A World of Compassion

A few weeks ago my girl showed me a photo of a woman looking completely broken.
She said to me “I feel so sorry for her. She looks so sad”.
“Yes she does” I said “that feels very sad”.

The girl who had found her way to fame and success and sat on top of the world was driven to her knees by those tabloid comics. Those same comics that influence who we should vote for.
How easily the mob are entertained.
Like a modern day colosseum where pleasure and excitement and something to gossip about takes the form of another celebrity.
You entertain the Devil then don’t be surprised when it expects to be repaid by taking you to the depths of despair..
They’re fair game we say..
or in media terms, spinning a story of someone’s life in a way that gratifies the desires of the celebrity adoring mob who salivate at someone’s rise and fall.
How we do love to kick a person when they are down.
So much easier to kick another for their mistakes and difficulties than to look into ourselves and see our own.

As I walked away from my girls bedroom I felt that this woman was so at risk of falling into deep despair. The world of celebrity with a million crocodile smiles surrounding you as they all battle for survival in this pretend and superficial world.
Your rise can be extraordinary as you become the hottest thing. But be in no doubt. The moment you don’t provide the image required you will be crucified. A crucifixion that plays out for all those bloody hungry eyes who feel the jealousy of just a normal girl becoming more than they might be.

This story will once again be spun as a tragedy by those that fuelled that isolation, aloneness, paranoia.
For someone to take themselves out of this world means that they cannot see any reason to remain in it. That they feel the world would be a better place without them or they would be better off without this world.
And yet somewhere out there amongst all the media frenzy are people who genuinely loved this girl. Whose world is crushed in her not being in the world anymore. Questioning what they could have done to help her. Trying to make sense of what has happened.

To say I felt angry at the world last night is an understatement.
Why do we so love to kick people when they are down.
To make sure they suffer a little more in their sadness and pain.

When I listen to my clients talking about the traumas and sadnesses in their lives and try to help them find their way through them I am always struck by how often surrounding that is the unkindness of others in every day life. The bitching and back biting in the workplace which can be the difference in pushing a person under.
Is it really too much to just show some kindness and care to each other in the knowledge that all our lives extend beyond the places we work, we all have difficulties and challenges in life and we can often feel very alone and sad in that.
No one learns to be compassionate. You just have to feel it. I met a woman who has never been shown an ounce of compassion as a young girl. And yet what was missing her whole childhood has become the thing she wishes to provide to those she loves. Why? Because she understands what it feels like to be so alone and never want others to feel like that too.

We can shout at those tabloids and curse social media but until we take responsibility for our own role in this world we are the equivalent of a five minute speech at the oscars. Actions speak louder than words. These big and influential money making machines that dictate to us how we should be and what has value are only so powerful because we fuel them.
Politics, business and marketing and media. They are all part of the same machine. While we continuously crave the sort of entertainment that has the ability to destroy people’s lives then we will get what we deserve.
A world where no one cares about their neighbour.

Shame on us for fuelling the machines that can drive a person to take their life.
This world is lesser in every moment that happens.

Passion fruit and coconut, flamingos and flowers

Beautiful life today.
It’s the little things that create the smiles and loved ones have been providing them in messages.
Sometimes a few beautiful words can make all the difference in feeling llovable just as you are.
I know that I’m fluff and ready. For some that probably lacks sophistication and elegance.. But i never wanted to be that anyways.. And as beauty is in the eye of the beholder it’s lucky that I have friends who are completely beautiful in every way possible.

After a lovely day at work where directors are all jumping off the ship and into empty lifeboats, it’s not hard to guess that something is afoot.
But I’m happy to go with the flow and see what happens. Perhaps an added boot up my arse to get things set up in something I enjoy. I give my whole self to it but it could probably help me too. Despite needing the money more than some others I haven’t been focussed on making money. But of course I need to strike a balance.
Robin Hood mentality. I’m sure there are those who can afford to pay more so that I can give to those with less. Well that’s the plan. That sits more comfortably with me, provides more diversity and I don’t ever want to lose that feeling that living life should always be about so much more than a pound note.
But needs must and I have to pay my bills.
Perhaps eventually that will allow me to do other things I care about. Who would want to be homeless in the cold and wind and rain. I feel desperate to do more than put change in a persons cup or buy a hot drink.
Like most things in life I can care and I can try and I can give some time but I can’t solve the problem.
Wouldn’t it be lovely though if we could. It’s a dream.

Last night I felt the effects of a disappointed girl who turned all her anger on me in not making the cut at the most prestigious of her auditions. She told me to F off when I tried to talk to her.
How do you tell the girl who has been encouraged to follow her dreams that sometimes they don’t come true. Sometimes life knocks you back but you have to get back up.
Rather than feel the disappointment she felt angry with me giving her hope and decided she wasn’t good enough to go anywhere.
As she was talking my mind was thinking.. you could be one of the greatest singers and dancers in the world and never get to where you want to. I use the spice girls as my inspiration. Ginger spices talent was not taking no for an answer and a never ending chant of girl power, Posh always looked like a sour puss and sporty.. ??? As for their singing skills? Who  am I to ever question their global domination.

