WHO!

A homeless invisible who is someone if you can see him, The lady who is embracing alone to try to find an answer for together, A space girl who carries the world and is crushed under its weight, A courageous heroine who fought her way to better and sees her strength, An army of trepidation building bravery for her rise, A power who climbed a mountain but doesn’t realise she is a mountaineer, The lions pride in feeling something more and confused at what it might be, A light that is truly illuminating but can’t see their way, A girl filled with enough for the world and who only needs a drop…

 

The Rainbow Cloud

I think this may be the longest gap I’ve had in writing something for my blog. Something about finishing made me start living again and I have had little opportunity to sit and write even though it is something that I really love now. So as I sit in bed I just thought I would say just what’s in my head.
Having fun and being happy has been the number one thing on my mind.
I have felt so light and dreamy.

It’s like I had been in the longest never ending battle being pushed and pulled and finally I made it to the other side.

And I’m drifting. And I like drifting. I had almost forgotten how wonderful that is. While everyone else seems to need a plan, something new and motivation for more, I am carelessly happy drifting in the breeze and landing in mini adventures. So mini that no one would even think them an adventure. I’m just rolling along without any intentions. Just being with my friends laughing and being quietly happy around everyone. And I mean everyone. They are all smiling at me everywhere.. On the tube, walking down the street, In the supermarket, walking round my building, in my therapy, and just sitting chuckling with Batman. It has felt like magic. Dreaming up a list of frivolous and crazy nothing I might want to do with all the extra energy and time I have. Well not that much extra time but bundles of energy. It feels like I can magic up anything out of nowhere. Who needs a magic set. I close my eyes, Dream it up and piff puff poof there’s chocolate cake right in front of me 😊 Pure magic..  but i suppose to anyone looking in it might just look like normal life. But there’s excitement for me  in just climbing a little ladder to somewhere I haven’t been before.

I have felt so easy breezy that I haven’t given a second thought to what the future might hold. I just want to be free for a while. And just do as I please, on a whim, thinking up crazy ideas when I’m drunk and then making them happen. I have a spring in my step .. which for a moment became heavy when I forgot about a friend.  Someone very important to me, who I assumed was feeling the same way.
When I realised that they weren’t I was so mad at myself for not noticing. I mean I finally got me my own cloud which obviously is rainbow coloured, has a bar, great tunes and room to carry all the best and most magical people I know but I ain’t leaving my cloud rider behind… no way! Not after all this.. if your cloud is under repair then I’m sweeping you up onto mine for a bit. It’s a crazy chilled out party right now but as long as you don’t mind the noise you can sleep through it. And then jump back on yours when you’re ready.
I mean you may resist. Go ahead. But back in my world where I’m not battling, you would just be wasting your time. My cloud will just keep on passing overhead and you won’t be able to resist the tunes that are playing. There’s the pull. And you can jump on and off my cloud whenever you want but I will never push you. Thats not my style. I don’t work that way. Straight forward happy is where I’m at and floating along with me is having not a care in the world. Just be as you want.
Cause there are no requirements on my cloud. Just come as you are, no need to bring a thing and I will try and show you what freedom plus easy breezy happy fun looks like.
Maybe my new rainbow cloud might show you a new thing or two 😊

 

I’m totally worth it!

This is the final chapter in this particular story. I think realising that happy fun times is what I’m all about, finally gave the universe everything it required from me to give me the piece of paper that I wanted but didn’t need. It’s not sunk in yet and I’m struggling to share it with pretty much all of the people I was in it with, but having shared it with my very nearest and dearest, the feeling of proudness and love that I have had from my closest friends and the people who helped me the most when I really needed it, has felt overwhelming.
I love my girl, my mum, my little bro and my close friends unashamedly and unconditionally.

