Every day holds something else if I push myself. I am trying.
Trying so hard. And I feel proud of myself a lot in that because these things don’t come naturally to me in the way they might to others.
It’s hard to lose the things that make me, Me.
And I don’t want to because all those things put together make me find magic in everything. But I am also often reminded in moments, of the loneliness I can feel in that. Will I ever not feel that? It’s so very hard.
My morning began with me telling a young girl that she filled my heart with joy. I walked behind as she patiently took her time helping an old boy down the stairs at Bank tube station. It was the sweetest thing to observe. Everyone was rushing round them and I was content in walking slowly behind watching this interaction. At first I wondered if it was her grandad. There was a huge amount of care there. Then I realised he was a stranger. Perhaps there were thoughts of her own grandad. She looked round and we smiled at each other. When they reached the bottom of the stairs she walked slowly along with him and asked where he was going. He was off to see his girlfriend. She escorted him to his platform and said goodbye.
She smiled so much when I said to her. She knew she had been good but it’s always nice for someone to notice it too.
She touched his life but also mine. I felt my heart sing at her kindness and care.
With so much swirling around right now I needed a moment like that.
Onward to the day I had planned that meant I could not be with those I cared about. But I also needed a break. And next week too. I have reached a limit and need to find some joy and happiness of my own. It can all be so very draining and it’s those moments when I need to feel love myself. I am only a human too and there is such a pressure to be strength, sunshine and love, which I have by the bucket load but is not completely limitless. Sometimes my blog feels like the only place I’m really able to really share that.
So to the Arts place I went, coming up the Angel escalators with my familiar thought whenever I’m here that it is the longest escalator in London. I don’t know if that is true but it always will be for me. Whatever anyone else ever says.
What do you do when you are disconnecting from a group you love, thinking about not fitting and struggling to make sense of a million different puzzle pieces.
You go and feel uncomfortable in a room with a big group of random strangers in an arty farty place where they don’t have pg tips (camomile, green tea, earl grey) and do some art workshops. I found myself chuckling underneath in my discomfort of what was not feeling very “real”.
I’m a dreamer but that can clash also with my “keep it real” “down to Earth” roots.
But discomfort is where I am putting myself at the moment. Because there are definite fits if I can see beyond the barriers of misfit.
As I looked round the room there seemed such a familiarity in the way they all conversed with each other. A way I don’t know how to do. I just don’t talk that way.
It’s so strange. I went to a pie shop the other day. My friend talked as though that was my fit. Familiar totally. It’s how I grew up. I know it, recognise it, understand it, feel comfortable in it but I don’t quite fit in that neither. In fact the truth be known I don’t especially love pie and mash that much. I mean it’s my girls favourite but I’d probably prefer Chicken Tikka and some naan bread. So where exactly do I fit other than in my own world where I’m just me and I don’t have to adjust.
But in true pushing myself style I stayed just as me. I wasn’t exactly bonding but I’m always friendly and interested so that always sees me so far. I was trying but as I often see the same types naturally come together and bond and I ate the cakes.
But then it started. With a little dancing where everyone looked completely uncomfortable and I was totally in my element. Twirling and feeling that bassline like I chose the track myself. Now you’re talking on a Saturday morning. I made myself a sunset name badge of reds oranges and yellows and like party games when the music stopped find a person to talk to. The badge drew those punters in. I mean it was something to behold even though I forgot to write my name on it. Each time a person found me they said I picked you because you looked happy dancing and I liked your badge.
What’s your name???? I’m writing a lot I know. Bear with me. These are my puzzle pieces and in some way they fit together and writing helps me to make sense of them.
So after a quick cuppa, (a very sweet lady found me a normal teabag 😊) it was on to painting. If mindfulness is an art then I’m Picasso because I went through the mindful scenario several times in one day… Let ya into a secret. Didn’t feel mindful once despite the wonderful words of encouragement from each tutor. I had one eye open scanning all the puppets in the corner thinking, I’ve always wanted to be a ventriloquist. “Bottle of gear”
and then having been less than mindful I now had to paint the tree I had imagined myself to be in that moment. But I didn’t want to be a tree. I wanted to be a raging sea with waves crashing against my sunset. So that’s what I did. They asked if I was rebellious. Not at all I said. I just quietly like doing my own thing. It’s completely different. And I felt happy in that. It made more sense to me and I loved what I painted. It was no masterpiece but it was exactly how I’m feeling.
