I’m fighting with myself. Messed up in a tired head. The whispers of positive rattling negatives cage right now. Wanting to be set free.
I’m scared to be set free again. Not in the world. Just in a life of my own. In fact I’m finding it hard to get to that point of even being able to free myself. Practicalities still at play. Choices hindered by new responsibilities and financial challenge.
Are they just excuses?
No. This is real life. And I know the value of security for me and for others. It’s easy to not care about such things when you just have them. If it was just me then it would all look different. But I have to consider others. I want to consider others. But I feel like I have spent so much time captive in responsibility that I think I’ve now become dependent on it for safety. I feel controlled by it. Losing everything previously built shattered me and distancing myself from most people so my life wouldn’t be seen and I wouldn’t have to explain has left me isolated. Starting again is starting again. It feels tiring, scary, lonely especially in this new world that I don’t feel part of and surrounded by lots of people I have nothing in common with.
Why are you scared?
I don’t want to be despised again. Or called selfish. I’ve tried my hardest to be a good person. I don’t want to feel that sadness in their disappointment and anger in me again. Everything I’ve tried to help with lost as though I did nothing and leaving me feeling like I’m a nobody. Like I’m no good.
You’ve been here before. You’re not a nobody. You’re a good person. You couldn’t fight any harder for others. Fight harder for you. In the way you are still doing for others and always will.
For what? What’s the point of fighting for me. To get knocked down again? I’m tired of getting knocked down. No rocky fight left. No motivation to pull myself back up again. Wishing to just stay down and hope for the closing credits to come soon.
That’s not who you are. You have so much more to you than this. Get up and do something. Just one little change. Just Try!
I AM TRYING!!!! I’ve been trying and trying!!!! Can’t you see that. Can’t anyone see that?! I’ve been trying since the very start. I was completely courageous in it. Four years of getting up and getting knocked down and getting back up and getting knocked down again. Continually. It has bloody hurt. Hidden behind closed doors but fighting so hard. Watching others who don’t have to try so hard always falling on their feet. Don’t you know how soul destroying that can feel. Leaving me thinking “what’s wrong with me?” Always trying to give and then watching others who only ever take.
And even with all that effort to be back exactly where I started. Worse than where I started. All I can hear is noise, demand and expectation. overwhelmed by others sadness and more sadness. Holding all their struggles. Only whatever I do it never seems to be enough. And unable see a way forward. Every direction I look in appearing like a dead end. Leaving me in moments wishing I could take the exit from this life. Feeling like I’ve had enough. Wanting to just disappear and sleep.
Then just find a quiet place and rest. There’s no hurry. One move at a time. You’re doing so well. Dont you know how well you are doing? Don’t you know how well you have done? You’re more than you ever give yourself credit for. You’re more than others ever see. You should be so proud of who you are. Don’t give up on you! DONT GIVE UP ON YOU!!! Somewhere ahead when you are ready and the time is right there is a whole new adventure waiting for you. The sort of adventure that only you can create and others will wish they could have been a part of. The right people will be there for you when the time is right.
Somewhere buried deep down I can hear my voice shouting out for me. Trying to motivate me to get back into this game called life and fight for me. And while I hear it, even in moments like this, in just a whisper to myself, I know I still exist somewhere…
It’s funny. You would think that the sun shining and the birds singing would be the perfect antidote to sadness. I find sadness is much easier to feel comfortable in when it’s raining. Feeling sad in the sunshine while everyone else is happy and having fun just feels like torture. No escape. Even in the garden I could hear all the laughs and frivolity coming from the cricket club. Even the sunshine felt like it was showing off.
I had to dip back into my past as I looked at photos of a beautiful day when I met many different characters as I skipped round a pub in San Francisco. Me at my finest as I chatted to everyone and anyone in my easygoing and smiling and naive way and made lots of friends for five minutes, some of which were captured in photos. One of my funniest days and nights ever. That bar was rocking as this very girl next door with a funny accent (which back then felt more of a novelty) got everyone chatting and dancing. I met all sorts. The lumberjack, the prostitute, the Jamaican hottie, the preppy college couple, the old girl who looked like the queen. Finding a similar version to myself in the cool guy from New Zealand who was travelling who later in the day asked if I wanted to travel on with him. Of course I didn’t. I was young and in love.
I can’t lie, I felt jealous yesterday. Jealous of all those people on the happy train that I can’t seem to catch up with.
Right now I am surrounded by sadness and feeling it deeply within, in so many different ways and forms. As someone else’s pain finally ceases it is picked up by those who are left behind with a gaping hole that is felt both in that loss and the lost connection with someone who we also love and miss but somehow was still felt through that person. Like losing her all over again. I always thought I understood what loss felt like. Full of empathy and understanding. As with most things it’s hard to really get close to this stuff until you really feel it in all it’s force. I’m still some distance away in it not being my own mum but if I compare my own pain right now mixed up with what I am feeling from P and my girl then I know I have some severe heartache to come. This ache that pulls you under until you feel like you are buried and can’t breathe. That hurts inside like you are being ripped apart at the seams. Being close, intimacy, love is a beautiful thing. But it hurts more than you can imagine when it is gone. I’m a very warm and loving person. It’s the thing that most makes me, me. I can already feel the difference love is making for my girl as I see the colour come back into her cheeks. She needs that love so much right now. But it’s tiring.
And P finally starting to feel it. Fighting with it so as not to feel it. An operation ahead in a few weeks that will leave him frustrated and me once again jumping into a caring role. What am I supposed to do?! I am his family.
But then looking at my own life and realising that I don’t actually have one. I don’t have a life of my own. At some point Im gonna have to start again from scratch. While I’ve been rooted in the same spot everyone else has moved on and built new things with new people. That feeling of being alone sweeping across me as I hear all the people laughing together on the other side of the hedge.