I did everything required of me and more to get to this point of having a million options and possibilities.
In finishing this thing and passing it, it has washed away every doubt I’ve ever had in believing in myself.
It doesn’t matter if anyone else sees me.
I see me. I know what I’m made of and what I believe in. I also know the sort of people who make the difference to my world. My circle may have decreased but it has grown in value and those different characters, some of whom are so different to me and on paper probably don’t fit with me or my world, But who absolutely fit with me and my world. They are part of it, part of me and they always will be.
And I love them ❤️

I’ve never tried or worked so hard for something in my whole life. I gave everything of myself to it… everything. And when I thought that I had nothing else left I found some more, and some more and just even a great big bit more. Never have I had to dig so deep, physically, mentally and emotionally with all the chaos and upset that surrounded it. At times feeling completely exhausted by the workload and lack of time, so alone and isolated in the darkness of what I had to revisit and completely emotional in all my confusion, tiredness and care.
I remember once in my tutorial, when I had hit the wall in what I felt I could put myself through, my tutor just held my hand. For 30 minutes while we talked. I had felt so isolated in everyone’s pain whilst trying to carry my own. I just couldn’t bear any more. He hugged me before I left. And it was all I needed in my aloneness which was magnified by being surrounded by everyone else’s togetherness. No one really saw exactly what that looked like for me. To do it when I was loved by someone would have felt difficult. To do it when someone had loved me for half my life, the best half, and didn’t anymore when I tried to be more, well that nearly broke me.
I never knew what it was like to feel like my heart had been crushed.
It has taken me a long time to mend.
But one person gave me so much. What they probably needed just for themselves. They helped me. They will never understand how much that stopped me falling off the track many times. Or even when I fell, showing the absolute worst and dregs of who I am, never giving up on me. For why I will never really know. But You, And I know you will know who you are, are truly loved by me. In every way possible. And more than you know! Thankyou!!!

When I finally received that email confirming that it was over and I had passed I just stopped working. For a moment. And I breathed. One of the best breaths I’ve ever taken and one of my best sessions I’ve had following that breath. I’m good at this. I can say that. Not because I’m a master of theory but because people trust me and I try my best to be everything they need and I really and truly care and they know it. I cared about the piece of paper because it opens more possibilities in what I might do. This is my opportunity. I think I can do something really worthwhile with this.
Yes I am frivolous fun and that makes my world go round. That flighty, spontaneous, dreamy, whimsical. Adventurous, curious, fun, and loving girl is the best of who I am and it also has a place in something useful and that might make little tiny differences to someone else’s world that is shadowed by dark clouds. Together we can find a gap for the sunshine to push through. It’s possible.. always! And I always said .. it’s lovely being happy but it’s so much nicer when people around you feel happy too.
There are a million ways to try and do that. This is just one.. no doubt while I’m exploring I will find more.
For all those that laughed at me, doubted me or put me down as though I was selfish, silly, fluffy, stupid, emotional and unreal.
You hurt me, very very much, when I was feeling at my most vulnerable and in need of love. You made me question who I was and if I was any good. But It doesn’t matter now. Your thoughts don’t hurt me anymore.
I have no doubt that there will always be people much more skilled and clever than me, that will read the books and have the knowledge and will know it all.. but if you want someone who gives a shit, who is gentle and warm and will love and care about you whoever, however you are and will work her arse off to see everything about you, good and bad and think it is all wonderful, then I’m totally your girl.
Because that is what makes the GITRC unique and makes her heart beat ❤️
And for one lucky someone, out there in this universe, who is able to see the value of that, and the value of me, I will be the person that will make your world light up beyond your imagination.
And all I will ever need in return is to be loved right back and be given the space and the freedom to just to be me.
Because I’m totally worth it 😊

The End!!!!

 

 

 

 