And so to lunch. Where to sit, who with.. can I walk home through the woods. But I made some efforts. I can make a certain amount of small talk even if I slightly drift off.
But the afternoon was where it was at for me. Writing and performing. I proper loved it. What I wrote was exactly what my heart feels right now but could only be shared with strangers. And then I made them laugh with my other offerings. I’m two sides of the same coin and showing them both in all their colour felt pretty wonderful actually.
With make your own blue peter type presents for the person next to you I came home with a goody bag of heart shaped glasses with a fairy on, just after it had ended with holding hands and dancing. Or as my family would probably describe it, lots of happy clappy types with nothing better to do. But I liked it. I felt like I was 8 years old at an all day party. I came away with big little girl smiles which were caught randomly in the street by Miss Geist and her boyfriend. She said I looked like sunshine walking down the street. I felt like sunshine.
So what did I learn in any of that. I have no clue. I had fun, I did what I wanted, I cared less because I was only there for 1 day so was never going to see anyone again. I made it what I wanted it to be.
I gave myself what I needed. And I felt like I deserved that. A little more of that might be nice.
Sometimes life is such a plan whereas I don’t have one. In the moment and as I’m feeling it is what would be lovely. I realise you have to make plans well in advance to end up not alone. I wish life could be more spontaneous. That you could just say that morning, that night, that moment..”want to do something”. It doesn’t work that way so home I came feeling happy for the nice time and ready for the alone bit which I can fill with all sorts but of course in my dreams would be nice to fill with love.
But in the meantime a Margarita pizza and a glass of wine for 1… x
When I was a kid I spent most of my time on my own. In my own imaginary world and it was full of make belief. When I went to school I walked home for lunch every day. Pretty much by the time I walked home it was almost time to go back. Just time to eat my sandwich. I came home because I always felt awkward at lunchtime. In lessons I was ok. I was clever and could do the work. Teachers liked me because I just flew under the radar and was no trouble and also I was very polite and kind.
But at lunchtime in the moments of group activity, the picking of teams and chatting I felt like I didn’t fit. And I hated that feeling so much. I was happier spending a lunchtime walking by myself through the woods taking me back home if just for a moment.
I had one proper friend. JH. Complete tomboy, played football with the boys, also a bit of a misfit. She became my friend. I camped in her back garden with midnight feasts and played with her baby rabbits. I loved going round her house. I pretended that I lived there. She never came to mine. It was very rare for anyone to come to ours and I never had a party. But I did get invited to a few.
Even though my friend did not. I remember once that she had a moment where everyone suddenly loved her one day. I came walking back into school and they were playing bulldog. And everyone wanted to be in her team and she didn’t talk to me. It only lasted for that day I don’t remember the reason why but I do remember in that moment I was so jealous which was not a feeling I had really.
It was like they all had each other, all part of the In gang but that wasn’t enough for them. They had to have my one friend too. Funny the things we remember.
We were friends till the end of little school. We went to different secondary schools. We said we would stay friends forever but we drifted apart. But years later when I was in my twenties she got in touch with me. Her parents had just split up and she was so upset. And she said to me she knew how I must have felt when I was a kid and she loved having me as her best friend. She said it was like we were twins. She said she always felt different. She realised at secondary school that she was gay. She wished I had been in her school then too.
We spoke a couple of times after and then we drifted back to our own lives again but I think of her often.
I listened to her mainly when she rang. She was feeling a lot and even after all that time I still felt connected to her. But I never told her that she saved me from extreme loneliness and how much I loved having her as a friend. That I thought of her like my twin. And that in our little sleeping bags in our tiny tent in her garden at night I never felt so safe. ❤️
I thought this morning that I would love to be sitting in a beach hut next to the sea just thinking and writing. I have so much swirling around and building up into a tsunami that feels like it is about to sweep across and completely change the shape of my landscape.
And I’m trying to catch a wave and ride it but I can’t quite jump on it because there are waves crashing into each other as though part of the same force of movement that is grabbing hold of me right now.
