I saw a friend last night. I have been leaving some distance and space in that for a while to allow the ground to settle in both what I have felt before and also in myself.
Gradually I feel more inclined to reengage individually with different people. 1-1 works better for me or even in a small group where the atmosphere is easy going. I feel both safer and more myself in that. At some point I think that I will feel easier in the wider set but not yet. Living life free of judgements is working very well for me and I’m not quite ready to let that boat be rocked. Even after a year it still feels like early days and very easy to find yourself back in that room. I’ll get there when I’m ready if it even exists by then. Time will tell.
But last night I went with an open heart and a want to find a way in that relationship that leaves me feeling the sane when I leave as when I arrived.
And last night I did and that felt, well lovely actually. Not that I’m being complacent. I was quizzed for the first ten minutes in whether I knew about something regarding another friend which had been shared by someone else.
But I was ready and prepared for that and I found myself employing a tried and tested skill that I have developed over many years to combat this very thing.
I played dumb.. I didn’t know what I knew. Maybe it’s the blond hair that makes that believable as opposed to avoidance but in seconds it ended that line of enquiry and allowed us to share our own things. And that felt lovely and easy and fun. The reason I connected with this person in the first place. When we focus on what we are doing as opposed to others there is more joy to be had.
I mean I don’t think I will ever share my deepest thoughts and feelings. I am trusting very much in my sense of those people who are able to hold those safely and securely just as I would do for them. But I only have control over my side of the net. I play the game in the way I wish it to be played with me. I have to have a certain amount of trust in that but also an understanding of those who play a different way and to take that into account. Again my trust in that sixth sense is back and it is serving me well.
So a beautiful night of sharing her new life’s joy, listening to her hopes and dreams and of course a well nice dinner 😊
I’m finding my way slowly in these things.
And it makes me happy.
I have just been in the forest standing under a tree listening to the sound of the rain. And it felt lovely. There is such a special magic and romance attached to rain and I smiled to myself in its dreaminess. I wrote something yesterday which I didn’t post because it wasn’t actually what I wanted to say. It was a ramble of many things but didn’t have the essence of why I felt it.
As I was driving back from dropping my girl off at school I knew exactly what I wanted to say and so I’ve started again.
When I was younger I loved the old black and white movies that used to be shown on the tele on a Saturday afternoon. I think on bbc2 probably. They were simple and beautiful stories of love and friendship and romance and bravery and all things wonderful.
I loved them. They were everything I imagined and dreamed my life would be and my heart told me that I had all of the things required to be that.
I had two favourite stories back then. Robin Hood and The Three musketeers. I have watched them in every version they have ever come in and I always love them.
But not for the way they are depicted but for what they represent.
Robin Hood.. taking from the rich and giving to the poor. Im not just talking money. I’m talking about giving time, care, trying to be a good person in what can sometimes be a sad and lonely world and loving with all your heart.
I loved that Robin Hood and Maid Marian didn’t need a single thing other than the shelter of the forest and their love to be happy. But it was also beyond their own happiness. The happiness of others was entwined in that love.
Standing under that tree I felt that. I need very little in this life and yet it feels impossible to obtain this simple thing in this modern world. Why is that?
One of my favourite movies was Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. I
loved it because I imagined how happily I could live a life like that. Simple but with pure love and care. I once heard a friend quote the song from that movie.
“ I do it for you”
It is one of my most favourites ever!! I’m sure people would laugh at that but it’s true.
And There was a reason it was number 1 for soooo long!!! Because the sentiment in that song extended beyond my own heart. I think many others related to it . We should do anything for love. If not then what are we all living for. What a pointless existence.
The three musketeers.. all for one and one for all.. sticking together, looking after those you love and beyond. Caring about more than just yourself but being part of something bigger. Loyalty and Love. No man/woman standing alone. If they need you, then you will come together to stand up for what is right and good.
united we stand, divided we fall.
When I was writing yesterday it felt it so easy to become cynical in my thinking.
