Are you with me?

Saturday!!!! I love em! It’s a day to feel like a teenager. More than I do on a normal day.
It’s a day when I know once my work is done it belongs to me. Whatever I choose to do on that evening I know I don’t have to get up early the next day so I can let my Goldylocks down, chill out and enjoy. And that is a feeling I sooo love and loves me right back.
And tonight that comes in the form of a much needed party, dance floor and my sacred home to just get lost in free. Like taking a trip into outer space.
A thing I was reminded of so clearly late last night when I heard from a friend of mine that I haven’t seen in a while. F’y.
This boy was a little hero about 4 years ago when me, L and M had the worse boss in history. In fact not just the worse boss, the worst two bosses.
The type that take the magic and sparkle out of your days which before that had been very golden and overflowing with fun.
The description one boss gave of the other was “she is an iron fist in a velvet glove” and they were allies!
Doesn’t really sing out warmth and lovely. Loyalty or values weren’t really a part of their armoury and it showed at a later date when one pushed the other off the cliff.
Choose your friends wisely … and I always do.

Anyways in the period when myself, L and M felt their full force, F’y stepped in and gave me an out. And a fun and happy one at that. He was like, “come work with me. We”ll have a laugh” and we certainly did, every single day. He always said to me it’s not really a proper job but will tide you over while you”re at college. And it did, until I found something new and wonderful that also fitted with the new plan.
I loved the way that F’y helped me and L swerve their game of divide and conquer by making us compete for the same job. We were having none of it and neither was F’y. They didn’t love him for it but he didn’t give a shit. What a guy.
Anyways he messaged me as he had met someone a couple of days ago that I had worked with since then and they had asked him if he knew me.
His response had been “oh the girl that is so much fun, likes a drink and a holiday”. Love that description. He then went on to tell her about my last day there.
Omg F’y way to ruin my new professional reputation in five minutes.
That last day was my most epic of last days ever in a job.
It was just before Christmas. Just prior to that me and L had organised the bestest party ever seen in the dizzy heights of our conference centre. Having attended many a dodgy Christmas do through about 4 years( yes L you know I’m thinking of Elvis night with a trip to Red Mamba followed by Chanel/Channel M walking down the middle of the road splitting all the fighters like a three wheeled yellow Reliant Regal outside Nelson Mandela house) We started to organise a variety of Christmas do’s externally with ever more interest from around the building. Till finally we went all out and organised an in house 007 party complete with casino table, chocolate fountain, Red London Phone Box photo booth which unfortunately didn’t work but looked nice and all decorated by our fair hands with the help of the maintenance team. All done on a budget of about 100 quid. Pop up bar next to the dance floor so as not to lose everyone to the bar outside. Everyone came dressed to kill and the dance floor was solid all night with people drifting off every now and then to play roulette or visit the bar. Proper kickin night and made me feel prouder than a single thing I’d ever done in my day job.
Me and L talked about going into business which lasted for five minutes when we realised we only like organising stuff that we get to enjoy. And enjoy we did 😊
A few days after was my last day which was also the day of the Christmas lunch. And F’y was all over it. The day kicked off with Prosecco and pastries from the moment I strolled in at my normal 15 minutes late 9.15, despite the fact that I only lived five minutes away.. a fact that F’y always laughed about but didn’t care. He knew I was a good girl.
Everyone came up to our floor to say goodbye and hear my amazing and inspirational leaving speech which basically was “OMG I’ve had such a laugh here. It’s been wicked!” My CEO who also came along must have felt so proud. Weirdly crazy bosses were both off that day. By the time I was at the Christmas lunch I think I was already half cut. If you’re gonna go out, go out like a firework my friend BH had texted me. Part of the C7 crew that had already started to disperse and had been the ultimate time in the buildings social history. RJ, what a legend. I remember walking back to my desk with two bottles of Prosecco and a party hat. All down the pub after, which had been base camp for many pub crawls and crazy nights which incidentally no longer exists anymore have been shut down on the back of a drugs and guns raid.
When I finally stumbled home I was thinking why did I leave? the people here are awesome. Many of which I still see or speak to but I never really looked back. It had given me so much and more. I had loved it and those 2 crazy bosses were never gonna put a dent in that.
I met F’y the next morning to collect all my stuff.. ovs as ever I was late which was my parting laugh for him.
I’ve seen him since but I loved that he reminded me last night of that last day which then made me think of a fun and free time in a special friends life despite the fact that the reason he was actually there felt as far away from who he is or maybe how I see him. Often the happiness you find somewhere is beyond the reason for being there in the first place. At least in my experience. And Logistician he totally is not, so I think he will understand if I swerve that financial advice he provided yesterday despite it being very attractive.
So as I head home to chill out before operation sparkle up I wanted to place this fun chapter somewhere in my blog. It’s not about NOW but elements of it still are. Quite a few of which I will be seeing tonight.
Because Are you with me?https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VjHMDlAPMUw

