The Friend

I’ve not wanted to write this week. Something happened that left me feeling sad and deflated.
Like a kid who lost her best friend.

I often hide how much things mean to me for fear of looking stupid but not in this case.
As I sat watching Bridge to Terabithia with my girl tonight, while eating our Cornish pasties she commented that I was like an adult version of Lesley.
The girl who is full of imagination.
It made me smile so much. She normally laughs at it but she said it in such a way that made me feel like she loved me for it.
I guess at some point I have to grow up and yet I’m not sure I will ever be ready to do that.

As I finished work today, with 3 weeks of paid freedom lying ahead of me, I felt like this was a gift of time that I have been dreaming of.
It felt like the school summer holidays had started,  as I polished up my bike, with excitement in readiness for forest adventures, and the time and freedom to let my imagination run wild and create what I hope will be the makings of something magical.
But hidden inside,  I am holding the quiet sadness of not feeling able to share that excitement with my friend.

 

Dream Bigger… again!

As the sun disappears so does the pressure in trying to keep some focus in getting the job done. I felt so much better again over the last couple of days.

Sometimes my blog is the valve that allows me to release feelings.
Good and bad. I can get very excitable and if I have nowhere to share it I can feel like I’ll explode like a fire cracker. And likewise if I feel under pressure doing things that aren’t part of my natural way of being but are a necessary part of surviving financially in the world I live in, I also need to release that frustration.

My blog is like my friend. The one that won’t judge me for being overly emotional and irrational.
That can take a little rant that I wouldn’t share in the real world.
I don’t want to offend or hurt anyone. We are all just trying to find out way in life.
When I talk to my friend called blog I feel better in letting it drift away so I can try and float along happily again. Often I’m repeating myself. I wish I was a constant source of more interesting and exciting. But I’m just me, going along in life trying to be the best version of who I am and growing and evolving in little ways all the time. Maybe not in ways that take the crowd by storm but I know. And when I get rid of those emotions from a moment that has gone,  I hope that it will help me to find myself in a newer and better one.

Releasing my emotions of feeling hard done by gave me a new feeling of wishing to try and make stuff happen for myself. Behind the release of self pity came self motivation.
Having seen an email about a possible scholarship for a writing course I thought fuck it, I fit the criteria of not being able to afford it, let’s write those 3000 words.
So I did. I sat down and wrote the opener to the book that has been in my mind for ages. I made it happen. Well the start of it. And I felt so happy. Not caring about the whether I get the scholarship or not. But because I know that hidden behind my fears and worries and all the unfairness of life that will always exist (no virus is gonna change that shit) I have gumption. Get up and go. A continual effort to make things happen. And often they don’t. And there are more barriers and unfairness and I get frustrated and fearful. But then I have another go and another go and just maybe if I keep trying, eventually I will push my way through. Always knowing that all that effort and trying gives so much more to me than what lays on the other side. It’s what builds the character of a lifetime so that when I take my last breath I can think, I feel well proud of that effort at life. Nice one girl.

Oh and just for good measure I also applied with my friend Bibi to “Race around the world”
Because just as if I’m on repeat, If I am gonna Try, I thought, then Dream Bigger !!!! 😊

 

 

Singing lullaby’s

What to do when I need a drop of feel good.

Spend an evening with my girl watching Disney. The sort of Disney that comes loaded with my guilty pleasure “The Rock”
Having offloaded all my feelings of cynical from yesterday that were just made from frustrations, tiredness and feeling powerless, I needed to kick myself up the arse.
I hate feeling like that. It just makes me sad.
And I feel like I’m better than feeling that way. It’s why I have to get rid of it as fast as possible.
It feels like poison.

Tonight after another long day of work I was given a moment of lovely in getting an evening by myself with my girl. The easing of the lockdown meant that P went round his mates and provided me with some much needed breathing space. To just spend a night of just me and my girl at home felt pretty wonderful actually. I could just be me. It feels hard work trying to be what Is required all the time. So I’m just very quiet most of the time.