There are so many things that I see and hear that sit so uncomfortably with me. Cynicism seems to rule quite strongly in this modern world and talk of love and dreamy magic is so easy to laugh at as though your brain is filled with fluff.
It isn’t. But I didn’t want to share that. They are my thoughts and views that have no real purpose other than to guide me to where I sit within all the arguments of life. And yet I sit with no particular group. I’m just me sitting on the line (although some I’m sure would call it a fence) of people equality.
We are all different no matter which group you or others think you belong to. And that is the beauty of life and people. We are complicated and made up of so much which makes us individual and special and worth so much.
So having written about a whole array of things I will condense and say.. I love being a girl, I thought page 3 girls were beautiful and like kiss me quick seaside sunshine, I like nice manners and I’m not offended if someone offers me a seat on the tube or holds the door open, I’d do it for you. I don’t wish to be another sweet in the tinder sweet shop, I don’t like the fact that my girl grows up in a world where it is ok for men to stop at the bus stop asking for sexual favours and drive off laughing and I don’t believe in the idea that romance doesn’t exist anymore. It exists!
But more than anything I still believe in love. Maybe not for me but definitely for you. Because you are worth that and it’s all you will ever need ❤️
I woke up to yet another the beautiful and glorious sunshine morning. I love Sundays. They are the beginning of my weekend where I can just feel very chilled out and relaxed. I am permanently on the go. My work is so busy it’s a struggle to keep up sometimes and in one of my jobs I have been dealing with people who have been hiding behind their email to vent all their frustrations of life into something that in the scheme of things is so very insignificant but is providing them with a place to be rude and angry and pretty shit to someone who is just doing their job. I of course go back to them all friendly and kind, noting their frustrations and letting them know I’m here to help. It’s been pretty wearing though having to take so much crap ever since returning from my trip and although I don’t take it personally a couple of times I’ve wanted to say there is a limit to how much a person can take in other people’s shit. I’m a person not a punch bag.
But I refrain and quietly get on with the job at hand. But on Thursday aqua man took me for a stroll to check I was ok and the rest of my team threw their swords in with the offer of, this is your fight and we know you will quietly get on with it but we are right behind you if you need us. Like musketeers. All for one and one for all. It was all I needed to carry on and laugh at some of the unbelievably rude things that people were saying to me which said more about them than me. As a friend of mine said to me recently. Have the bravery to say it to me rather than throw it out there and run. Absofuckinglutely!
Beyond that I acturally feel very contentedly happy right now and that’s such a good place for me to sit because it says I’m not looking for anything I am just happy where I am.
I also have all sorts of thoughts going round in my head. Not in a bad way. In a way where my brain is at play and I’m doing what I have been known to hide. Thinking!!! And I love it because for all my fluffy, feelings, warm, love peace and dreamy, I also have a brain. Not one full of facts, and general knowledge on historical facts or guidebook details of places round the world
My brain is full of observations about life and people. I don’t care about the other stuff, but life I care about especially relationships. I learn so much in them that I can relate back to the bigger picture. And it fills my brain with colour.
Right now my topic I am writing about is Men. And it is making me laugh so much in my views on different things that will probably upset both sides of the fence. Those men bashing feminists will probably have steam coming out of their ears in some of my thoughts but I’m also putting some types of men through the wringer too.
And parking responsibility with all of us so it’s not all one way.
The similarities and differences in people I know has sent me on a bit of a journey in looking at things in different ways. Finding that differences are actually fitting with me better than I would have imagined and some of those similarities have big differences.
Right now I have a distinct lack of interest or care in having a romantic relationship. What!!! The girl of all things love isn’t wishing or dreaming of the perfect guy. Nope!!! And perhaps that’s because I’m actually very happy in the freedom of doing my own thing without anyone telling me where I’m going wrong.
I have found myself thinking a lot about where I went wrong in my big one. By today’s standards we were pretty fucking amazing. The difficulties of life and changes were our downfall but I always take great comfort in the fact that I am still loved and fondly thought of by him and we are able to be friends who care about each other. Maybe that’s because we met so young but I think is more because we really did love each other and had that special magic that most people dream of.