Always, always, always!!! ❤️

Girl on Fire

I woke up this morning feeling like a girl on fire 🔥
In every possible way. and if that shows in the way you walk, it totally did. I was walking on air, smiling at everyone like I knew them and catching their smiles in return. I love that. Practically  dancing like I was in some cool advert selling how to be amazing and with a little swagger that said I’m a girl in charge of myself and nothing can stop me. Because I’m unstoppable.
And even if an obstacle comes in my path Ill swerve it with ease or find another route.
In the last few weeks since moving something has ignited me in every wonderful way and it is feeling like everything else needs to keep up with me because Im moving like a fast car with an interior of soft and warm comfort and I ain’t hanging about.
Power and gentleness are sitting side by side and it’s combination that I’m liking while I’m getting stuff done.

It’s a good feeling to start a day with and not one I can conjure up. Either I feel it or I don’t and right now I’m feeling it.
My day was full of normal but i was not. My boss always says to me, “how are you always so happy” and this morning I replied “because I’m a girl on fire”. He just laughed . Love my boss. We couldn’t be more opposite but he likes me as much as I like him. He’s like the big brother that laughs at me constantly and then tells everyone else I’m awesome. Total blokes bloke and makes me laugh all day long.

Today I knew I wanted to get the results of what I had painstakingly had to write in the new year. I have plans and taking control of my own life and future, that, I can do. Commitment and taking responsibility.. all over it. Don’t wait around for what you want to know.. Cut out the middle dragon who had once questioned that and find a person to ask that wants to help. In this case the very lovely fella who had marked it. If I have hoops to jump through then let’s jump through them with a person who knows what he is talking about. I have plans and this forms part of it. Because I think I’m good at what surrounds it and life beyond mine is something I want to be a part of please. Caring for myself is just a stepping stone to something more than me. I’m very happy just being a tiny spec in the much bigger scheme of things.
Obviously in my mission  I trod on those scaly toes and
was reminded of the policies.
But the thing with dragons is to feel really powerful they need someone to breathe their fire at. And I could not be bothered to reply. I’m already on fire so knock yourself out puffing. I live in my own kingdom where the only policies I adhere to are the ones written from my own values and integrity.
Swivel on those.

Perhaps it will come back to bite me but I am beyond fearing failure anymore as I have trust in the universe and myself to take me where I’m supposed to go. Everything about where I am at this point has taught me so much and I know there is more to come even if I don’t know what that looks like. Where there is a will there is always a way and as success for me is measured in happiness I’m feeling pretty successful right now.

So my new bit of excitement has been borrowed off my pal Black Panther who has recommended a book to me that he just finished and absolutely loved it with same passion I did with a beautiful book recommended by the lovely and inspiring K. BP”s choice “Can’t hurt me”. Its feeling like a winner before I’ve even turned the first page. Kick ass navy seal that says there is nothing you can’t do.
I’m totally in that place right now so bring it on Goggins.. This girl on fire is all ears 😊
And this post is dedicated to the amazing friends that helped relight the fire when it went out and provide the care and inspiration to fuel it up some more.
L, M, S, D, K, M and of course my SAS girl.

Thankyou!!! You”re the absolute best!!! ❤️

 

 

 

Now

I am tired and sleepy  tonight. I like that feeling of being so sleepy. I feel quiet and gentle and warm and I will just fall asleep when my head touches the pillow.
I was just thinking about what I might like to write about next. And I thought … NOW.
I want my blog to capture the moments of today.  Because now is where it is happening even if that is feeling tired and sleepy. Every moment counts. I have learnt so much from the moments that have passed to help me make the most of the moments to come.
Let them be as magical as the ones I will dream about tonight.

 

Rain

Living at the top of a house is just wonderful and perfect for me. Just as the skylights look up at the stars I also feel the full wonder on a rainy morning. Lying in the dark as the rain comes down hard on those windows above me. Such a beautiful sound and feeling especially when I have no need to go anywhere.

There is something so very romantic and sexy about rain and just the sound of it surrounding me is taking me to that place.

With the right person being in rain  is simply magical.
To be soaked through to the skin and then frantically removing those items of clothing from each other to be able to feel the warmth from each other’s skin. I think that may be the ultimate in fuckable moments. Actually I don’t think, it totally is.