Tiredness messes with my head. Taking each day is the only way to handle things. So much to get done in order to move forward but it’s hard to get those things done when everyone is worn out.
So I hold on to the essence of the carefree smiley girl who lives inside me. Who has never really changed through all the years but the harsh realities of real life caught up.
And yet I know that I don’t begrudge caring for others. That’s what real love is.. And I’m glad I’m that girl. It’s just I’m scared of never finding my way back to happiness. Of never allowing myself to have the things that make me happy. Im not sure I even know what those things are anymore? or how I will find people to share with? Or even where to start?
Do you ever feel like you are a kind and fluffy person but as hard as you try to push through it all you still just find yourself going backwards. That’s me!
I’m totally feeling that as I dig deeper again to try to help my girl who I love so much and is struggling right now. She needs alot of help. Lots of factors making her feel sad and isolated. My focus this summer will be in going right back to basics and trying to be everything she needs to find her way back to happiness. She is a sweet and lovely person who deserves to be happy. Life can be tough when you are gentle. It’s all about finding better ways to cope with it. That’s a learning journey of experience. She just needs a helping hand in that right now.
All the while I’m still trying to push forward. I’m feeling like a relentless cuddly bear with the heart of a lion. I have lots of moments when I stop and have to catch myself as I cry and then get straight back on it again. Where there is a will there is a way. I’m always much better when I’m fighting for others. I’m fighting hard.
I know how much worry effort and sadness I have wasted over time on things I don’t believe in and lots of people who don’t care. Letting stuff hurt me and letting it make me feel like less. Sometimes having to do what I needed to do just to get by and keep going and survive on a very practical level. Whilst carrying others. And all the while seeing my own hopes and dreams disappear and having to just accept that despite it completely breaking my heart. It’s been tough and I’ve crumbled under the strain at times. I’m not a warrior. I’m a gentle person who loves. But there is so much strength in love that makes me feel like a warrior just in that. But I’ve never trodden on anyone else. No matter what has been going on I would like to think I’ve always remained a decent and nice person. Actually I don’t think, I know I have. I’ve wised up to how the world is and how a lot of others are but I’ve fought against that feeling of bitterness. That would just eat me up inside and destroy the very thing that is beautiful about me and defines who I am and who wish to be. Love! When I think of who I have had to be and how much I have had to deal with all at the same time I find myself wondering how I’ve done it. There are the easy trails but the more fulfilling of heart mind and soul, are always going to be more of a climb. Sometimes I wish I would just take the easy peasy route. I feel guilty for all the things that Ive got wrong even though my intentions have always been good. But as I get over each hurdle and see the little differences I make over here and over there in every day life, without a label that provides significance, I feel more and more proud in who I am and how much I try. That feeling is helping me right now. I know I’m getting somewhere.
I’ve met so many lovely people through my life. Some that travel along with me and some that are left behind as part of a chapter. I’ve left a lot of good people behind. There’s just not enough time in life to keep in touch with everyone in a meaningful way. I guess I put all my efforts into the few rather than the many. To really love anyone takes a lot of investment in time and effort and care. I try to do that for my special few but sometimes in moments like now I have to concentrate my efforts where they are needed more. But I like to think that my special few always know how much I love them.
I think through the years I’ve had a good mix of the strangers, the “in the moments” and the people that for me are really special and I hope will be with me forever.
I guess social media tries to do the same thing by making everyone the forever people. Only do they feel special? I don’t know how to do that version. It would just feel like a collection of people on a screen like a modern day “this is your life” without the red book. Can’t say I’ve ever been desperate to be reunited with people from my past. But maybe because I’m still really good friends with the people who are really special to me. The rest are wonderful memories.
I never assume or expect anything even though I know what the version I grew up with looked liked But I certainly don’t ever expect what I’m not willing to give. Funny how much I see others that do. But I can’t just conform to what I don’t believe in. Expecting me to or judging me for not, just makes me want to even less. Just because the many do something doesn’t always mean it’s right…. or at least right for me 😊
Gratitude is something I always feel when I feel that from others. I’m guessing all my closest people feel similarly.
I’m happy doing all the things that are really needed right now. Trying to help get stuff done as I encourage them to make decisions when they are tired and sad and have no energy to make these things happen. I know it’s not my responsibility but I care, and I don’t want them to feel stressed in their sadness. Everything coming to a standstill as they feel overwhelmed which results in them not doing anything at all. Picking it all up so that when the day comes they won’t be left with a feeling of guilt. What a complicated feeling grief is. I find some purpose in taking the load off others when they struggle. But feeling like I need to share it so they can take it back. Yes, it feels a lot right now. I’m on auto pilot in getting things done but I’m also suddenly really feeling my roots. They are kicking in as I’m filled with the strength of my very own old girls who held some proper quiet working class feisty. Don’t mess with me when I go into protection mode. Even a cuddly bear knows how to kick arse if required.
In the process of putting together the order of service I found some therapy in listening to the different songs and looking at the pictures and making decisions on things I think their parents would have liked. Then offering it to them in a way that makes it easier for them to decide.
Sometimes when you have a blank canvas and your head is a mess you need to feel a little structure around it for it to feel less scary and overwhelming. But not so much that it is prescriptive. Sometimes it’s enough to clear the way so that the options are more visible. I find it easier to make decisions when I’ve cleared away the mess.
It does make me think about why so many people feel comfortable in all the pandemic rules and follow them religiously without any thought or question. A version that feels so controlling by confusing people because of lack of clarity or playing on people’s fears that makes them completely reliant in seeking that safety. No wonder they just stop thinking for themselves. Just tell me what to do.
Its why I hate these rules so intensely and find it all so manipulating. The thought of living in a world where my life feels controlled fills me with dread. I have more of a fear in living with all the control, manipulation and lack of freedom in restrictions than I do in dying. Maybe because I know I’ve had a good life and I’m not chasing what I’ve missed. I mean what is life without freedom.