But before I get carried away, I still get on his bloody nerves in not wanting to fit in the boxes I’m supposed to which still makes him angry with me. Even now I can be on the end of that. There is a reason I’m living on my own.
I always looked at my my friend who I am similar to but oh so different. When I first knew him I was blown away by his sensitivity. I know him so much better now and see him in a million different ways that totally weren’t in the mix when I first knew him, have been sources of conflict as we have gone along in our friendship, can make me feel a little insecure sometimes as I don’t really get some things, but can also make me really laugh and feel amazingly happy in those strange and wonderful differences. And every now and then i notice my changes and I will think, omg am I like that too!!!
He has changed also. That sweet and gentle guy who chuckled like a little boy in his sense of humour is actually a lot more cynical and edgy and I have been cut a few times. He can go between dreamy and cynical and I obviously feel much easier in his dreamy but I find myself fascinated by his cynical which only throws itself out to me sometimes but makes me laugh more now in thinking how bizarre that is that I found myself another cynical dude. I often wonder what sits beneath that even though o don’t need to know and wouldn’t want to change it. It’s the full and real package, I completely love it and I’m a total believer in being everything you are. Don’t just fit.
Anyways just a little Sunday morning offering before I find a spot in the sun to write about players and page 3 girls. I’m so very easily pleased ❤️
Often I have serendipitous moments. They happen a lot. I often refer to them as the universe. It’s the fluffy in me. Totally believe in it.
I have rambled on a lot about the new dog that has brought lots of joy into my world. I’m loving and enjoying it for exactly what it is. Simple happy fun moments that are leaving my heart blossoming like a little flower and making me skip along as though I’m permanently in a field of daisies. Me at my most dreamy happiest and the truest and most basic version of who I am. And I have no doubt that I’m taking that happy around with me wherever I go right now and sprinkling it like fairy dust on anyone who passes my way. I feel giggly and light and strangely very confidently me. A fluffy little teddy bear dog. Proper cuddly😊 I guess if you don’t like that breed or they are too much then you can always just put them in the other room so you can chill out and be quiet.
It’s strange how you can spend time with a dog and see quite a lot of yourself in them. It makes me laugh when I think about it as I remember once on the tube that my friend L called me a puppy dog.
I thought maybe that was a bad thing, but actually when I look at what we have in common it doesn’t look too shabby.
1. Super excitable… bounding around and jumping up. Feeling playful and fun and excited in the company of those I like best. Too much sometimes when someone wants to be quiet. But I often forget that because I’m excited and I want to share it. Because I want them to join in with the fun and be part of it with me.
2. Loving .. stroke the back of my neck and you’ll probably get the same reaction as Miss L.
I want to be loved and show love. Can you do that too much? Apparently as a human, yes you can, but it’s ok if you’re a puppy where Lots of love is allowed. What a very strange concept that is. Me and Miss L spent a whole evening cuddled up together on the settee without a word. It was peaceful and beautiful and warm and every now and then we just looked at each other.
3. I Like being taken for a walk. I’m curious and interested in everything and anything. I like other randoms. They’re interesting. Although I wouldn’t necessarily want to take them home with me. They can remain in the forest to look for other puppies.
4. I love treats. Not ones that cost anything. Just little shows of appreciation. It makes me appreciate others even more.
5. Dreamy and sleepy .. yeah I love that.. I can spend hours doing it. I don’t see it as a waste of time or being unproductive. It makes for happy. What better product than that.
6. Friendly.. I want to make others happy too. Everything is more fun when other people are happy also. When people smile then I get even more excitable.
7. Observing.. I take it all in. I might look like I’m snoozing but I’m actually seeing and hearing more than people might realise and I Know I have a very reliable sixth sense.