As I’m lying here alone listening to this rain I’m realising that I absolutely love the freedom to be me but a big part of being me is physical intimacy. And I am missing that .. A LOT!!!

Happiness in Sharing and Solitude

For one who has always found more energy in being around others I’m constantly discovering another part of me that feels energy, magic and happiness all by myself.
I am a sharer. No point in pretending because I totally am. In fact I am fascinated by the principle of sharing. There is a huge difference between self reliance and a natural urge to want to share. The two things are completely unrelated and I see this more and more. Sharing is huge part of my make up. It’s how I make decisions, learn, feel and relate. My happiness is somehow entwined in this and when I think of this blog it somehow fulfils a need in me where other outlets aren’t available. Although sharing for me is like absolutely everything else, a two way street. I assume and hope that others will reciprocate without being asked. Weirdly I find myself drawn to people who are the opposite of that. I wondered recently if that is because my mum is everything I am but an introverted version.

She always says to me that she loves my excitable.

Im not a sharer because I’m needy. I mean, when I struggled I was the neediest I’ve ever been in my life. Not a feeling I liked or felt comfortable with. But I’ve come to accept that It didn’t make me less it just made me human. Neediness feels like it has all but disappeared other than perhaps showing itself in little insecurities that still exist and probably always will to a point. If there is a person in this world who is totally secure in every single sense of the word then I salute you. But I do find myself wondering if you feel anything.
Anyways sharing..
Despite not feeling needy I still have a huge desire to share. And I’m realising that needy and sharing are very different beasts. Sharing for me is more about giving and taking magic that comes in thoughts, experiences and emotions. There is something so basically human in sharing. I find very little pleasure in eating a whole bag of sweets myself. I love sweets but I don’t want to eat all of them. In fact I want to try some of yours. There is something wonderful in knowing what those same sweets taste like to someone else. Of course it’s fine if they don’t want to try them. They can eat their own and not share but I guess that just feels so unfamiliar for me. I would always rather swap you some of mine for some of yours. It makes for more variety.
Think miniature heroes. a wispa, cream egg and dairy milk rather than 3 dairy milks.

But.. and it’s quite a big but.. there are moments of solitude where I just want to take my share of those sweets somewhere very quiet and enjoy them all by myself. So that I can really taste them. How else can I share that taste if I don’t know what that is. And just sometimes.
Today was one of those times having been surrounded by people constantly all week which I really love, but is increasingly tiring in the depth of what that looks like and so I just need a slight rest from it.
But even then in a slightly different way.

So this morning I woke up early and happily rolled around in my bed because it’s so comfy and I’m up early every single day. A moment of lie in felt pretty epic. I had a brief but beautiful moment of seeing the sun shining across the forest from my bedroom window and I instantly felt alive.
So I headed into that magical place of unknown, to discover what lay beneath those frosty treetops. But as I started my adventure with various thoughts and feelings, I shared them with the people that mattered to me in differing ways. I try to pick the right sweets for the right person.
My “take” is having a place beyond myself to capture these feelings My “give” is to pass on my excitement and wonder in the hope they will feel that in all its undiluted intensity to feel able to “take” in return.
But if you are not a sharer I’m guessing that this can look very much like “take take”.

As I walked deeper into that forest it became mine. Like disappearing into my child within, who sees the fantasy of what is living around me. Hearing every sound.. the wind, a voice floating in the breeze, the various birds singing, cars in the distance or those sounds that take me back, in this case some machine being used in someones garden. Hearing that sound is like I’m lying on my bed in the summer, window open and net curtain blowing in the warm breeze and daydreaming about marrying the popstars on my posters.

And the sights… intricate formations of tree stumps, or a little bridge across a ditch. Or the maze of possible paths to be taken and imagining  where they might lead and what magic I might find,  and the patterns in the mud and the branches of the trees and the colour of the leaves and the way the sunlight hits certain parts of the forest  and and….