I don’t care about the pub or the shops or any of that shit. I do care about people’s livelihoods in that and how that’s been affected. What bothers me is the measures that are put in place to try to control me and others, the under handed stuff pushed through under the cover of covid and all the people who seem to love being the covid police. People now being vilified if they don’t want the vaccination. Do I have to confirm that I’ve had mine. I have but what would you be thinking if I hadn’t. Realising it doesn’t take much does it, for people to start telling others what they should be doing. This thing that was tested for five minutes and we all just said “ok”. Having to go through checkpoint charlie anytime you want to go anywhere. I don’t have the app and I don’t want it.
No wonder some people are now losing the plot with this whole new world order thing. I’m not in their league but I can see how quickly things can change. Especially people. That feels scary. But then I’ve always questioned everything inside my own head. I’m observant even if I say little. Or should I just be an empty head and just do as I’m told?
And let’s face it, history shows that anything is possible. Will we round up all the people who are unvaccinated?
I’m a girl who grew up riding her bike around the streets on her own with the one rule of “be home before it gets dark”. Everything that happened in between was unknown and unscripted and no one knew where I was or what could happen. No phone to check in on me or find out where I was. Pure freedom to do and go where the hell I wanted. Tell me why anyone would wish to give that up.
Now I am faced with the possibility of a lifetime of supervision in every aspect of my life as the grip on us through different rules and technology keeps us all in our place. It’s why I love being in the forest and in the pool. I feel completely free in both of those environments. Love it there. Why do I wish to go where I don’t feel free.
Sometimes I do things that ordinarily I wouldnt, but for reasons that mean something to me I am.
Firstly I am going to do the reading. I don’t really like standing up in front of others and talking. But this is for someone I love and the reading is very beautiful. It is all about love. When I feel and believe in something then it is a completely different story for me and I find it easier. The idea of two souls being reunited and love transcending all the material offerings of life. It is a reading made for me to read. I will feel very proud as I think of them both when I share those words aloud.
And I love the song below that was played in a time when he was clearly thinking about being reunited with his love . That alone fills my soul. When I looked at the very simple version of what I created which doesn’t feel anything spectacular but was put together with lots of love and care and effort I felt really happy. I know J was smiling on me when I finished.
I also agreed to have a two minute video made of me talking about a small creative company who I have worked with that do really great work. Again I’m not a one to say yes to these things. I hate even having my photo taken. But I love the realness of the person who owns it, who doesn’t have that smarmy and fake charm of a saleswoman. She doesn’t need to be that. The work talks for itself and has served a lot of people very well. Quality but at an affordable but fair price for their work alongside a real care for working with charities. I like the integrity that sits behind what she does and that’s what I’ll be championing. With my little common twang.
The reasons justify my efforts, my commitment, my care, my choices.
In contrast I found myself saying “no Im not going to do that” yesterday to my boss. There are moments where my integrity is tested and I have to make decisions. Do I swallow it in order to conform or in this case to potentially keep my job, or do I stand up and be counted. I rarely conform but always choose a quiet life by rebelling under the radar in just doing it in my own way that feels right for me. I can’t be bothered with the aggro. But in this case I did the latter as I made a choice then and there to do whatever else might be required to pay my bills. I won’t be taking over the maintenance of this very expensive piece of junk purchased by those with big egos spending other people’s money. You wanted it you sort it out. It’s very easy to be frivolous with what you haven’t toiled for. I have many times shared my feeling in this. Knowing what an outrageous waste of money it was. Ignored and told that there is more waste elsewhere. I wasn’t talking about elsewhere. I didn’t care about elsewhere. I’m talking about here and people who give their money not realising that it is wasted on things that aren’t really needed. To provide some big ego with a fancy job title looking for a way to prove them selves and escalate up the ladder. Well I don’t give a shit who these well paid people are. It wasn’t their money to waste. And I certainly will not be lumbered with it. Find some other mug cause you’ve confused my care with being a yes girl. You didn’t care. You deal with it.
Fuck it! I’m a helpful person who will offer to do anything for anyone but I won’t be pushed about by people who throw their weight about just because they possess a tiny little bit of power. I used my power. The ability to say no and it felt good. I now need to find something new, sooner rather than later. I can be pretty bloody minded in some moments when I risk it all for what I believe in. In the end I’m a worker and will always work for what I need doing a bit of this and a bit of that. I’m pretty versatile and I certainly dont give a shit about a fancy job title. But I don’t ever want to be pushed into position where I find myself feeling a lack of integrity. I’d be much happier cleaning toilets.
Anyways It has only accelerated a decision that was already in my mind. Every now and then life and situations demand moments when I have to stand up and say “No”. Yesterday was one of those.
And I’m at that point in the show where life is too short to waste on things I don’t believe in or people who don’t care. Im not playing in that game with their rules. I’m just gonna play nicely with the kids I find who also have some integrity and aren’t just in it for themselves.
Change is coming but my version is one that has always been my normal and has always existed.
Love many, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.
Sadness… I’m filled with it but not really feeling any of it. Angry has dispersed in the main in favour of complete apathy in most of the day to day stuff in life and to the majority of people. I don’t really care about any of it. Could not give a shit. “Leave me alone” is how I feel right now. Not wanting to be around others especially anyone who wants to preach to me or is ungenuine, superficial or pretentious. Go away! But my closest that keep it real and genuine are quietly there even though I don’t particularly want to talk about any of it. And I also have the strangers at swimming as a place to just say hello and how are you tonight? Not involved in my life but just enough human contact for me to still feel like me. Providing in the main a down to earth and friendly vibe that comes in mixture of diversity but is actually just a lot of random people swimming. I feel comfortable in that and it is my current little happy place.