It feels like a giant puzzle that I am trying to fit together fast but is so big that Im trying to fit it together without knowing what the picture is. And it feels so powerful that I want to freeze life for a moment so I can concentrate on it. I’m struggling to concentrate in anything else in fact. Going through the motions of lots of stuff with my brain ticking away like the enigma decoding all the messages that mean something but I can’t quite unlock yet. But when I do it feels like there is something more that I can’t quite grab hold of yet.
Yesterday I felt one of those waves. And that wave felt like it was disconnecting me from a group that I love. Not individuals, a group.
I have struggled with this for weeks because of an upcoming reunion that I don’t know if I want to go to.
It feels complicated and tangled in my mind. There is a lot of stuff thrown in the mix and I’m not sure I’ll know whether I want to go until I get to it. Plus I’ll be travelling back from Nice that morning and I’ll be on no sleep and having to travel elsewhere out of London. So Not sure if it’s practical anyways which in some ways feels helpful because it might make the choice for me.
But I’m torn between missing out on seeing people I really love and wanting to preserve what that group and time represented for me and the disappointment in it being lesser than what I have captured in my memory.
On the last day I felt so sad. Really sad. Because I knew I would feel like this. I know how I’m made and this feeling was inevitable. It’s why I felt that last day so much.
I went to F’ys leaving do about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Working there was such a magical time for me. I had so much fun. The 2 friends I made there have ended up being my closest. But I felt so removed from what surrounded it. People happy to see me and chat to me and find out where I’m at, but I felt very disconnected from it. I can’t describe it but I know what I mean.
It’s all about Near or Far. There isn’t much in between for me. The inbetween is more of a show. It is a dance I do with strangers every day. Like the friendliest person in the world. I can connect to a plank of wood on some level but slide off it.
Closeness, real connection is where it all happens for me. Without it I’m going through the motions. It’s easy, safe and incredibly common. Perfect for fun nights out when I can escape the small talk and just get lost in music and dancing but I want and need more. It satisfies a need to have fun, chat, be with others but beyond that it leaves a wide gaping hole. The hole of substance.
In that room I was looking for it. And I found it especially in the ones who were willing to give up a little more. And that was pure magic. It made me dizzy with excitement in seeing beyond the niceties of life and finding something more. Beyond the insipid chat that I generally zone out of. What’s in your heart. That’s what I want to see and know. What really makes you tick. Who are you beyond what works nicely in the confines of living in this mechanical world. If you show me your child I’m getting a little closer and I’m hooked. And like a dog with a bone. Holding on to it with all my strength to see a little more. Let me see it because it’s the part that is exciting and will set my world on fire and light it up.
There’s the adventure. Maybe what I find might scare me but I don’t really want to live a life of comfortable. I like being on my toes because I’m awake. Who wants to sleep through life? I want to see it all.
So why having found it in that room within that group am I so reluctant to reengage in it.
Because I know it won’t exist. It will now be another version which will look like the rest. And I don’t want to be left with that feeling. Like seeing a corpse of someone you loved once and now it’s just an empty shell of what magic once lived there.
It was always beyond an experience or making new and interesting friends for me. In that moment it was like a crazy, colourful, unique and dysfunctional family that I loved. I proper loved them.Every time I saw them stripped back a little more it made me love them more. You have to have a good eye to see what sits beyond what’s being put out. I have a two good eyes and I saw a lot. And it was special. Beautiful.
And on that last day I knew it was gone. It would be replaced by a new updated version which looks beautiful but has lost all its character. And I loved its character. That was what made it so special for me in that moment.
And somewhere in that, in all my strange and different ways that often sit on the periphery of these things, I fitted without fitting . Fitted within the dysfunctional beauty of what that was. And I loved it. So much that I want to preserve it. Individuals I can evolve with, but the big group as a whole, I know I need to let it go.
How hard it feels to let go of something so wonderful. I properly loved that time with you all and together you were incredibly beautiful.
Thankyou my beautiful angels ❤️
Blimey!!! Talk about shake up your world.
Last night I slept in my dreamy penthouse, the place of relaxing candle lit bath times, quiet magical thoughts and dancing and tunes… always tunes.
Only last night I turned into my nan checking and double checking the door. Gate locked.. door bolted and double locked and light on outsides.. like I was Al Capone locking myself into Alcatraz.
It was my first night back having spent the weekend feeling safer elsewhere.