8. Unique and with funny little ways .. yep I sure do have some funny and individual ways. Perhaps they are silly and laughable and weird and annoying to others but that’s how I’m made and I dont know any different. We are all unique. That’s what makes us all so special.
9. Independent .. I like company, a lot, but I’m ok by myself. I can chill and enjoy being by myself. I like exploring. And it makes me more excited when I see others. I’ll be yap yap yapping away after being so quiet. But it’s only because I have something to say and I like sharing.
10. Loyal and loving..I don’t want anyone to hurt me and if they do I may bite to protect myself. But for those who care for me I will love them above and beyond and I don’t need to get back what I give. I like giving out love. Even if you hurt me I will still keep trying to love you. I’m not perfect and I sure do make a mess sometimes but that doesn’t mean I’m bad. I instinctively know what feels safe and what doesn’t and if someone is genuine and if they are not and when someone cares about me and when they don’t. But at the root of everything I am full of love. And the only thing I ask for is, just be nice to me.
I’m very loyal and I will look out for you and bark if anyone tries to hurt you but please take care of me too. I can take care of myself but protecting those we love is important in my world.
Last night I was chatting to G over a glass of red. Miss L kept coming over to jump up with me and G said ” I feel a little jealous. Like she’s loving you more”. She didn’t mean it but I was very aware of not wanting to impede on their relationship even though as I said to her, I’m just another admirer of Miss L and someone different. I love her more than she loves me. She’s all about you and I’m a decent sub when you’re not here.
She knew it but I think she wanted to hear it.
And it made me think about what it would be like having my own.
I guess I might at some point but I don’t have a massive need in that right now.
A friend who adores their puppy told me that it was practice for having children. I didn’t have a dog so I couldn’t really compare but it felt on the surface very different.
In fact so different that it is virtually impossible to compare. The love with the dog .. well it’s pretty wonderful. Happy love. Joyful love. Easy love. Beautiful love.. unconditional love .. well from the dog at least.
With kids the unconditional part is completely the reverse and the love is the sort that you would die for.
And then beyond that it is lifelong commitment that can be thankless at times but is more rewarding and wonderful and epically amazing than a single other thing i will ever possibly experience in life.
I guess that’s my own perspective as a mum.
And I was thinking about the fact that she is mine. Only she isn’t anyone’s. She is her own. I take care of her and I love her and would do anything for her but she doesn’t belong to me. She is her own person with her own life and dreams and hopes and I never want to stop her from living those. Her happiness is everything. I could push her or make choices for her and maybe those will help her avoid mistakes or become more successful but I think life is more about what you do with it than where you get. Why, having been through various shit times do I feel happy. Because my life is my own. I share it happily but no one owns this puppy and the minute you try I will run faster than Usain Bolt.
G said to me last night actually I would like to share Miss L more. Maybe with kids. I think she would be really good with them.
I said to her what a wonderful idea that was and talked about possible places to do that.
This morning I arrived at work and was offered the opportunity to work with a 5 year old girl with a phobia of dogs. I have no experience in this area.
Serendipity strikes again. I’m so supposed to be doing this and as ever will walk through it learning as we go, but on this occasion I will have some very special help in the form of my beautiful and joyful assistant. Serendipity Dog… Miss L, bring on your magic! ❤️
“Stop crying or I”ll give you something to cry about”
Those words popped into my head this morning after seeing someone I care about who cried into my arms for half an hour for their loss. Tears that had not been shared for a long time.
What a release that must have been. It’s taken a long time to get there. To allow themself to show they are just a human. I realised in that moment just how difficult it has been for them locked in their world of finding it so difficult to show their emotions openly despite the fact that there is probably no one in this world that knows what sits beneath as well as I do. And what I know is beneath that show is the kindest warmest sweetest most loving person I ever met. And yet only I was ever allowed to see it in its realest most gentlest form. Laughs and anger being the chosen defence.
It has always been the same. It has required my intervention in order for them to be able to talk about those difficult emotions that are supposed to be hidden, else you look like a girl. Man up! Just get on with it. That’s life!