I found myself lost and conpletely alone as I walked deeper and deeper into a place that could have been “the road to terabithia”. I watched that last week with my girl and laughed when she said “you’re like that weird kid who creates a world out of nothing” Perfectly correct and weirdo girl I may be but at this point I should say I became very aware of being a woman deep in the forest all by myself with no one around. I have a feeling this would feel very different for a man. And despite the fact that I don’t want to restrict myself in my adventures I’m also acutely aware of my own safety and the limitations that can bring as a woman not just here but in so many places. Perhaps if I didn’t have my girl I would care less. But my responsibilities to her trump everything and remind me to take care. Even lovely L messaged me to take care ❤️
So I ventured just a little further in isolation and found a half frozen lake. I have been missing my special place of 18 months which I strolled to so easily and safely. This was beautiful but it didn’t have quite the same appeal. Bigger and better I’m sure but that’s never been an attraction for me. Ive always preferred understated with hidden wonder that comes to life and sparkles when no one is looking. That was my old pond and it’s still in walking distance but I’m sure I’ll enjoy this one too.
As I ventured back with no sense of direction in where I was or where I was going I had a magical moment in finding a swing tied to a tree hidden in a quiet spot of nowhere. So hidden it could be easily missed if you didn’t know it was there. I didn’t know but I didn’t miss it. As I swung quietly in the morning sunshine With No one around other than my friends the trees, and a couple of cheeky squirrels, my happiness was taken to a beautiful place of peacefulness.
Just swinging.. not thinking, not dreaming, not wondering, and not SHARING… just swinging. It was all I needed just for that moment. Simple and easy and perfect.
There in nowhere was my new special place for moments of solitude. As I walked back I thought, will I find my way to that special place of solitude again? Yes.. of that I have no doubt.
And then I thought, I’ll be wanting to share this magic in my blog.

You can’t suppress what you are.
So share I am… with gratitude 😊 xxx

 

Because I was Free

Wow!!! One month into my magical lucky number year and I’m feeling pretty incredible.
19 is my roulette number.. It signifies so much and is all about taking a chance in this one life we are given and making it count. Number 19 ..First chip down and bam 💥 36-1 and my fiver turns into 180 quid. Haven’t been to a casino for a while… I feel like my luck is in and will put that on my list of things to do this year. To take a gamble on some unpredictable magic is a chance worth taking. I learnt that a long time ago and it paid off until that luck ran out. But the magic did not. To sparkle even as a loser is to sparkle more brightly. And that extra sparkle makes me a winner.
So what of my month. Well it has been treasured for every moment of every day which has gone beyond even by my own standards.
Not that I’ve done anything of any real magnitude or excitement.
Well no that’s a little bit understated. I moved!!!
Like a Cinderella story of rags to riches.
Totally feeling like a princess in my new world amongst all my busy with candle lit bath times, relaxing evenings with a glass of vino listening to music and lost in my own thoughts within the warm glow of contentment and heating.
I can almost remember myself on a freezing cold night like this last year. Hanging  out under my duvet with a cheap heater at full blast hugging my of course red hot water bottle. Distant memory of another time and another girl.
No such shenanigans these days.
Hanging out under my duvet from now on will be a much more pleasurable experience. I’ll put all my chips on that gamble.
Something in me has come back to life. The part that was lost for a while when I had felt so broken at times, more than anyone would have ever been able to see despite having to live it out in front of many eyes. Some eyes that saw so much, some that saw nothing and some that judged in what they didn’t understand. Eyes tell such a story. It is my most favourite part of a persons physicality. There is such truth in eyes being a window to a persons soul. You can see everything you need to if you look hard enough. Even this morning on the tube when it was so busy I looked out of the tube window and caught the eyes of a heavily pregnant young woman standing in the cold waiting for a safer entrance to the tube. Our eyes met and we smiled at each other. She felt my care for her being in the cold and caught in the bustle of tube traffic and I felt her thanks for me noticing. When I look into the eyes of someone I care about it’s like I can see everything they want me to see but so much more beyond. What a magical thing that is.

I feel like I’m happily hibernating but living so much in that. I’m enjoying every single little joy that the day affords me. I am laughing like me. I laugh all the time. It’s who I am because I find joy in the tiniest of things. The things that some people don’t see but for me are like a blanket around everything else.
I started the new year feeling so excited and ready for the adventure ahead and then suddenly caught by the fear that comes from sadness. I’ve felt that sadness in every way a person can over so much time and I took the decision to feel my own new found and fought for happiness instead. Not selfishly. I’m not in the business of bringing others sadness. Ever!!! But what do you do when you are completely broken. You fix a little bit at a time. It’s not easy and sometimes you have to fix and refix again until after all that hard work you find yourself in a place of being shiny and new but more importantly and even better that the heart of what was broken still remains in tact, untarnished and as girlishly sweet and purely beautiful as it has always been. More than anything that makes me happy.

Because to have ended up cynical and bitter would mean that I had lost myself. The very essence of who I am. The magic, the dreams, the love. Its everything I am and it’s that simple.

