It’s Saturday night and I’m on my own having little heart flutters again. I think they are anxiety related due to so much going on. I’m trying not to let it affect me but these things find an out.
I feel tired from the heavy conversation in how we are finally going to resolve this issue. Selling the flat. I feel like I’m in a time tunnel. I’ve had this conversation a million times.
Im so exhausted in it. I found myself wondering if I would be 100 years old, still having the same conversation.
Feeling a desperation to start something new. Anything new.
To try to find some semblance of a happy life for myself.
I should feel something but I’m just worn out. Knowing that I’m starting from scratch again. Everything I previously built up feels lost and I feel like I have to find new things and make new friends again.
Only I feel like I’ve lost my ability to do either.
And knowing there are still challenges to overcome I feel like I’m being thrown out to sea again, all alone with not a life boat to be seen.
Reaching this point is leaving me feeling a little erratic. I’m not quite there.
Holding people even my closest few at arms length as I don’t have the capacity to be what I would be normally. I don’t know how to feel right now. It’s like someone stole a year of my life and I don’t remember what it looked like before.
There is so much big stuff to deal with and I can’t hide from it. I’m having to get my head down and get my hands dirty. Keeping myself to myself a lot makes me feel very isolated but also protected and in turn, protecting. Not wanting anyone to be caught up in my stuff. I’m happy that I’m aware of this because it will help me to avoid fucking up really important relationships in a way I might have done previously.
But I’m also very aware that it leaves me alone in it all. And that does make me more vulnerable.
I’m hoping I’m stronger and more aware, and that as long as I don’t allow myself to get completely exhausted I will be ok.
I find my release in crying in the forest. I’ve cried a lot in the last week.
It can feel like a very lonely place to be.
I had a sleep this afternoon when I got back from my walk. It is easy to feel exhausted from the differing responses to the constantly evolving change in this situation.
I feel like I am controlling the storm. That in itself is tiring but necessary. I have a handle on this in a way I previously didn’t. I know how I need to be in order to keep things steady and calm.
I am holding both my own and my girls emotions which are up and down. Mine being a mixture of the both. She is more volatile right now and I am needing to be calm so that she can find hers too. She struggles to let her emotions out but I’m her safe place to do that. It can feel hard always being that place but I don’t take it personally. She feels safe to be as she is with me and Im glad. I often feel her anger followed by her sorrow. I am trying to help her find ways of letting stuff out
Because when she does throw it out I know she feels better.
Little bursts of angry rather than previously building and building inside until an explosion. So that feels good.
I know I’m really patient with her.
With P I try to just blank it out.
I’m not his mum or his counsellor and he needs to take responsibility for himself. It doesn’t feel like my job anymore. I just manage my response more. Easier in some moments than others. Avoiding tiredness is always helpful. Being in this confined space has meant that I have needed to be resilient and find my space.
The fall out of all my patience is being less patient with the rest of the world. Hence my irritation with superficial and ungenuine people. I have to put it somewhere and my blog feels like a place I can throw out all my negativity so that I can keep hold of the good stuff.
I’m not a monster or an angel but I am a human and I’m not limitless in patience and love even though I do try.
I would do anything for my friends though. That’s just a given.
My girl is a person of logic. She likes things to be in their place and know what is coming. I can feel her hidden anxiety and fears because of all the unknowns. Like most girls her age she isn’t yet very aware of herself with a warped view of how she looks and how she is perceived. If only she knew how amazing she is and yet that is part of her beauty.
Trying to deal in logic is more of a stretch for me because I function very little in logic and completely in feeling. And right now in this current situation there feels like logic doesn’t exist.
We are always going to be coming at this stuff from very different places. That can feel a challenge for both of us but we love each other so there is our middle ground.
Day to day is how it is works best for both of us right now and I know that I will recognise that point when she finally feels more safe and settled. The next couple of months holding all the answers. We both feel in limbo.
I’m suddenly thinking Fucking hell, its really tough being a parent and not getting it all wrong. She’s not me and I’m not her. I find myself often saying to her as she gets frustrated.. I know I’m getting this wrong but I’m always trying and you know I really love you and I really care. It doesn’t help but maybe when she looks back at all my fuck ups she will remember I did everything with the best of intentions. There’s a huge amount to be said for that. I know what the difference looks like.