And when complete shut down occurs what a lonely place that is. I sure as hell felt that.
What I lack in general knowledge I more than make up for in feeling.
Funny which one is more valued in this world.
They find themselves in the sad position of dealing with a replica of 3 years ago and I feel their sadness too.
It isn’t fair. Life can be so shit sometimes.
When I was asked to intervene I was slightly worried. It’s taken me some time to unscramble my egg and return to being the sunny side up egg that I am.
But I care very much. And I can’t just ignore and sit in my own happy. Im not made that way or do I want to be. Life is bigger than just me.
It left me thinking about my own way of dealing with sadness.
I tend to cry alone.
“Stop crying or ill give you something to cry about”.
Holding it was the safest option and then find a little quiet spot and let those tears flow. I always felt it.
Over time I have felt easier in that. In fact with people I trust I will show the whole array of emotions. And sometimes things like frustration, anger, sadness etc can be difficult for others to hold especially if directed at them. My fear has always been retaliation, rejection or disappearance. The people I care about will receive them in their rawest format. Probably not nice to feel but weirdly the fact that you see them says a lot about how highly you are valued.
The old saying.. you always take it out on those who are closest to you.
Never a truer word spoken as I held their tears and reminded them what a wonderful person they are.
All the therapy in the world but sometimes you just need someone who knows and loves to tell you that it’s ok.
This girl has changed my world.
The universe knows what I need when I need it. In this case she gave me the perfect girl.
Well on top of THE perfect girl.
And I fell in love again ❤️
I always thought it would be nice to have a dog and I wanted the teddy bear variety.
Me and my girl have always said we would like a bijon frise. They are just cute, easy going and friendly.
So when my unexpected new housemate arrived with one I was over the moon and she seemed to settle with me too. G is busy too and is thankful for sharing her with me. She is happy for me to take her for walks and have her upstairs with me so she can get stuff done. And I’m more than happy to help.
While everyone else is out socialising I’m not bothered. Couldn’t wait to get home tonight.
Feel like I may never go out again. I realised just how much happier I am in her company than the effort of small talk with people that I have nothing in common with. It’s just easy and happy and fun and wonderful.
She has the same interests as me. Walking, dreaming and cuddles.
We are a match made in heaven. She likes that I am warm and Can’t get enough of my love.. and in return scampers round me like I’m the most exciting person on the planet. Suddenly I feel very content and It is the best feeling ever!!!
Could not feel any more warm, fluffy and full of love if I tried.
My world has just adjusted slightly and I’m loving this slight change.
My new housemate is lovely. In her late twenties and super bubbly and chatty. We hit it off straight away like we have known each other for years. I’ve never shared a place with anyone before, well other than my girl, when I was married and another fella I once lived with. When I have been on my own I have always been on my own and have always been very happy in that.
Something about closing my door to the world and just “being”.
So I am surprising myself at how much I am quite loving having another girl in the house with me and don’t even get me started on the added bonus. Madame L the little fluffy teddy bear bijon frise which is rocking my world in a beautiful way. We have clicked too and she is greeting me every time I come through the door as though I have been away forever. What a very lovely feeling that is. I in turn feel so happy to see her with her little tongue hanging out permanently because she only has one tooth. She is totally playing to my love of eyes. she has the type that hook me in, mesmerise and hypnotise me into doing anything she might want.
I’m a sucker for a pair of beautiful big brown eyes.
When I returned this morning having stayed at my best friend S”s last night I found a busy house with V there too.
I am used to seeing V during the week. Totally love her. We also get on like a house on fire and she also loves a chat.
She told her story this morning of moving to Jamaica when she was 7 and how different life was there and how her and her sister were bullied when they first got there because of their London accents.
I can’t imagine anyone ever bullying V. She has a no nonsense confidence that makes me smile and we are always laughing. I call her the angel of goodness because she is always involved in some charitable good doing through her church and she has such a sense of helping those in need. She saw it in Jamaica when she was a kid and it has stayed with her and she helps both here and there in different ways. I really like her a lot and she always likes to check I’m ok too.