And those judging eyes are no longer able to penetrate that because this heart knows that they came from their own unwillingness to look at it in themselves.
To feel better than someone else is to not dare to look at yourself. I’ve definitely looked at myself. Its not all Disney and I’m definitely not perfect but there is more I like than not. Which feels a pretty amazing thing to say and even more so to believe.
So January in all its tiny and insignificant details has felt like a most wonderful and beautiful world to live in. And I’m totally ready for some more hibernation in February… although I do have a fun party to go to in a converted old cinema and three days away with my boys by the seaside. Now that’s gonna be an interesting residential.
I thought this morning after a friends message that says very little but always means a lot that I am like a bacon butty. It’s simple and unfancy, it doesn’t pretend to be what it’s not, it has a lot of sauce, can bring enormous pleasure and at its best will make anyone feel better and happier especially after a hangover.

And so although this month I have said a lot … That’s my January!

 

When Cynical Logic and Dreamy Love Collide

This thought has been sitting with me for a couple of weeks and then found its way out into something yesterday. A couple of weeks ago someone liked one of my posts and my instant reaction was of course to look at theirs.
And the world of dreamy love and cynical logic collided and made me smile so much.
There was something so wonderful for me in reading about the scientific and data driven formula of gaining likes. Namely systematically liking everyones blog without reading a word. It made me smile so much that I felt the need to leave a comment. I felt really happy to be one of the many that was boosting their dream of a million likes. Easy way to make someone happy. One click and my work was done. And my reward was his comment back saying of all the data he had collected so far, mine, left with a message, was his favourite to date. He hadn’t read my blog but he had read my comment to him which in short was that I was wishing him to be the most liked ever!!! I loved that our worlds had collided.
I guess dreamy love and cynical logic were both smiling.
And these thoughts found their way back into my world yesterday when for me it was all about logical thinking. Dreams on the back burner as I had to sift through the cold hard facts of financial organisation, trying to juggle the last little funds at my disposal to see my way to a returned 6 months deposit which will soften my world in the interim, and a car that I had forgotten required an MOT that day and in a hurry had to book in last minute, 15 minutes before the garage closed. Good job I have such an understanding boss who let me leave early today to pick it up. In all my dreaminess I very often forget the tasks and necessities of real life that require organisation and planning. Something that doesn’t really come naturally to me and which is often evident in a big pile of unopened letters which at some point I get to.
Admin is not my gift for sure but I usually muddle my way through it. Even eating can get forgotten, preferring ready meals, takeaways and sandwiches as a quick non time stealer from other pleasures.
I always love when people spend 15 minutes talking me through a beautiful quick and easy recipe which I enjoy in the same way as cooking programmes. Seeing another persons passion in such things and their joy in sharing which is so appreciated but knowing that although i will absolutely remember their happy satisfaction in helping me, I will completely forget what any of the ingredients were.
I often wonder what It might be like if I had more of a logical mind that considered the importance of things that would probably make my life more organised and less chaotic and give some structure, purpose, direction and clarity in decisions.. And a good hearty meal at the end of a day.
I’ve tried it, a little, but it left me feeling a bit bored, tired and frustrated. I can’t hang about for the details when there are so many more exciting things on the horizon or knocking about in my head. Even someone at work mentioned pensions today. I think they are bringing in something new and asked if I wanted to be on the poster with a colleague for why you might want to change to the new version. I never laughed so much at the thought of being the poster girl for logical and considered decisions in financial matters. Hilarious, considering my current financial situation and the fact that I have a load of pensions from places I’ve worked which will feel like a magical surprise in years to come when I see how much or little I have (if I can remember what they are). Makes me chuckle just thinking about it.
I reached the end of yesterday feeling exhausted by logic Althougb I had taken some refuge in dreany with a very brief detour to Cambridge on a whim with absolutely no purpose. Loved that!
As I travelled back on the tube from the MOT garage I suddenly received a comment from someone who had also read my comment and said it made her laugh. When I immediately read her blog I found myself mesmerised, fascinated and educated in the thoughts of a Muslim woman sharing her world and beliefs in a way that resonated with me on so many levels. Her ideas of beauty, simplicity and empowerment made me feel very connected and proud to be a fellow woman in the diversity of this very beautiful and magical world. And suddenly I was totally back in dreamy wonder where I belong.

With a final offering from a friend this morning who had lived a version of a dream he had described once, which I could totally picture at the time, remained in my memory and made smile so much in its fruition.

I’m not sure this post is meant to go anywhere other than random thoughts. Sometimes it’s quite nice to just put them somewhere to make room for the next. But in amongst all of the details there was something very special in the connection between Cynical Logic and Dreamy Love which has taken me on another magical mystery tour in my head in what was probably on the surface a very non descript day. Or maybe I’m just able to find the dreamy behind the logic.