In the early hours of Saturday morning I was rudely awoken by men trying to break into my home. And not discreetly. Battering the shit out of my security gate. First of all I thought I was imagining it. In a daze I thought it was throwing out time at the pub next door. But then I realised that in fact it was my gate and the way they were going at it I didn’t get a sense that they would have a friendly convo and apologise for the disturbance if they made it in. They certainly didn’t care a less for my fear. And blind fear it was that froze me to the spot and took away all of my limited rationality from my mind. I just pulled the duvet over my head and with eyes wide open pretended it was not happening. In all the ways I could have reacted in that moment I chose freeze. I curled up like a small child and became invisible. When it all went quiet I laid there forever wondering whether they were in or not. Deep down I knew they weren’t but I lay there listening to every sound. Only one way in and one way out and nowhere to hide other than under my duvet. So there I stayed until finally I drifted off to sleep. The next day I went downstairs to check on the damage. One broken security gate but a door that I later found out could protect the Crown Jewels. My landlady’s obsession with security suddenly was very gratefully accepted.
It’s so strange how life takes you to these moments when other moments surrounding it leave you thinking about things beyond what happened.
Safety being the word.
When I went to work that morning I was never less present although I believe my clients each individually offered something to me in their chat. Of course all my rationality became complete visible in their needs and they all left pretty happily as though none the wiser in my half baked offering.
I on the other hand went home completely exhausted and sad and feeling all I wanted was to be cuddled.
I often get described as childlike as opposed to childish but never was that more evident than on Saturday when I just wanted to feel safe and protected.
I mentioned in my blog last week about feeling unsafe in a different way. In a close friendship where I thought someone was indifferent to hurting me. In that case I was ready to do my usual cut and run rather than face it. Turns out that fear was all in my head too, but It’s one thing being hugely aware and a whole different story changing it. I’m learning, slowly.
At this point I’ve just broken into a huge smile. Out of nowhere on the tube JH hitting me on the head with his paper. He’s not one of my closest, he’s L’s closest but I like him a lot. He always calls me Princess and we have a shared love of Stella Street and Father Ted and he can tell a story that goes on for about an hour, true to his Irish roots and pulled from the magical vaults of his memory and usually with some reference to his many years of loving The Arsenal. We have that in common too. As my bros would say.. it’s in your blood girl. He is the sort of fella that will make you smile on a rainy day. And he did, in that tiny moment just as he got off. Little things make me happy.
I am now picking this up again as I’m writing on my way home. I have that same phrase “Little things make me happy” ringing out to me. Following on from my brief encounter with JH my girl called me not long after and made me laugh with her description of her first driving lesson. The proper normal bloke who was teaching her to drive were her words. He has loads of patience she said. Really helpful and calm as she laughed and screamed her way through her lesson like a mini scene from Clueless. “I was so scared” she said. “Thank gawd he has control of the other pedals. I didn’t know how fast it went if you put your foot down on the accelerator”
Bloody hell. She’s gonna be sharing my car. Take your time. No rush to pass.
Words singing to me as my phone pinged to a beautiful message from a closee who had been brave with her thoughts and had gone for it. I put my arms in the air. I loved what this represented and never have I wished so hard inside. There are deservers and then there are DESERVERS.. she being the latter. Come on universe. Show me your best.
Wishing wishing wishing.
And then finally a surprisingly unexpected visit from someone who never ceases to surprise me. For some reason they make it impossible for me to follow my pattern of cut and run and I find myself trying to resolve. And I feel like I’m getting better at it. Perhaps because I can just be honest. And I like the feeling of not having to start all over again in favour of just start a new day.
I don’t want to hold this friend at arms length because they make me happy in a million ways and I couldn’t imagine life without them in it anymore. I felt it for a moment and I didn’t like it.
And that feeling of resolving not running is sitting with me right now, trying to build some deeper foundations but this feels like a change worth digging a little deeper and working a little harder for.
But even with all this, the past ten days has definitely dented my confidence. I could feel it when i first got on the tube tonight before I started writing. Not so anyone would notice but I knew. I could feel it. I just felt like less.