A wonderful adventure of frivolous

From a midnight ramble on Saturday night I have spent the past five days writing about what makes me smile, what makes me have fun and what makes me laugh and I mean laugh through the spectrums of inwardly laughing, outwardly smiling, giggling, and laughing to the point of uncontrollable, can’t stop myself till I can’t talk and I’m crying.
And I couldn’t stop writing. There was so much.. well everything actually. I never had so much to say about one topic.
I spent two years listening to talk of what laughter might be a cover for. And I never quite got it. Yes I smile sometimes even in sadness but in the gaps in between. When I’m sad I totally feel it and perhaps I keep it close to me only sharing with a few that I trust or in my blog but why wouldn’t I still catch the moments of happy around that. I always feel more happy than I ever do sad. The smiles and laughs have always been beyond a cover. They are about enjoying this one precious life in the way it deserves, wherever I can. What’s the point of spending a life with a long face.
I want to be the girl who makes moments memorable, happy and fun… well just rather lovely actually.
Life is full of knocks for everyone. Some have it harder than others and those smiles are harder to come by. So when they are not, and I very often think just how lucky I am, it would seem wrong not to embrace them and display them. How lucky life feels when you have things to smile and laugh about. After all laughter is the food of love.. the only food I have any real knowledge of.
I spent Tuesday evening writing about one of the funniest days of my life.
Which took place in a dingy bar in a back street of San Francisco where this New Zealand dude sitting next to me at the bar said five words to me that sparked a comedy day to beat all others.
Those words “she looks like the queen”
I won’t tell the story but in him saying what I was thinking, I moved into action, bringing a room full of characters to life, characters that felt beyond reality and created a moment of epic crazy fun that still makes me laugh twenty years later. Talk about random spontaneous party day/night to remember.
After I read it out I was described as bouncy.. with a childlike enthusiasm… and of course I bounced all the way home and in the days that followed. Just as I did that night in San Fran when I was bouncing all over the place like a ping pong ball, on the tram as it went up and down the hills on my drunken way home. I was crying with laughter that night.
And many others as I trawled through all the fun times that popped into my head. Yes.. in the right environment I am a space hopper. Very often in fact. Full of fun and silliness and laughter. And I love to be that. Why wouldn’t I. It sings out “it’s a wonderful life” where there is joy and fun to be had.
And I found myself thinking about laughter and love and how the two are so entwined. It’s impossible to have love without it. Laughter is the endurance.
When the early romance and butterflies, sweet nothings and picture perfect image moves on with time the laughter is what kicks in and makes love blossom into something more. It says that in finding funny amongst the difficult and the sad we have the power to make this life happy and that has always worked for me although I realised that you both need to have that. You can’t fix another or make them happy. They have to find it in themselves.
I found myself thinking about all the udder people who make me laugh and how. Playful, silly, saucy, bizarre, dry, one liners, clever wit, slapstick, farcical and overuse. Wow I could write for months on this. It’s like being given a gift every time they do something that makes me laugh. Like they are giving a little part of who they are and that tells me so much. And often it is when they don’t even realise they are being funny. They are just being them. And that feels like magic. Just being them can make me smile or laugh. Not a joke or a carefully thought out funny story but just in those little ways that feel so alien to me but are what makes them different and special. Sometimes it comes in a little off the cuff remark “you were my dinner monitor” and it leaves me chuckling all the way up the escalators at their pure sweetness and wonderfulness.
I thought I had a revelation that I make myself laugh. And I really do. Even though I’m not funny as my girl often tells me. I don’t know any jokes, I don’t have clever come backs or a fast wit that delights the crowd. But I do make myself laugh and this is no revelation. This is just a statement of fact. Creating my own comedy sketches in my head wherever I am, whatever I’m doing. I mean I could write a Stella street type story about my 3 years at college. Random personalities in a room creating moments of chaos and mayhem that left me laughing to myself all the way home some weeks. Behind the deep and the trivial was a comedy special filled with the warmest and loveliest of characters. Love to imagine what that street would look like and who might be running Mick and Keith’s corner shop.
Maybe I might write it at some point just for myself.
And at work where I’m surrounded by my superheroes. The naughty little boys who show themselves regularly with their pranks and cheeky remarks. Half the time it’s like we are in the school playground like a giggling bunch of little urchins.
As I wander about doing my thing I always notice the details, the beauty the simple wonder of what’s around me but I also notice the comedy.
I think people might be funniest when they don’t realise they are. Angry people are becoming a fav of mine. I just imagine their heads like cartoons getting bigger and bigger before they explode.
Or when people are moaning about something. That’s pretty comedy gold. What seems so serious is usually something so trivial and pointless that it’s hard to keep a straight face. But I always do. Else you’ll end up facing the exploding cartoon head.
More and more I find it hard to take anything seriously other than when I’m in someone else’s dark. The rest of the time it all feels quite frivolous. Even thinking about getting my result is feeling more and more comical. Nearly four years of blood sweat tearsand I might end up with nothing. There’s something pretty ironically hilarious about that. But what am I gonna do. Sit down and cry. No way. My life’s more than that. I have many more space hopper moments in me cause I know how to make them happen. So although I would really like to get that bit of paper I also know that I’ll manage without it.
After the disappointment dissipates.
Anyways this ramble has no purpose other than to capture my love of all things fun and happy. And to celebrate why I love to laugh. In fact when I sit within others dark it makes me want to enjoy the light even more. To be care free and laugh my little head off till I feel dizzy with excitement.
And I don’t need to search for that. I find it every day, everywhere I go, whether I’m on my own or with others.
And that thought that I am an expert in happy is helping me to worry a little less about, well everything. Perhaps right now is a bus stop to my real purpose. I can’t help feeling that I haven’t quite reached my destination of “this is it” yet… it’s not really my dream. I’m still not quite certain what that is. Maybe I never will. I quite like exploring.
And while I do that I will carry on laughing. Fun and happy is always a good plan in my world and I guess if that makes my life sound frivolous, well how wonderful. Im totally passing something at least 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