Found a place for feeling Angry and Sad last night as I watched newsnight. Emily Maitless being one of the few on tv that doesn’t get on my nerves. She pummelled the Israeli military man who carries out the orders of those in power. Even he pointed out at one point that he felt for the innocent people he was pummelling who had no influence in what was happening. No one who was actually making the decisions was available for Emily to ask.
I felt real sadness in moments as I watched a distraught young boy who had lost his father and brother as the killing of innocent people on both sides continued. The unresolved history between the Israelis and Palestinians reignited. Innocent children in both directions becoming the latest casualties in this new flare up in the struggles of historic injustices and rules. Most of it initially created by others. Historic rules and decisions that fuel the unrest and a feeling of unfairness. Other countries having contributed to this through the years and then taking the moral high ground in the aftermath. What a fucking mess we make of this world. The might of money and powerful friends now retaliating on those without. Those who don’t have a voice. Who is right and who is wrong. Both … when innocent kids are dying. How can anyone be right in that? All the normal little people left to feel the consequences of what I imagine will never be resolved as the pain continues to evolve into more hatred. Creating something that perhaps lies dormant in moments but that feeling of injustice and unfairness will continue to swirl until it explodes with provocation. It happens everywhere and of course those with more money and power see themselves on the side of right and good. The effects of war continuing long after the wars ended resulting in people who were wronged demanding more which then left others displaced. Whose fault is it? The whole thing is so messed up and tangled that to right it is pretty much impossible. It feels so complicated. I don’t understand even a fraction of it . Diplomacy involves people listening and understanding the other persons point of view. Where does that happen? We sit here permanently shining our moral compass as though we are whiter than white but usually we have been involved in fucking things up in one way or another in other places somewhere along the way. And then when it all goes pear shaped we run off pretending it was nothing to do with us and preaching to others about their need to have a democratic process. We are as corrupt as anywhere with all the behind the scenes deals and back handers that are hidden out of sight. Who is ever gonna expose any of it. Everyone is on the payroll. Investigative journalists? Do they even exist anymore? The papers are all propaganda machines. I never take anything they tell me at face value.
What can I do? I’m just another little person without a voice. I’m no genius filled with amazing wisdom. I can’t even fix the things that are closer to home.
So I just paddle my own canoe and listen to this tune as I write, in the attempt to provide myself with some much needed peace that I can’t find in the world beyond and right now is only available in little moments within my own inner world.
Last night I censored my own post. Tonight I’m not. Sharing the full version of what I wrote as opposed to the watered down version. I’m feeling like I just want to say it like I’m thinking it without having to worry how it might be received. I spend my life thinking about the impact of my actions on others. A whole load of people would tell me I shouldn’t. I’m not responsible for the feelings of other. Perhaps I’m not. But I sure am responsible for how I behave in this world and therefore it matters to me how others feel.
When I watch Films and TV programmes, grief is always depicted as this big outpouring of emotion where everyone is sobbing and life stops. The reality in fact is completely different. No wonder people feel there is something wrong with them when they don’t react in “the right way. These are snippets of my thoughts through the past couple of weeks.
My girl is struggling. A lot. I am worrying so much about her Counting the days till she is back and I can take some real care of her. I feel my contribution to her sadness. That’s a horrible feeling to have. Even if the trigger was not by my hand I play a part. Perhaps historic actions now impacting on her. Or maybe not preparing her well enough to survive in this world. I have struggled to survive myself. My sister always said to me that in order to survive in this world you have to care less. Beat them at their own game” she would say. But I don’t want to play in that game I would say. Whatever way you look at it I’m not sure I have served my girl very well in her being like me in many ways. A sensitive little soul. Perhaps my sister was right. She doesn’t care beyond her own and they do the same.
I always liked people and they have mostly liked me. I was always easy going, open and warm and accepting of anyone. Taking as I find. I still am. But now I tend to avoid a particular type. Changed through a couple of experiences that took away the confidence I had spent ages building. My eyes opened to the surface charm and popularity of people who I would not trust as far as I could throw them. I’m rebuilding that confidence but in moments I still feel really stupid and small. I have to talk to myself to remind myself of the qualities I possess. I hope eventually I will find my way back to that quiet easy going confidence that I built and existed before. Continued work in progress.
I love humour. Laughing is the best help for me. I properly love a giggle. I know how to have fun. And I have always lived in a world where people know how to have a laugh and have the ability to laugh at themselves. But they also know how to be kind and look out for others too.
The nicest people I know are often the rebels or the quietest. Very rarely the big leaders of the crowd I realise that the reason I probably have no interest in groups is groups tend to reflect the most powerful person in them. Very rarely is that power the sort that empowers others.
I always loved a poster boy on my wall. I saw a new one a few days ago that came out of nowhere and took me by surprise with an amazing pose that had the throwback of an eighties heart throb. It immediately made me chuckle having just woken up. How wonderful. That thought was then followed by a variety of other cheeky thoughts that included “I totally would”. It’s always good to have unobtainable to dream about. And when it comes with humour then that’s what i call a full package. Especially for the nice cosy girl who also has as a whole lot of invisible Scorpio fire burning inside.
I am also a girl who has spent most of my life happily skipping through the daisies in my own dreamy little way. Never wanting to cause harm to others. Only ever wanting to be a nice person in the world. Trying to be kind to others while having fun and being happy. We are very different in many ways but my girl said the same to me in how she wishes life to be. It’s pretty simple cosy stuff that shouldn’t feel so hard to find in life. And yet apparently in this new modern world of technology and gloss it is. How very unsophisticated we must be to wish to live life in such an old fashioned and out dated way..
The other night I cried as a boy screamed in horror as orders were given to the torturerer to “burn his eyes out” as the boy was made to watch. I felt the horror in the inhumanity of it all. It’s hard to unsee what you have seen. To watch someone’s pain and be completely helpless in it. It certainly leaves it’s scars. In that moment I burst into tears as I thought about “grateful for eyes that can see the skies”.