She suggested a kids film called “The Game Plan” because she knows Dwayne Johnson just makes me smile and I like things that are feel good.
And it really was. We both proper loved it.
Ending the night feeling happy and wishing for more film nights together.

The truth is that I’m always trying but sometimes I feel like I’m running round in circles getting nowhere.

But tonight I am going off to sleep feeling happiness made from love. That’s where I belong. It’s nice to fall asleep singing lullaby’s.

The Sunshine Inside

Yesterday was more challenging.
I felt like a spoilt kid stamping my feet because I couldn’t go out to play.
The sun was shining and I felt hard done by. All those people on lots more money than me with their comfortable lives that have been furloughed and getting paid for sitting in the sunshine. While lower paid muggins is sitting on her laptop indoors because I’m apparently needed. I have to laugh. Should I feel pleased. I’m needed? I certainly didn’t yesterday.
As others tell me how difficult they will find it not to be needed during this period I found myself struggling to feel any empathy as they talked if picnics in the park.
Perhaps when things really start getting tricky in the world of work, when businesses are struggling and having to lay people off they will continue to remember that they needed me.
Unfortunately despite my Olympic dreamy status I have been around a little too long to know that’s not how it works. I doubt it will mean fuck all.
So while others were out there lapping up those rays I was stuck inside doing my job and theirs.

Being conscientious in my experience has always meant people just asking more of you.

And then it made me think of all the people I worked with through the years who just rode on my coattails. Who didn’t do a stitch and were either super charming and talked the talk to put them in favour with the boss or were seen as being a weak link and moved along to somewhere else. Im both cases they often moved on to better. Both “all mouth no action” and “waste of space”. In fact through the years i have seen how often they find themselves elevated up the ladder, their confidence growing and others assuming they must be good because of their rapid rise. Before you know it they are managing you and believing in their own success and dictating to all those who actually do the work. The same people who usually have so much more to offer, but don’t care enough about being in charge of anything more than their own lives. They say the best people to run this world would be the people who don’t want to. Because of that very reason.

When this thing kicked off, the world suddenly became completely topsy turvy.
Essential worker got turned on it’s head. Well for those who have spent their life living in cloud cuckoo land. Inside, everyone at the bottom has always been thinking the same thing .. what do all those over paid idiots actually do all day?

Those same types who are in charge of everything.. politics, business, media and marketing .. so they will keep enforcing the message of how much they are needed .. cause otherwise, perhaps they might find themselves on the scrap heap rather than those at the bottom. And that can’t happen because in their own heads they are way way way too important.

Can you feel my jealousy of other arseholes enjoying the sunshine not me 😂 sometimes I have to let these less than beautiful feelings out.

Of course the charitable in me remembered what it is that I do for a living. How lucky I feel that I fo actually work for somewhere where what I do each day indirectly makes a difference to more than someone’s bank balance. Where I believe in the difference we try to make to the lives of people who deserve the best. I have to have meaning to life otherwise it would all feel like “ what’s the fucking point”

And then I read a few things from people who I find inspiring. Where they share their passions for things they love. With dreams of making those things something that one day perhaps they could make a living from. I felt myself wishing that so much for them. And then found myself wishing it for me myself. Perhaps becoming a red coat version of Jane Austin living by my pen, where all my characters in children’s stories eventually get everything their hearts desire.

And then I turned my attention to thinking of all the people I love and care about and wondering what they were doing. Dreaming of wonderful for them.
And looking forward to their stories of what wonderful looked like.
Hoping they have it all. I love them so much that no rules apply. They totally deserve whatever they wish for. Although the people I really care about are epically wonderful and in my eyes they  most definitely deserve all their hearts desire.

when I finally surfaced into the sunshine , only to find someone had stolen my tree house, doh!, I was given a massive smile by someone very lovely. I heard my phone ping and immediately I knew it was them. That they remembered my moment in the sun. And suddenly I felt like I mattered. That I was cared about. Not because I was needed, but just because .. A smile created by being thought of can never be underestimated. Yesterday as with many other times actually, it meant bloody everything to me. In a way that any of those superficial materialistic things could never come close.
I often struggle to really believe I matter.
It’s a lovely feeling.