And yet there was so much around me today that inspired me to think. And I love to think. It’s what makes me tick. Like the tin man I really do have a brain and I like using it. It’s what brings me out of dreamy into real. Stimulated by more. And I don’t mean high brow books or museum facts. I mean more. I can sleep through so much and create a whole world in my head but to draw me out I need something to capture my mind beyond the price of milk. To really make it delve into the recesses of what I’ve learnt already and share it, challenge it or reshape it. And I was given that today.
Completely got lost somewhere else in that from thinking about
Feeling safe.. safe in my home, safe to care, safe to say what I think and safe to be just as I am, whatever that is.
I think this might be one of my most random posts but maybe that reflects just where I am right now. A little all over the place, a little unsettled, a little less confident but completely open to something?
The sun is shining so beautifully today. The perfect springtime weather which always fills me with bubbly happiness… well usually.
I was in the perfect place. Feeling light and dreamy and happy. Booking trips and spending times with friends.
It’s funny, I had thought about doing a blog about my closest friends. I have so much love and care for them.
My very closest friends I can count on one hand. I mean I have lots of different friends and acquaintances. I love seeing them for nights out and meet ups.
But I’ve always been very discerning with close friends. I have known them a long time and I trust them. A word that is so important in my world and always will be. I’m pretty trusting and open with many but only showing the whole version to a few. And I trust them because I know they have my back, they care about me and they won’t hurt me.
And they never ever let me down. Ever!!! I feel completely safe with them. And I love them right back.
Only recently in the last couple of years did I add to that handful with a couple of new people One of them I knew immediately I would be safe with. She has qualities that I look for in a friend. Intelligent, funny, cool, creative, sensitive, fearless, kind and completely bloody genuine. And absolutely I feel totally easy to be me with her. Feel really lucky to have met her because she is not just fair weather. She will ride along with you in sunshine but also in what ever storms or rain might swirl around.
But as calm sunny days have always been more my norm I don’t need to worry about it.. I just know that when a moment comes I can rely on her and that of course is totally reciprocated.
See you in Marrakesh.
The other one was always more of a risk. Don’t get me wrong, the perfect friend for most people, it’s why she has so many,, loved by all, but not necessarily a match for me. And unlike me to take risks in close friendship. I think she was quieter and more gentle when I first met her and It always felt like she had been thrown to me by the universe. But then I saw that she was a collector of friends and I usually hold those types at arms length. But this one proved herself. Time and time again in amazing ways. She was something else. Often I flinched or i was rocked by her very different way. And I would question my trust in her. There is a reason I have a particular type of close friend. I know where I am with them. But despite being stung several times I persevered. Perhaps I was trying to prove to myself that I should be more trusting of others and this friend allowed me to test that. And test and test I did and each time she met the challenge until I reached a point of completely trusting her. Letting all my guards down and being completely open with her. It felt pretty amazing. I mean she infuriated me and made me crazy with her strange ways that I just didn’t understand and sometimes she hurt me but I always told myself that it was just the way she was and that she didn’t do it intentionally. I’m a very sensitive soul and I try to make allowances for my strange ways.
But just when I was feeling so easy in it, completely out of nowhere and with zero care she just threw a line at me which completely obliterated all the trust that had been built. In that moment I was left feeling completely stupid. Like the biggest sappy idiot. Or as we say where I come from “mugged off”
Having left myself open with no protections all of my “happy drifting” was wiped out in their complete indifference.
I felt shocked at first, what? , then I felt furious.. completely out of character I gave it to her all guns blazing.. I can’t remember ever delivering such a tirade, not even to P.
Yesterday I felt completely squashed. Small, insignificant, weak and totally naively stupid. It made me cry at how stupid I was.
And today in the beautiful sunshine I just felt very sad.
As much as I try not to care it is obviously too late. I let them in.
And I’m not just squashed because of what was said but how and when it was delivered and what lay behind that. And that now impacts on future friendships that feel less likely to happen as I won’t be taking that risk again. Silly dreamy magic girl.
There is a strange thing in counselling which Is like a get out of jail free card. It says that no one can make you feel a certain way only you allow it.
That theory has probably served me quite well at times. I’m only being me. Until I remember that I still have to be responsible for my actions and how they might affect another person. Because that’s just being a decent and kind human. But that theory provides a lot of license to be exactly as you like and say I can’t be responsible for your response.