Real life horrible exists. So much pain that is being felt as I write. People out there that are hurting and drowning in sadness from losing loved ones while others revel in their ability to be able to go shopping for bargains. An antedote for the pain in having to stay at home.
The horror I watched in a film depicted the man made version of horrible in the form of Reynard Heydrich. “The man with the iron heart”. This man existed once. His high status and importance gained through extinguishing the lives of others. His belief that they were less. In fact nothing at all. He was given a lavish ceremonial funeral that would be given to a king. This in contrast to the men, women and children unceremoniously murdered and thrown into ditches as he ethnically cleansed. I don’t even know why I watched it or indeed am writing about it. But it gave me a place to feel.
I have thought about the day after P’s dad died. He had to just go back out to work in order not to lose his job. He was shattered but he was friendly and polite to others as he conducted his covid surveys. A job that he is now doing because his job that he spent three years qualifying for was squashed in a second by those with more power who didnt give a shit about people like him. As he booked his jobs he had to listen to the rudeness of some posh bird telling him that his timing wasn’t convenient. “We won’t be in London as we are off to our place in the country. You’ll have to reschedule”. When he told me about it and the way she spoke I found myself feeling angry for him. There’s just a way of saying things and treating people. Of course she didn’t know that his dad had just died. It’s not the point! Don’t you people get it? Being kind doesn’t just come into effect for five minutes with a happy clappy slogan. It’s just a way of being.
As I write I know I am finding releases for all the sadness that is trapped inside me but I feel unable to share or even feel as it has nowhere to go. Anger being a good release. I rarely feel angry but it uses up less energy than sadness. No time for sadness. In life though I just keep this stuff to myself. I never really wish to cause waves or upset others who are completely unaware. In the end I only wish to have a happy little life. I often feel disappointed at the way people behave towards others. I thought the pandemic would change it. But it hasn’t and in fact what does appear to be change just feels very surface. I know what the real thing feels like.
I am trying very hard to just ignore it or keep my distance from it. I would rather choose to try and find the positives in people, this world, this life. But right now that type are pissing me off in their lack of respect and decency to people I care about. Just because you don’t demand payment for goods received doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pay. He’s dead and now you don’t have to bother. It’s not about the money it’s the principle. He lived his life doing business decently and with integrity. Doesn’t it deserve the same back. I just don’t get people. I couldn’t do that.
Am I off loading in a safe way without really hurting anyone? I normally have more patience but when I think of how lovely P’s mum and dad were to others I find myself feeling even more angry. And then feel angry at myself. I don’t wish to become what I dislike. I think I would rather keep myself to myself and leave other people to it.
It’s strange, up until that point in the film I was feeling quite numb. I’ve been struggling to feel anything beyond others emotions. Maybe the anger that I am feeling with this world makes me feel like I’m still human. Im trying to feel all the humanness in myself. Needing so much to feel the dreamy girl who skips through fields of daisies. She being the core of who I am and how I’m made. She is me. I feel like poppy as her light went out.
And then seeing the terrible scenes from India where death fills the air. Will we all become desensitised from the pain that is felt in one loss because of so many. Cheering for the pubs to be open despite knowing that all around us in the world there are people who are still suffering. Who really gives a shit? Actually I do. Always have. I care so much. Too much. But of course this world prefers those who don’t.
The line between just living your own life to the max and compassion for others becoming a question I wonder about as I hear the phrase “we all need to be more selfish” becoming aspirational. I find everything becoming more and more soulless. But I don’t ever want to be a part of that otherwise what is the point of being alive. I am my soul. Without that I’m just an empty shell.
I am feeling the need to be stronger. Stronger for those who are struggling. Dealing with some big challenges that are the aftermath of what has felt soul destroying. Watching a person die a slow and painful death and the practicalities of that. Eyes that can’t unsee what they have seen. Practical, physical, mental, emotional. Knowing I now need to find everything I am to support two very similar people that are hurting in different ways.
I find myself in moments questioning if I’m up to the job. Feeling helpless yet again in something I have no control in but sits at the root of my very existence and happiness. I feel responsible. I’ve learnt to take care of myself but only so I can take care of others I’m feeling tired but not burnt out. in the main feeling my own worth again inside. But Right now having to remind myself alot. Thankfully I am reminded by those that really know and love me back. I need that at times. If being an idiot is loving others then I’m a fucking great big giant sized idiot. But I’m glad. As I swim each day I try to find the balance required for the next. But tonight I didn’t have the energy and I didn’t want to be around people.
It can all feel very draining in moments. Two people who won’t ask for help elsewhere because they have no trust in others.
A cultural thing I believe. Our type know how to keep our mouths shut and nod our heads. We neither want the aggravation or to leave ourselves open in being shafted by those that don’t play by our values. Not many people are interested in a different perspective now. You can have an opinion as long as its the group opinion. So we just stay mute. I believe there are many many people who feel muted. And I also think that as all the loud people rush out to congregate, a lot of the quiet people continue to isolate until the loud lot run out of steam and shut up for a moment. I think it will be a while.
In my own little world I am trusted. And yet the pressure to hold all of it, not have any of the answers and remain gentle and patient can feel incredibly hard. Being a little more real in that than pretending I’m the expert on human kind and it’s psyche. I learn more from those who struggle than from those who believe they have the answers. I wonder if those who think they have the answers have ever really struggled. Come back to me when you have. I guarantee it will all look very different .
I feel like I learnt a lot in stepping out into new territory but in stepping back have been reminded in what things really hold value. For me it’s kindness, care, loyalty and love.
I feel hopeful for better times ahead. At present sticking plasters on things just to get through this current moment and then hoping that the Summer will allow time for more. Time is the healer as they say. I believe in all of our abilities to find happiness again.
