As I sat as quiet as a mouse under my umbrella in the garden yesterday morning an old song I like found its way to me from my random playlist. I love this tune. It has such power, hope and motivation in moving forward. It gave me that once before.
The rain poured around me as I sheltered. Just feeling the tickle of its spray on my bare shoulders.
Looking at the red rose bush that I cut right back a few weeks ago but is growing back up again with healthy new stems and accompanying leaves of red and green that look so vibrant in the rain.
The combination of everything gave me a feeling that I love. Like a beautiful simmering fire building within me from the depths of who I really am. My voice telling me that I can do anything. If I want to.
And I am.
As I finally start making plans to see people that I love. Just “say yes to adventure” as my new hammock cushion says with a picture of a bike with wheels of daisies. The reappearance of the vanishing lady commencing with chocolate and ice cream on Thursday.
Feeling real movement within as well as beyond as I start to move and reengage. Feeling the connection to myself as well as a connection to what surrounds me. Of course I got a little help from my beautiful friend who helped this little person put her shoes back on. The little person who was actually once a mouse.
The mouse who knew how to fearlessly navigate a maze.
The battle that immediately exhausted me got a boost as I received beautiful wild flowers from my neighbours and a reminder of what my care can do in listening to the young woman in her twenties in the next block. She was feeling the pressure. The flat she inherited a few years ago when she lost her mum. A larger than life woman who had old school east end fight and would see prospective builders running away with their little tails between their legs.
This young woman who was once a little girl when I first moved in. Stunningly beautiful like a young Lisa Bonet.
“Let’s just do what we can. It’s all we can do. We are totally in this together. Just enjoy your day.” These words said quietly with big concrete meaning.
Feeling that powerful solidarity in a group that care about each other and are fighting as one.
Funny how and when and where you find the things that you always look for. Suddenly feeling like I fit with a group of very random and different people that have one thing in common. We all care about something more than just ourselves.
The old boy who has vowed to lie in the road and the giant polish guy in the next block who said he will hang like a cross on chains from the buildings should they try to take it from us.
What a fucking army this is.
I have to find the comedy in another ridiculous episode in my life.
The forest bravehearts.
This is a group I can be part of.
This I can connect with.
Conformity is like a prison for me. A way of making me the same, like a robot on a conveyer belt. Doing what I don’t wish to do. Making me fit into a box that I don’t want to be put in. It just makes me feel trapped. I thought for a moment that I wanted to fit. To be part of the many. To be part of what on the surface looks like more.
But really I just want to be dreamily happy and have fun.
I know how to have fun. I’ve had a lot of fun in my life. But the fun is always related to who I am sharing it with and the kind of energy that I feel in that. I’ve felt the different energy in different crowds, groups and individuals. I can be doing exactly the same thing but the difference is made in the feeling I get from those around me.
In those perfect moments when I find myself somewhere at the right time with the right person and the right surroundings then that feeling of fun doesn’t have to be searched for. I feel it inside myself and in who I’m with and I am completely lost in it.
It’s real, it’s felt and it’s memorable and epic.
But trying to be part of the many just the sake of being part of something “more” just doesn’t provide that feeling. My heart has to be in and so does theirs.
I thought maybe I avoided it as a protection for not fitting. Feeling sad in moments because I don’t know how to be part of it.
But I know I’ve always found many times people and places when I’ve been completely part of it.
Times when noone fits which makes them fit. When no one has to adapt. Just be you.
I feel more alone when I have to become what I’m not… minus the energy and fire I have when I’m alone and I don’t.
My heart rules my head. Sometimes I have to follow my head to survive in this world but when I follow my heart it is to live and to love.
It’s easy with people I love. It wouldn’t much matter where we are or what we do. They’re there. It’s all I really need. And I love sharing what others love.
When I am on my own and feeling that fun and happiness I always know who I wish to share it with.
Wanting to transport someone in just so they can feel it with me.
I found myself feeling that perhaps there was something wrong with me because I don’t see things the same way or I don’t get it.
Or that I don’t have the ability to be part of groups and enjoy all that comes with that.
But it just depends on the group and how accepting they are of what’s not like them. Groups that allow you to be who you are without consuming you or owning you. I don’t like that feeling of being smothered by a majority who place me in a role that I have to conform to. No room for evolving as the demand to be what others want from me steals away the freedom to just be and give what I want. Feeling their disappointment when I don’t deliver and feeling my frustration in having to be a one dimensional version where all the rest is suppressed.
A selfishness and arrogance perhaps in not wanting to just do as I’m told. Only I don’t think I’m either. I don’t require others to do what I want. I’m happy to avoid what isn’t for me. Less rebellious and more just wanting my space to just breathe and live.
To be as I am without all the constraints that come with fitting.
And I like the quiet. And often it can all feel so crowded and noisy. You’re in or you’re out. With everyone telling everyone what they have to do and be.
A lot of white noise
Don’t do it like that. You need to do it like this.
I can disconnect from that very quickly.
I don’t always know who I am or what I want. So how do you know?
I guess I like peace. I like space. I like to be just as I am without being told who I should be. I like doing things spontaneously just because I feel it. I like feeling free and autonomous.
I like living life in my own way, in my own style and without feeling the need to do what others want me to do.
I like having people around me that understand that and don’t feel a need to control me.
I’m my own person. I came into this world on my own and I will leave it on my own but in between I would like to feel all the love and fun that makes this life worth being a part of.
That makes me feel connected to more.
Caring for those I hold dear in their moments of need but trusting in their ability to do what they want when that need isn’t there.
I’m just there.
I try to give what I wish for.
I spoke to my best friend from school yesterday.
One of only two people I remained friends with from that time of my life. Love them both. This particular friend has always been lovely bubbly beautiful. And she looked out for me when we were kids. I say I kept in touch but in fact she always reaches out to me when I go missing for a while.
But yesterday I reminded her.
Her response being as ever to address me by my full name. The name that was given to me at birth before i got married.
It always makes me laugh that she calls me that. Like a reminder that I’m still that same girl.
“MN We’ve always loved your smile laugh and your kindness. You’ve never changed” she said.
And with that we made a plan for me to go visit her in Suffolk in September.
In order to run I have to leave the past behind. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t take some of that with me into my future whether that be what is held inside me or in the special relationships I have that can be shared in a new time and a different place.
Because I love to run on my own but as I run I always find myself wishing to share it with those I love and who love me too.
Run with me ❤️