I was responsible for my tirade. It came from hurt but it doesn’t excuse my choice of words.
Valuing myself .. yes I do but I’m not sure I can without thinking of others. That feels pretty selfish. And I have no wish to be that. I hold no value in selfishness.
And when I think of it the other way round.. why would I ever care or love another person if they can treat me exactly as they please and when it upsets me, I am responsible? Responsible for what.. being open loving and caring?
I have to say that on the back of feeling so sad when the sun was shining and thinking that said friend will probably be partying it up somewhere, it makes me want to live a life with indifference. Nothing will ever hurt me then and I will be totally safe.
But In knowing someone who has been the ultimate person of indifference through the whole of my life, and having worked hard to finally accept that there was no point in wasting my love on someone with zero capability of loving anyone else more than himself, it allowed me to leave him in my past. And I sure as hell don’t want to be like him.
There is a reason I was given a bigger heart.
Indifference may provide a vehicle to move along in life without a care in the world but Im pretty sure there has to be some price to it? Even if it is not easily evident.
The price of Love .. well I’m certainly paying for that right now but eventually I will move along and with a lot more care.
A homeless invisible who is someone if you can see him, The lady who is embracing alone to try to find an answer for together, A space girl who carries the world and is crushed under its weight, A courageous heroine who fought her way to better and sees her strength, An army of trepidation building bravery for her rise, A power who climbed a mountain but doesn’t realise she is a mountaineer, The lions pride in feeling something more and confused at what it might be, A light that is truly illuminating but can’t see their way, A girl filled with enough for the world and who only needs a drop…
I think this may be the longest gap I’ve had in writing something for my blog. Something about finishing made me start living again and I have had little opportunity to sit and write even though it is something that I really love now. So as I sit in bed I just thought I would say just what’s in my head.
Having fun and being happy has been the number one thing on my mind.
I have felt so light and dreamy.
It’s like I had been in the longest never ending battle being pushed and pulled and finally I made it to the other side.
And I’m drifting. And I like drifting. I had almost forgotten how wonderful that is. While everyone else seems to need a plan, something new and motivation for more, I am carelessly happy drifting in the breeze and landing in mini adventures. So mini that no one would even think them an adventure. I’m just rolling along without any intentions. Just being with my friends laughing and being quietly happy around everyone. And I mean everyone. They are all smiling at me everywhere.. On the tube, walking down the street, In the supermarket, walking round my building, in my therapy, and just sitting chuckling with Batman. It has felt like magic. Dreaming up a list of frivolous and crazy nothing I might want to do with all the extra energy and time I have. Well not that much extra time but bundles of energy. It feels like I can magic up anything out of nowhere. Who needs a magic set. I close my eyes, Dream it up and piff puff poof there’s chocolate cake right in front of me 😊 Pure magic.. but i suppose to anyone looking in it might just look like normal life. But there’s excitement for me in just climbing a little ladder to somewhere I haven’t been before.
I have felt so easy breezy that I haven’t given a second thought to what the future might hold. I just want to be free for a while. And just do as I please, on a whim, thinking up crazy ideas when I’m drunk and then making them happen. I have a spring in my step .. which for a moment became heavy when I forgot about a friend. Someone very important to me, who I assumed was feeling the same way.
When I realised that they weren’t I was so mad at myself for not noticing. I mean I finally got me my own cloud which obviously is rainbow coloured, has a bar, great tunes and room to carry all the best and most magical people I know but I ain’t leaving my cloud rider behind… no way! Not after all this.. if your cloud is under repair then I’m sweeping you up onto mine for a bit. It’s a crazy chilled out party right now but as long as you don’t mind the noise you can sleep through it. And then jump back on yours when you’re ready.
I mean you may resist. Go ahead. But back in my world where I’m not battling, you would just be wasting your time. My cloud will just keep on passing overhead and you won’t be able to resist the tunes that are playing. There’s the pull. And you can jump on and off my cloud whenever you want but I will never push you. Thats not my style. I don’t work that way. Straight forward happy is where I’m at and floating along with me is having not a care in the world. Just be as you want.
Cause there are no requirements on my cloud. Just come as you are, no need to bring a thing and I will try and show you what freedom plus easy breezy happy fun looks like.
Maybe my new rainbow cloud might show you a new thing or two 😊