It can very often feel like playing chess. Pretty much always letting her win or sometimes its a stale mate but the point being, she gets to move all her players around a little or a lot depending on how she is feeling. Sometimes being cautious, sometimes frustrated and sometimes out an out aggressive. She is in control of the game because I have no need to win it. Winning for me is pointless in the long run. What will that achieve. A stale mate usually ends up with us resolving something small, or agreeing to differ, or her being able to release something she’s been holding or just feeling like someone knows how she is feeling. And is often followed with a cup of tea and a biscuit.
But when she wins she has just asserted herself and knows she can. She’s naturally a sweetheart. She finds her way as she goes.
Its not easy though. This thing has made her stress more. I mean it can feel stressful enough when you are an 18 year old young woman with all the details that come with that without a virus messing with your head your life, your future and your relationships.
I saw some terrible programme with parents completing with each other to have the best parent style. Who thought that up? Who has the time in real life for a strategy with your kids as though you are managing a project. That’s got messed up written all over it.
Doing my best and loving her with all my heart was the approach that I took.
She laughed when I asked if she would vote for that strategy. If she hadn’t laughed I would have worried that she didn’t have a sense of humour. And she’s gonna need one of those in this life, that’s for sure.
Especially when I think about my my own life which has been all over the fucking place for the past year and is in need of resolution. I found a way to exist in this ( omg how did I find that way) but that ability is wavering now. With everything opening back up I’m needing to reclaim back my life. Well I say reclaim .. there isn’t actually anything left to reclaim other than freedom and possibilities. Of course at this point it feels more complicated than me just stamping my feet and saying I want my life. Getting my girl to her settled place is basics.
I feel my own frustration in that. So much hanging in the breeze. Predicted grades, uncertainty if universities will even open, what will it be like with extra restrictions The stress levels increased in what already feels like a big moment of change and independence. No wonder she feels stressed.
And on top I am experiencing a shift in my interactions with P. Before I was able to avoid. Now I’m having to live in it more and it’s not easy. Trying to manage the very intense and complicated dynamics of what this looks like and the effect it is having on me is draining. At times detrimentally affecting how I am viewing myself and the world around me. Feeling myself getting lost again and my confidence taking big hits but then fighting a bit harder to try to big myself back up. Again at times I use my blog to big myself up a little. It was easier to feel my confidence when it was just me. Im hoping that will kick in when that happens.
He’s a really good man who has really struggled too, and it’s hard right now with his job and his dad. Both my girl and I try to help him. But he is resistant to changing anything and I just don’t have enough in me to keep trying forever. Ive wiped myself out in it. That makes me sad because I do really care about him and he is my girls dad. But I just can’t be responsible for a grown man for the rest of my life. I just don’t have that same love I once felt. It was lost. This is a different kind of love and it’s not enough.
And yet of course I sit with feelings of guilt. FFS.
And that very thing creates a lot of conflict inside me. Always wishing to be a “good” person who cares about others.
Having an inward battle with myself in the frustration of wanting to make big changes for me and to free myself but continually crashing into my brick wall of honouring my responsibilities and obligations. Foundations of that wall are built on the very roots of who I am in values and beliefs. Ones that belong to me. I’ve been through all of them. Some I threw away but many I own. They may have been learnt but I know which ones sit right with me even if at times they can feel very inconvenient. I actually care very little in what most people think of me if I’m honest. But it does matter what I think of myself. And also I have a care for what my girl and my closest think. Not that they ever judge but I care. I think because they display the kind of values that feel important to me. They are all very beautiful humans.
As for that battle inside, it is like two fearless warriors going at it with equal force. Freedom and Responsibility. Funny how I put Freedom first today. It’s never felt so powerful. Perhaps it is sensing its moment in time is coming. But there is impatience too.
For now I need to dig a little deeper. It’s not my time quite yet. It will come. I believe in it.
I so want to grab hold of the next chapter with both hands and make it something.
I’ve learnt such a lot along the way. I might often have a childs mentality but believe me I’ve been living in a grown ups world. I have battled through lots and have continually got back up again.
Its funny that I have so many fears when I think of adventures. But perhaps because that still feels very new for me. Less comfortable in what I don’t know. Me let loose in the world. That feels frightening. And yet it doesn’t mean I can’t do it. And while others might just take it for granted I will have worked for it. Just like everything else it will mean something more to me which will make every moment that little bit more magic. Perhaps I will be somewhere having adventures while everyone else will be in moment of responsibilities.
Although of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t wish for love. I would rather share adventures with someone who wishes for them too.
Anyways don’t give up on me yet. I might at times be down but I am certainly never out.
And I believe that is what they call a Dreamer 😊💭❤️