. ovs as ever I was late which was my parting laugh for him.
I’ve seen him since but I loved that he reminded me last night of that last day which then made me think of a fun and free time in a special friends life despite the fact that the reason he was actually there felt as far away from who he is or maybe how I see him. Often the happiness you find somewhere is beyond the reason for being there in the first place. At least in my experience. And Logistician he totally is not, so I think he will understand if I swerve that financial advice he provided yesterday despite it being very attractive.
So as I head home to chill out before operation sparkle up I wanted to place this fun chapter somewhere in my blog. It’s not about NOW but elements of it still are. Quite a few of which I will be seeing tonight.
Because Are you with me?https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VjHMDlAPMUw
Always, always, always!!! ❤️
I woke up this morning feeling like a girl on fire 🔥
In every possible way. and if that shows in the way you walk, it totally did. I was walking on air, smiling at everyone like I knew them and catching their smiles in return. I love that. Practically dancing like I was in some cool advert selling how to be amazing and with a little swagger that said I’m a girl in charge of myself and nothing can stop me. Because I’m unstoppable.
And even if an obstacle comes in my path Ill swerve it with ease or find another route.
In the last few weeks since moving something has ignited me in every wonderful way and it is feeling like everything else needs to keep up with me because Im moving like a fast car with an interior of soft and warm comfort and I ain’t hanging about.
Power and gentleness are sitting side by side and it’s combination that I’m liking while I’m getting stuff done.
It’s a good feeling to start a day with and not one I can conjure up. Either I feel it or I don’t and right now I’m feeling it.
My day was full of normal but i was not. My boss always says to me, “how are you always so happy” and this morning I replied “because I’m a girl on fire”. He just laughed . Love my boss. We couldn’t be more opposite but he likes me as much as I like him. He’s like the big brother that laughs at me constantly and then tells everyone else I’m awesome. Total blokes bloke and makes me laugh all day long.
Today I knew I wanted to get the results of what I had painstakingly had to write in the new year. I have plans and taking control of my own life and future, that, I can do. Commitment and taking responsibility.. all over it. Don’t wait around for what you want to know.. Cut out the middle dragon who had once questioned that and find a person to ask that wants to help. In this case the very lovely fella who had marked it. If I have hoops to jump through then let’s jump through them with a person who knows what he is talking about. I have plans and this forms part of it. Because I think I’m good at what surrounds it and life beyond mine is something I want to be a part of please. Caring for myself is just a stepping stone to something more than me. I’m very happy just being a tiny spec in the much bigger scheme of things.
Obviously in my mission I trod on those scaly toes and
was reminded of the policies.
But the thing with dragons is to feel really powerful they need someone to breathe their fire at. And I could not be bothered to reply. I’m already on fire so knock yourself out puffing. I live in my own kingdom where the only policies I adhere to are the ones written from my own values and integrity.
Swivel on those.
Perhaps it will come back to bite me but I am beyond fearing failure anymore as I have trust in the universe and myself to take me where I’m supposed to go. Everything about where I am at this point has taught me so much and I know there is more to come even if I don’t know what that looks like. Where there is a will there is always a way and as success for me is measured in happiness I’m feeling pretty successful right now.
So my new bit of excitement has been borrowed off my pal Black Panther who has recommended a book to me that he just finished and absolutely loved it with same passion I did with a beautiful book recommended by the lovely and inspiring K. BP”s choice “Can’t hurt me”. Its feeling like a winner before I’ve even turned the first page. Kick ass navy seal that says there is nothing you can’t do.
I’m totally in that place right now so bring it on Goggins.. This girl on fire is all ears 😊
And this post is dedicated to the amazing friends that helped relight the fire when it went out and provide the care and inspiration to fuel it up some more.
L, M, S, D, K, M and of course my SAS girl.
Thankyou!!! You”re the absolute best!!! ❤️
I am tired and sleepy tonight. I like that feeling of being so sleepy. I feel quiet and gentle and warm and I will just fall asleep when my head touches the pillow.
I was just thinking about what I might like to write about next. And I thought … NOW.
I want my blog to capture the moments of today. Because now is where it is happening even if that is feeling tired and sleepy. Every moment counts. I have learnt so much from the moments that have passed to help me make the most of the moments to come.
Let them be as magical as the ones I will dream about tonight.