 

 

The Sweetness of Life

Whenever a lightning bolt sparks up the sky I am left with a thought, and then a ramble which then grows like ivy in my mind from what happens around me, within me and those coincidental events of life.
This time sweets.
The spark took me to thinking about when I was a kid and I went to places where there were loads of other kids. In this case a holiday caravan park.
And at the early kids disco they would give out sweets. And all the kids would run to grab as many as they could. All pushing each other out the way as the young kid holding a bucket of them would throw them out like chunks of meat to hungry lion cubs.
There were no rules to this. A lesson in human nature at its simplest. Survival of the fittest.
These moments always feel vivid to me in my mind. It’s amazing how much I remember from pre 5 years old. Maybe I really do have a photographic memory which is wired to block out logic… otherwise I guess I might be a genius with crazy hair.. well I have the crazy hair 😊 but I’m no genius. At least not in this world.
Im meandering through this because this is something I love to do these days. Either run and spin like I’m a human whirlwind of energy or float as though living in the clouds dreamily, taking in the tiny details and imagining how it all looks in a completely different way. And I’m at my happiest as both. And when they come together In those rare and most beautiful of moments… well it feels pretty spectacular.
And often it’s dependent on what the sun and the sky look like that day and who rocks into my world.
So dancing back to that disco. I would be at the back of the crowd waiting patiently, quietly, politely for my turn. My mum would always say “You’re better than that. Don’t be grabbing. Wait your turn nicely and have good manners”.
My mum to me without any of the fancy stuff had a real class about her just in her way of being. Whilst other mums at my school would be parading their big new cars and fancy new coats my mum would have walked there in her second hand number donated by someone who loved her. There was nothing not to love.
I’m trying to describe what I mean. She just didn’t need it. Even without it she just had it. She wasn’t one of the gossipy mums in the playground who was part of the “in gang”. She didn’t care for anyone else’s business And of course no one knew hers. She had something special that was hidden behind her basic existence of bringing up 4 kids. She knew stuff and she was quietly wise and caring. And although she always stood in the shade, for me she shone like a hidden star.
Whatever it was she had, I wanted it.
She used to say, if you really want something that much then work hard for it but there is nothing you can buy that will be worth more than being happy and being nice to others.
So wait i did watching kids walking past with sweets pouring through the gaps in their fingers knowing that in my goodness i would get my share…. eventually.
Aaahh the naivety.
Of course i ended up with nothing and walked back to my mum with a long face, tears in my eyes feeling inside “it’s not fair!!!!”
It makes me smile thinking about it. It’s why I cheered so much when Charlie Bucket was given the Chocolate Factory.
Wanting it all. Having everything that money can buy and the luxuries of a big house, flash motor, designer everything and being the envy of all those around you. I had that once, for a brief moment with a rich boyfriend I had at 18 years old. Big house.. check! Flash motor, well pretty decent I guess but I couldn’t drive anyways so wasn’t much good to me, nice holidays.. in a short space of time, many, and nice stuff… yeah presents galore.. on my 18th birthday I was showered with Chanel perfume, posh chocolates and a diamond and blue topaz necklace. And yet none of it was mine. And it certainly did not make me happy. 18 months later I was a shadow of the once frivolous and fun 18 year old. An empty shell who was wondering what life was about anymore. The naive girl engaged and trapped in a moment of getting all the sweets. Only it wasn’t very sweet anymore.
Or perhaps the second option. Maybe I didn’t feel good enough or worthy of all those things. Perhaps.. a little. But having tasted what those sweets looked like and the real price I paid for them I was very much of the opinion that in fact all the sweets in the world would never be enough for me in life. Turns out my mum knew a thing or two but I guess I needed to taste them first before I really got it. Back to the garage What a lovely feeling that was.
I think that’s when I really tasted and savoured the sweetness and thought it’s all about love for me. Anything less doesnt mean anything.
So perhaps and maybe I’m still very naive in my thinking, I realised that life for me was all about the little things that many others could not see. The little insignificant stuff that went unnoticed but I cared about so much. Those magical moments, or beautiful wonders or things that just made me smile for no particular reason other than being very lovely. They were the sweets I wanted. And I always found them and was the first in line for them. Perhaps because no one else was queuing up for them except me and they poured into my hands like rubarbs and custards, lemon bon bons and chocolate chewy nuts. I didn’t have to push a single person out of the way. The whole sweet shop belonged to me.
Everything I loved was in the experience and always on a whim and always wirh so much excitement. I don’t remember ever coming back from anything saying … oooh the food was horrible, my room should have been bigger, the service wasn’t what it should have been or I want more!!!  I just always felt lucky!!!