As I finally settled in a spot by the pond where I felt the sun melt my moment of bitter and replace with my caring sharing warmth again I was reminded of a birthday of someone golden.
Sir Nicholas Winton MBE.
Please look him up. There is such beauty in his moment of feeling like he mattered.

https://mobile.twitter.com/jonnygeller/status/1262659525607395328

A man who quietly did a job completely unnoticed.
What he did that was hidden for so many years and yet meant everything to those 669 people whose lives he saved. As I sat with the sun on my back I shed a few tears in feeling so inspired by his goodness. And how very spoilt I was and how lucky I was to be able to look out of my window and see that blue sky waiting for me.

I’m not a perfect being or a selfless creature who never has moments of wishing I lived the life of Riley. Doing whatever the Fuclk I want and being given everything I could ever want. Having all the happiness I wish for handed to me with cherries on top.
Yesterday was one of those such imperfect and selfish days. But that’s not who i want to be in life.  At least I always try not to be.
So today as the temperature ramps up a little more to 27 degrees I will think of all the little kind gestures I might do for others and feel lucky, knowing that it’s so more important to feel the sunshine inside. Because without it there really is no point.

Happy Dreaming!!!

I realised today that while other people have been very busy and productive I haven’t actually done a thing.
Well you know.. productive. (Unless it’s work related)

As I walked across the road from the forest I passed a house of a mum I know whose daughter went to school with my girl. Outside there are always things for people to take if they want them. Her house is very beautiful with so much space inside and out. They have managed during the six weeks to clear out all the stuff they no longer require leaving even more space.

Meanwhile back at the flat not a single job has been done. All the things I never have time for.. you know the stuff, fixing, modernising, rearranging, clearing out, tidying and making everything ordered. Everything having its place so that things can then be found easily and it can all run like clockwork. I think at this point, life might require more than a little redecoration.
Meanwhile all those gardens that have been landscapes and looking like they are mini Kew Gardens.
Ours is uncut with a sea of daisies (I love daisies 😊 don’t you?)
And then I see my girl with her incredible fitness regime. 100 squats a day. A range of other exercises that make me feel tired as she spontaneously does them as I’m talking to her. 10 online dance classes a week and a decision to take up yoga.
I replaced the bike with my walk. I’ll swim for two weeks solid when it reopens to tone back up. No bikini body required right now. So frankly, I can’t be arsed.

And then people who wish to make changes and are putting the mechanics in place to travel, or retrain or to start their own business.

I’ve lost my list. I must make a new one.

The could be firmer bottom line is that whilst all this productivity has been taking place here there and everywhere, what have I been doing?
I’ve been pissing about in the forest like I’m 8 years old. Day dreaming in my tree house, dancing under the trees, twirling as I walk along, chatting to ducks, listening to tunes, Lying on my jacket and looking up at the clouds and making lots of wishes for people I love and myself. Singing songs with the birds as my chorus. Smiling at people who pass by and clapping inside every time they smile back.
You know a bit like when you would kneel up on the back of the bus and wave to the people in the cars behind. It was so satisfying when they waved back.

Do I have anything to show for my efforts.. well not exactly .. well not yet… Well No!!! Does it count that I’ve been giving my head fuck an overhaul? 🤗

Whatever!!! here is my confession..
Ive just felt so very happy pissing about in the forest 😊 like proper happy in a way you should feel happy when you are a kid.
Something I felt even more as I took my phone out of my pocket as I was walking along this morning.
A message from someone that I completely  love, chattering away as if they were walking along next to me. I was laughing out loud as people passed me like I was some crazy. Well it is a fine line when Harley is in the red coat but this morning it was just me.
Just hearing their 11 mins 48 seconds of excited chatter made me feel excited. Like living in double bubble magic!