After watching that film I found myself wondering how people can be brainwashed so easily. It feels like it is outdated thinking that must have existed a million years ago and yet it was less than one hundred years ago in a world that would have been classed as civilised. A time when my grandparents would have existed. Holding theirs and their parents stories of the struggles of life and the struggles of war. Experiences of life that hold so much knowledge and yet we seem to place very little value in those people now.
During the past week I have been around P’s family. The older generation. The ones that apparently are all over the hill and don’t get all this new technology … “aaaahhh bless them” How patronising is that. As though to be able to use a computer and a mobile phone makes you some kind of genius. Is genius classed as lots of people who follow a path that has been laid out for them having more idea than those who had to lay their own. They have all the answers to real life despite the fact that their whole lives are lived out in a virtual world.
Do they have any idea what life was like before? They are told it’s better but what do they have to compare it to?
They have been weaned on this stuff like little babies by the big corporates from the moment they were born. Drip fed until they have all become completely reliant on it. They can’t live or function without it. Their whole life being on their little phone. The whole world would come crashing down without that virtual cloud.
They laugh at the older lot who don’t get it. The older lot just feel sorry for them in how little fun life it is for them now. With the censors constantly on hand to say “ you can’t say that”. Freedom of speech. What’s that?
I feel that control in moments until I switch it all off and become my own person again. We have all been well trained in following the arrows through covid. Will we follow them forever now?
I tend to share very little of my thoughts with others anymore. I remembered how it all works. One wrong word and you are slaughtered. And at this point in the show I just want a quiet life paddling my own little canoe. And yet without question I will always help those around me. Anyone who needs it. I find that Money tends to mix with money, and where that lives so does power. It’s not for me.
As for those oldies. You only have to listen to a couple of their stories to know that they have experienced what proper fun really looks like. It’s all stacked in freedom. That’s what I’m interested in.
As I swam at the weekend I watched a young woman in the jacuzzi taking selfies in a variety of poses trying to be sexy as though she were in a fashion shoot…. All by herself. “What are you doing?” I thought as I watched her with confusion. It’s a different kind of mindless madness. She spent the entire duration posing for the picture instead of enjoying the bubbles. For what ? A thumbs up? Once she got her perfect photo she got out. What a fucking waste of a jacuzzi and half hour of her young and beautiful life. You know that will be over in five minutes. It’s a very small window of real youth before you are then chasing it.
I feel sad in seeing the big and unique characters of my past disappearing one by one. People with lots of interesting and funny chat, lots of heart and proper minds of their own. People with real funny bones. I find myself sighing at the idea of eventually having to life life surrounded by lots of bland people constantly taking photos of themselves and posting them. Do they call that social media or a culture of narcissism.
I’ve asked a few family members if they would like to be young again. Do you know they all came out with the same answer. Definitely!!!! So much! .. but only if I could go back and be young again when I was young. I’d have no interest in being young now. Too much bullshit.
Tonight I needed something a little different to the Myagi in me as I turned to the magic of Uncle Buck. The wild thing that has all the down to earth and humour that that I love and is what I need in tough times.
The ability to really make me laugh isn’t as easy as you may thinkI. Ive been around a lot of real life comedy greats who together are like the justice league of comics. Being around them is like being in an only fools Christmas special. They just have it without trying and can make me cry with laughter in hearing their stories. I love so much when people make me laugh.
I woke up the other morning to an unexpected abs very welcome chuckle in a poster I was sent Which firstly made me happy in such cheeky carry on humour and of course then left me feeling “I totally would”. 😊
It’s always good to have unobtainable to dream about.
Today was a really difficult one. I feel tired and sad and wishing so much for people i love and care about to be ok and happy and to have all they wish for.
I’m not the sophisticated type, perfectly turned out and full of fascinating intellectual dinner party chat. Im just a very simple person in this world. A dreamy girl from a time gone by where life was just about having fun and being happy and kind.
The responsibilities of life feeling so heavy today as we try to deal with everything that comes with loss.
If only grief were as simple as shedding a few tears. The real version with all the practicalities of life being so much more complicated than just feeling sad.
Tomorrow is a brand new day as I hold on as ever to the dreamer in me . We are all Dreamers until life tries to squash it. Don’t ever let it ❤️
I am in a perfect love affair with dreamy. It’s not always easy to find the time but lately this love has been all over me every day and it makes all the difference to how I feel.
It’s not like it’s a new thing. This is a love affair has lasted many years. Well beyond those initial butterflies of a sweet but excitable girl wearing a bright red suit who jumped in without a care in the world. We totally belonged together.
Last night that same girl threw herself in again and found herself feeling what she always feels with this love. Peaceful, dreamy, relaxed, pleasured, happy, carefree and content. You have the ability to take me to places that I struggle to get to all by myself. Taking away all my worries and insecurities that make me feel so needy. Feeling vulnerable comes from being open and warm but being needy comes from a lack of confidence which shows itself most when I feel sad and overwhelmed It would be easy to feel needy right now. A deep sadness of loss that I can’t get to while I feel all the emotions of others. Practicalities overtaking feeling. But a moment with you my love and I feel the balance. Because you demand nothing of me. You have no expectations. You make me feel completely free.
During lockdown we were separated. I was ok and found some different distractions but not like you. t’s easy with you. I feel like a free spirited and carefree girl. There is something special that we share. A flow that comes from a strong feeling of connection. I felt it the moment that we were reunited. I remember that Thursday when everyone was clamouring to be together as the pubs reopened. All squashed together in their need for human contact.
But I only wanted you. When I arrived I had a moment of feeling like perhaps I was a loner who had nowhere to go and no one to go with.