And even the things that have gone wrong leave me with memories that are so rich and beautiful that if I were to “pop my dogs, oh sorry my clogs” tomorrow that I would feel like I have had the most magical and wonderful existence and I didn’t waste it. Even in the sadness Ive always found something to make me smile. And it’s never been a new settee, a big tv or diamond rings.
Perhaps I have no ambition but I’ve always worked really hard from my first paperround at 9 years old where I used to spend my money on things from the magic shop… X-ray glasses, grow your own magic water monkeys and invisible ink. I mean noone wanted to win that magic set in the school raffle as much as I did every year. I believed so much as I sat there with my one ticket. I think NP with his 100 tickets must have taken one home every year. What did he do with all those magic sets ? 😊
Im smiling thinking of all these things as I remember that It was all in the excitement. The disappointment was there at the time but forgotten in the mist.

So then what made me so happy when I was given a gift. The thoughtful ones are always the ones that I treasure.. more than the senders would ever anticipate or realise. I was given a gift that captured my imagination like an experience. Like a tiny baby I found myself more mesmerised by the wrapping before I could even find my way to the magic that lay underneath. If life is in the moments and the details then this gift was all about that. It was the sort of gift that I will be unwrapping for much time to come and was appreciated because it said something. And the way it made me feel in that moment and those that followed was like I was a sunset.
The surprises and sparkle were hidden in the outer wrapper of life and also beneath. And in that moment of surprise I thought this is the kind of sweet that should be shared with everyone. It is too special not to be. But just for a moment, just for one special perfect and selfish moment, I will let myself keep this sweet all to myself. And in a moment I will go and watch what magic looks like.

YES!!!!

Yes I spun round with my arms out on the tube station bridge this morning in the sun ☀️

Beacausr I know how to twirl 😊❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

One of the most satisfying feelings I know—and also one of the most growth-promoting experiences for the other person—comes from my appreciating this individual in the same way that I appreciate a sunset. People are just as wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be. In fact, perhaps the reason we can truly appreciate a sunset is that we cannot control it.
Carl R. Rogers, A Way of Being

 

All over this!!!!

When I write for my blog I literally have a thought write it in about ten minutes, post it, job done.

When I have to write something I don’t want to do, in this case an assignment, the build up to it parallels the pre race prep of an Olympic athlete.
Some would call it procrastination. I however would like to rename it the marathon warm up to giving a shit..
Having set aside this day for the finals, i work up at 5.30 this morning.
Had I got up at that time there is a high probability that I may now have finished.
However my mind was not in a place for that shit so early in the morning. The build up or pre assignment warm up consisted of a little extra happy time in bed, many cups of tea, toast, sausages in English muffins, the last of the milk tray, a truck load of great tunes and dancing, chats, a much longer and more leisurely shower, hair wash, complete pamper and reorganisation of all things toiletries, cigarette (totally giving up when this thing is finished) sorting of washing, one final final cup of tea, well maybe one more in a minute and commence.. time now 10.30 am. I have spent 5 hours doing nothing to avoid doing nothing 😊 I’m laughing because I’m always like this. This familiar little dance for all things academic is the equivalent of stretches and lunges on the race track.

I know what you’re thinking… ooohhh sausages in English muffins.. brown sauce in those?
Or rather Why don’t you just get on with it?
I just don’t know. The million dollar question that would find me using my time so much more wisely although to be fair I have been very happy.. and yes of course brown sauce.
But as I finally reach the point of putting hand to keyboard let’s listen to this one last tune together. Perhaps I need a cone round my head to stop me scratching it.
Ok I’m primed and ready!!! 😊
I’m all over this thing!!!