And as I sat in my tree house which upgraded to a castle this morning I thought when will I ever have so much time again to do any of this without feeling guilty?
I guess it’s all relative to what feels important to me or to you.
You see what I didn’t realise till today is that Ive quietly been following my heart for the past 8 weeks in this forest. In all its desires and passion. Feeling it all in my daydreams. It’s exactly what I loved to do when I was a kid and was told to stop doing, and it is still what I love to do now.
If you could measure it like the 100 metres or long jump or javelin throw I think you might find, in daydreaming, I am an Olympic champion.

So while I continue to work from home, my mortgage holiday continues and I’m unable to make any real and concrete plans for the future I’m going to continue to piss about in the forest letting my imagination run wild. Storing ideas of what I see and feel and thinking of new and creative ways I might be able to use them. I keep thinking that there must be something productive I can do in being me. But perhaps I was just born to dream.

When I was a kid I believed that one day I would do something really special, whatever special looks like. Perhaps I already have. I do feel that special every day when I look at my girl. Maybe there is a different special that still lies ahead or maybe not .. it doesn’t really matter anyways. Because the point is I believe in something more.
For all those things of life which feel so controlled, when I am in the forest I never feel so free and alive.
It is my place to dream. And when I dream no one can control that not even me.
Happy Dreaming!!!!

Who Cares?

Who Cares?

I was thinking about this yesterday as I watched the masses of people walk past me as I lay alone in my quiet little spot next to the main path. Near enough to hear people’s chatter, far enough away to adhere to those social distancing rules. Whose?
Other than the masks I have found myself feeling more normal in being removed from the world. The pressure to be part of it all removed as the rules dictate that I can’t. My loner can happily hide behind those rules and not have to appear to be doing anything exciting, incredible or life changing.

Social media always feels like lots of people shouting in a room but no one is really listening. I guess I’m part of that with my blog. Why do I publish it when I could keep it private. I guess it expels those thoughts from me so I can make new ones.
I’m just another voice amongst the many rambling on.
And as someone very rightly said to me, I do write it for myself. I don’t feel a need to tell anyone else what to do. Do what you want. Who cares?
I mean it. Who really cares? You can do whatever you want. Exactly as you please. No one cares unless they care. How do you know the difference?

My 100 percent beautifully individual friend K shared a speech for the 2020 grads by Oprah. It was uplifting and shared many of my thoughts about life and society which have been there way before any of this stuff kicked off. I loved hearing those thoughts from an influential who was sharing them with kids just starting out in life. Well they were relevant to anyone actually. What you gonna do? What difference are you going to make? Something else I lay and thought about.

But I also thought, when does a persons voice become one that people care about?
What made people listen to the likes of Lincoln and Gandhi. When I think of this world now in all its fake gloss. The uniformity of everything. Eroding away at all those things we know and love that have character, individuality and eccentricity.
Instead sold an image of success in the same. Lose the genuine beneath the facade are really the words those marketeers are saying.
I wonder how they would have marketed Lincoln and Gandhi? They don’t appear to ooze the sex appeal required in this modern age. I wonder whether they would have had the same impact now. What a crazy thought that is. Although I remember Nelson Mandela at one point surrounded by the spice girls.
“You know these are my heroes” he said as one of them shouted “wicked”
I find myself smiling as I type. The power of girl!

I thought about all the people I have met through life. How many of them have continued to walk through life with me. There for a moment and then see ya!!’
It’s why there is such a huge divide between what I class as acquaintances and what I class as friends.
Acquaintances come and go. They can be right there for a moment and then poof! they disappear.
But friends have real care wrapped all around them. They have an influence. They mean something. Their voice is heard above the many because it has something different to say. A genuineness that I love so much.

My favourite song to dance to as you know L. Putting it on loud this morning for all the people who I care about so much and make me feel the same.