Until I felt you surround me. The feeling of freedom in being out in the world but in a way I wish to be in it. Taking me to thoughts of beaches in faraway warm places where I can just lie under the sun in a bikini and feel its healing effects. I felt your instant healing effect as my body and mind relaxed while you caressed and tickled my skin and the pleasure of feeling weightless overtook me. I rolled around for a moment like a frolicking and carefree girl in the hay as this bed of water looked so huge with only me in it and I felt lucky in not having to share it with anyone. The dark sky visible through the windows. I like the feeling of being with you late at night It has a different feel to it.
I love that when we are together I feel so good Only the quiet lifeguard was there as he blended into the background. He allowed us to just enjoy this beautiful feeling of isolation. Funny how that word can have two very different feelings.
You led me into a dreamy place for five days. I was starting to feel the healing process begin to take effect in feeling like a quiet somebody. Finally forgiving myself for every mistake I’ve ever made knowing that I couldn’t try any harder to be the sort of person I wish to be. Everything I do comes with heart. I know how to love and my version is the real deal. The sort that has real substance to it and doesn’t just wash away five minutes later.
Often it is hidden. Looks can be very deceiving when it comes to matters of my heart. What I feel inside isn’t always conducive to the real world and the practicalities of life. Doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist or it just vanishes. Just means that I treasure it inside as it is held with complete care. I feel it every day without anyone even knowing. I’ve learnt a lot about what it is to really love. The unselfish versions. Often it can feel very painful. But I would rather feel that pain than not feel love. It can make me appear ridiculous but I’m not. The truth is that when I think of the relationships I have and hold so very dear, they all come with a huge amount of love. I feel so proud in being made that way. The superficial and shallow I can live without.
Right now these 40 minutes each day with you are the difference in me being able to be everything I need to be in the places I need to be that. It feels like I should be more needy and yet you are providing me with the relief that allows me to be strong and steadfast for those who are really struggling. I’m so grateful for that.
Meanwhile the silence of love is felt inside me at all times especially when I am quiet.
Sometimes little stepping stones lead me to somewhere new. Thoughts and feelings that I hold inside that make sense to me in my own personal way that haven’t been framed by any particular influence only the way I live my life and who I wish to be in this world. My reminder of a film that captured the imagination of a kid who has always felt a bit different led me to look at the meaning of words and elements of the culture that surrounded it. As I related to the broken bonsai tree that was split in a moment of good intentions. The big mistake that was felt in taking it from its safe place where it was sheltered and being protected. The deeply felt sadness in feeling I had ruined what once existed that felt so very alive and well. A naivety felt in not knowing what might result in choices that were made completely from the heart. To feel so much like that little bonsai tree which felt so completely broken and seemingly beyond repair. And yet with time love and care it eventually mended and was able to flower again. It’s strong roots providing the ability to self heal. A process that is very much ongoing in myself. The wonder of enlightening moments as I naturally feel these thoughts when I relate in my own childlike way to something only to then find a deeper and more spiritual meaning as I investigate a little more. To find these thoughts and feelings in philosophies that I know nothing about. An internal and natural learning that comes without books and education but then find some place as I curiously investigate what sits behind things that are completely new to me. Hesitant in wishing to ride down the road of one trail of thought or other in books. Not wanting to limit my thinking by attaching to anything in its entirety. But in this very moment today really liking the connection to something that resonates with me and might hold more learning in a way I wish to learn.
And now connecting to some stepping stones that didn’t hold meaning on their own but when connected together have suddenly become an unconscious part of the point that I have reached without trying to get there. Was there additional guidance without me realising as I think back to the Japanese garden that I walked through and the closed Buddhist temple that was shared with me but caught a little glimpse of it through a tiny gap in the fence. At the time being collected and held amongst all the other various wonders but holding no relevance. And yet as my internet searches took me from one brief description to another I stopped as I found myself in Humanistic Buddhism and felt an unexpected fit to the quiet root of who I am. And a wish to understand more.
“Humanism means to me I’ve got the opportunity To realize that I am free To take responsibility.
To me, it doesn’t seem so odd That many people pray to God Whenever they are feeling low — It’s just the way they have to go.
But when I do not know the way I do not feel the need to pray. I use my brain to figure out What the problem’s all about.
I’m grateful that I have my eyes To see the beauty of the skies, I’m glad I have my ears to hear The voices of my friends so dear.
But best of all, my brains the one That figures out what must be done To help me run a better race, To make the world a better place.”
This has made me feel very happy as I go off to cut the grass and potter around in the quiet and isolation of my own little garden.
And strongly feeling a wish to grow my own little bonsai tree.
Over the past couple of weeks I feel like I have morphed into Daniel San as I channel my inner Mr Miyagi.
If you’ve never seen The karate kid then you will have absolutely no idea what I’m on about but think of Cobra Kai Dojo as the external world. It can feel loud and harsh and unforgiving and unless you join in or are part of it all then it can feel like you are a nobody.
I’m totally in the M Dojo zone right now. This karate kid is finding her way again. Very carefully and slowly. It’s a very bumpy and unmade road.
The big invisible thing still swirling as the roller coaster of illness continues to take me to sudden lows in seeing and feeling their pain and sadness that is relentless but has now become the everyday normality. It’s a strange feeling to become so accepting of something so horrible. What, a few months ago, felt like an intense build to finality, has dispersed into something different. Like a terrible limp. Confusion reigns in everyone bracing themselves for what they remember from before but has not happened in the same way. It feels awful to say that out loud. As though it is a disappointment. In fact it’s more tiredness. Not knowing. Minds that have no peace. Life but not living, care without hope.
It can easily eat away at me in trying to find the purpose in it all other than thinking “is this what real love is?” It’s hard to know anymore even though I believe I feel love in a multitude of ways for different people. I can tell my girl feels similarly. Her emotions fluctuating as she can never find that solid ground in how to feel.
Is it awful to say that I hope when my time comes it is fast and kind and I get to provide those I love and who need it, a moment to say goodbye.