Plus she told me she’s a singer so I’m now looking forward to her entertaining us BGT style.
It was nice to stop and drink tea and chat before I got on with getting ready to do my stuff. I am already liking this new pace of my life which has suddenly got a little slower.
I have so much energy. I feel like I might end up like one of those crazy 90 year old granny’s that bungee jump and do the can can. Life is for living and when I’m feeling happy and I’m in company that I love, I can stay awake all night and watch the sun come up. Why waste those moments. They don’t present themselves every day so I like to make the most of them if it’s possible. Sometimes without any thoughts for what that might look like the next day. Live to die another day 😊 but every now and then I can burn myself out and I have to be aware of that. So a chilled pace is feeling good.
I felt the same yesterday having spent the afternoon and night with my bestie S. Code named boozy but don’t be fooled. She has been my friend for over 20 years. I absolutely love her. We are very different in many ways and yet exactly the same in the areas that count. Caring , loyal, and love with all our hearts.
She is the girl from Souf London. Like V she is no nonsense in the sense that she can spot bullshit a mile off and will call someone out on it. Keep it real with this girl. Schmoozy charm does not cut it with her. She sees right through it. And equally she won’t give that out. What you get from her is pure and genuine love that makes you feel like you are very special.
She always says to me, babe you are a darling. What’s not to love about you. You’re the sweetest person ever.
I’ll kick their arse if anyone upsets you. And she totally would. Loyal and protective to the end.
She is also huge amounts of fun. Yeeeaaahhhh!!! Babe!!! Let’s have it!! Words that have been spoken when arranging many a night out. There is no one I would rather be going to Ibiza with. If I am going she will be with me in making it THE greatest trip to Ibiza that the universe has ever seen. When she is with you she is totally with you and you need to keep up. If I will be a bungee jumping granny she will be free jumping stuntwoman flying across skyscrapers. She is totally fearless and full of energy although in between those moments she loves nothing better than chillin at home with a doobie. There is little inbetween. She is either laid back chilled or full throttle fun.
As I say back to her “what’s not to love about you gorgeous”.
Added to that she is the most real and caring and relatable mum that you could ever find. My girl loves her. Her son in his twenties that she had when she was my girls age is so close to her and her other son who is 14 has his very own unique sense of identity and is a little creative genius. Not quite fitting at school he puts up with a lot of shit which he is finding tough and she is finding difficult not to kick their arses but left in his own world of creation he has talents that will one day see him go very far. Sometimes you have to wait for your moment. His moment with like minded types will come I think when he goes to uni. And with his artistic and writing talents I foresee him doing something amazing with his life.
Yesterday he had me filming him in his latest creation of “what it might be like to meet your girlfriends dad”.
I felt like Steven Spielberg as I immersed myself in his comedy drama in which he played all 3 parts. I think he may have looked better in my dress than I do. It’s my holiday favourite I told him. Treat it with love 😊 filming out in the street, at the front door and in the living room I got completely caught up in Action… Cut.
When we called a wrap he said I would be in the credits and would send me the fully edited version. I loved his ideas. Teenagers inspire me a lot.
Perfect Sunday on set filming and in between sitting in the garden with S chatting over Prosecco and snacks. How my days can bring something new all the time.
When I said goodbye to her this morning we did our normal little thing.
Love ya S.. love ya too babe xx Could not be luckier in having found her all those years ago.
I love most people And am always warm and loving to anyone I meet. But unlike the massive, my rare and very special few to me, get my extra most bestest love from the deepest part of my heart. I just love them more, in all their different, unique, beautiful and interesting ways and want them to feel extra love for who they are and what they bring to the world including mine.
I could not have more gratitude than in those special friendships.
So on with my day as the sun continues to shine overhead.
I won’t lie. I’m feeling quietly lucky today if a little tired.
And all because right now I’m loving my own little movie called LIFE.