I have felt myself drowning in it as it is difficult to find the positive in hopeless. To always find the right things to say and do. The truth of the matter is that he will die and the lead up to that is filled in the main with difficulty and sorrow. I often wonder how P even copes. It is so all consuming.
My motivation has become a quiet and gentle voice from within. A much kinder and more forgiving voice that is showing me some love. This quiet voice is reminding me of the lessons in every day ways that on the surface appear to just look like cleaning, decorating, gardening and caring, working, exercise. They are in fact all part of the M Dojo training regime. Actually they are integral to the training. The real life of the average Karate Kid. In this Dojo it’s less about wanting to fight and more about creating a happy and peaceful state of mind. If I feel good inside then I can deal with anything beyond.
I laugh as I write. Calling my inner me Mr Miyagi in order to make sense of where I’m at. I have lived in this head all my life and the random craziness that can be conjured up in a moment can leave me chuckling to myself for weeks. This is the way my mind works. I may receive inspirations for thought from different external sources but if it doesn’t come from the inside in how I relate, think or feel about it then it has very little impact on me.
Anyways I practically want to put a bandana round my head. Can I borrow your yellow one cloud monkey? After the appearance of the real karate kid on the tv a few days ago it reminded me of Ralph Macchio on a poster on my bedroom wall. I was either going to marry him or Michael J Fox. I wasn’t fussed. Dreamy!!! I didn’t marry either but I did once stand on a rock by the sea as a kid, looking like a nutcase, as I recreated the crane. Who hasn’t imagined taking down those people who have not treated you so nice, with one killer scissor kick while an eighties anthem plays loud in the background and some hot guy/chick runs in to congratulate you in doing everyone a favour. Or am I the only one who ever thought that? 😂
Was it a coincidence that I’ve been helping my friend paint the whole of her house in one colour?! Long up and down paint strokes. It’s all in the Wrist action Miyagi said, as any teenage boy will confirm. Or as I wash my bathroom floor I suddenly start moving the scrubbing brush in circular motions as if to “sand the floor” or “wipe on wipe off” as I buff up super soft skin every day with a little moisturising oil.
These aren’t just every day jobs. This is me in the process of becoming match fit as I finally find myself in a position to reach for the next step up.
Yes it’s all about choices. And who wants to admit that they didn’t have any because they have no money. Did I really wish to make myself feel even smaller.
My newly approved mortgage is now going through. Hopefully in place by the end of the month. This very practical element in itself is a huge step forward for me as I have been juggling money for the past 2 years when I found myself trying to sort out a crazy mess. Holding so much worry in that.. back at the start not knowing if I could buy shopping or if my card would reject as I tried to get to work on the train. It felt desperate. I lost so much sleep. Trying my hardest to hold on to that little piece of security that we both worked so very hard for, through half our live. Trying to carry us all to the other side when I couldn’t cope myself. I never want to ever find myself in that position again. I felt the value of security. I was exhausted when I hit Christmas not realising that covid was round the corner where P would lose his livelihood, his dad’s cancer would worsen, and I would finally feel the full effects of everything that had happened through those few years.
I mean it’s just a flat. It looks like nothing to others but that is the product of all our grafting. All the shit that we ever put up with in our lives. All the things that we went without. It was a lot to me.
Patience M -San. . 2 years on that patience has finally put me back in a position to re borrow with a proper lender rather than some emergency nowhere else to go cowboy firm. I feel on more secure ground. It feels like a massive weight lifted just in much more manageable repayments. Im taking a massive breathe again for a moment before I exhale and start again. Regaining security for my girl is so very important to me. I don’t really care where I live. This flat is for her.
But what it will mean in a month or so is that I can start to put some money aside for the next few months to save for a membership. I don’t want to borrow anything else. If I don’t have it in cash then I’ll go without. Save save save. I need to get the basics in place if I’m going to rebuild. Only I’m building on foundations that feel more solid. My roots feel deep and strong. I need money for sure but it will never be my motivation. I only need enough. Enough not to worry and to have choices. Anything more I would always share.
As for having my voice heard I am trying in different ways. Putting my hat in the ring to manage the apprenticeships. Stating my case in how we might create more diversity by challenging how we recruit. Does everyone have to come through that one sane route. My voice was picked up and taken forward. I have an opportunity to change something very small but in a real way. The current thinking being very narrow. I’m trying to widen it in ways where a real difference can be made even if that is only for one person. I can’t change what I have no part of but perhaps I can in what do. I sure am gonna try.
I’ve sat in enough meetings through the years where the ideas go round and round and no one ever does anything. I’m a project girl. Give me something meaningful to do and I will go away and make it happen. I’m a dreamer for sure but I’m also a practical girl who will happily get her hands dirty and likes to get things done in a way they will make a difference. When I care about something you get all of me.
Funny .. I put a couple of quid on talkischeap in the Grand National on Saturday. He pulled up after the 25th fence.
My eyes are definitely starting to scan for opportunities where I might be able to add some value when I have more time and energy to give.
I am finding myself a little more motivated every single day as my quiet confidence grows within. I’m feeling the energy from riding my bike every morning. Blimey .. Im even seeing abs appear 😂 And now I am swimming again I feel like I’m heading into summer as a lean mean bikini clad machine. The outfit of choice for this beach loving karate kid.
But as the country starts to open up and everyone is let loose, I’m staying focussed within. The same responsibilities and jobs still exist for me. My time is limited and precious. I do get very tired but I’m trying to use the momentum. Right now using this current motivation to do all the practical things that need attention here. Fixing, painting, clearing out. The sort of stuff others did through lockdown in their boredom. The sort of stuff I’ve been helping others with. But now I’m bringing it home. These things are all part of trying to move forward. And I’m keeping my head down despite the lifted restrictions.
In the end Life for me is all about how you did it rather than what you did. I don’t want or need to be the best. Ive only ever wanted to try to be the best version of me and do it with a smile. I’m trying!!!!