Life is about hard work, kindness, belief and a whole lot of luck. If you think you know the path to a safe and perfect future then think again. One way or other life will throw you about on its roller coaster. Who wants to know. Not knowing is both the excitement and also the ability to make “right now” amazing. No one knows what’s round the corner no much how much they plan it. Life doesn’t give a shit about a plan. So you might as well live and enjoy it in the best way you know how. For me that also has to be what feels right too.
Balance Balance Balance. Maybe I will be good in that class L.

Anyways as for our little barney, ten minutes later it was all sorted. Me and my girl always make up straight after. I’m pretty easy going and a simple sorry works for me.. I wasn’t no angel when I was that age and sometimes I wonder if I ever grew up. Actually I don’t wonder. I know. I’m still like a kid even now.
I laughed when my mum messaged me from her trip to Barbados with her boyfriend T. The 75 year old bounty girl climbing down a waterfall apparently. The image she created in my head was hilarious and I replied to her message with a “be good you little minx”.
“ you know I never am” she replied.

Who wants to be a sophisticated and elegant woman. Where’s the fun in that. I’d be bored senseless.
I hope I never grow up.

When I came home tonight my girl walked out of her bedroom with a pretty bunch of flowers for me. I’m sorry I told you to F off.
I returned the gesture with the 10 quid from the flamingo scratch lotty that I had got her on my way hone yesterday. I saw it, made me think of K, which made me feel lucky, and gave it to my girl as we watched a Merlin after she had calmed down. Woohoo tenner!!!
Parenting red coat style. Just make it up as I go along and hope for the best.
She is the best!!!

I was left chatting to one of my angels about some nice things we are planning to do and looking forward to a walk at the weekend with Swiss M. I like spending time with her.

Sometimes I laugh to myself in just how simple and small my life must look in comparison with others but tonight I got a ray of hope in a message from P who finally returned to work again today and messaged to say that he was having a lovely day… just for me. I took that as a “try”. Baby steps. But babies that keep falling over eventually learn to stand on their own two feet and can turn into a dancer, a tropical island adventurer, or a happy person.

I ate my my reduced sell by date bargain that I picked up from the supermarket on my way home. An exotic passion fruit and coconut cake. Way to celebrate  my happiness in another beautiful lifetime in a day.
Simple tasted pretty f”ing good tonight 😊

Living with Depression

When my girl was little and wasn’t well I always wanted to scoop it out of her and make it mine. I remember when she was a baby and she went all limp and was hardly breathing. We rushed her to hospital and watched her being prodded and poked with injections and hooked up to oxygen. I could hardly breathe myself and I would have happily taken her place in a second. It would have felt easier to take her place than to watch it.

I have that same feeling sometimes with P as he struggles with his depression. That same helpless feeling that can’t change what is happening and is painful to see. Unhappy without me, unhappy with me.
But I stay hopeful that he will find his way through it.
It is difficult to watch though when I know I can’t help. Other than to try to make him feel loved.

He has to try.
But right now he doesn’t want to. In moments he finds the energy to laugh with our girl. Hiding the extent of all that sits underneath but she knows. She talks to me a lot. The pressure of his sadness removed from her by my presence. Not having to pick up the responsibility of trying to make him smile or make things better but finding she does in moments when she is laughing. She is a remedy for any man in all her sweetness and funny.
But I feel her need to breathe in a world of her making and I wish it for her with every bone in my body.
When we are alone together she allows all her frustrations and worries of life to come out. I am a safe place for her moments of anger which she can give with both barrels.
And five minutes later she will come and give me a hug or will message me to apologise. And I always repeat the same words.
You don’t ever have to apologise for feeling the way you do. I love you in everything you are and will be. You’re completely wonderful.
And then we move on and she will happily talk about some random thing that is going on in her world. I love hearing about it all.

Yesterday I felt P’’s depression at full force.
His self loathing about everything he is was ramped up high. I think my lack of visibility last week was part of it.
It makes him insecure. I find myself feeling that too.
I was out and about and felt happy doing things that make my life brighter. I like being happy. It is how I’m made and it suits me. I can be around sadness and darkness, it doesn’t scare me, but I choose the light. I choose to find the happiness of life in every simple little way I can. This is it. No second chances. I don’t need spectacular but I do need to feel like I can be me whenever I can.
While others search for more I am happy to just be. When I think of all the things I see and hear I realise how very lucky and fortunate I am and how important it is to value every wonderful moment, experience, and encounter, to treasure all the people I love and to feel the privilege of being a person who is able to do that. I know that not everyone can.

As P ripped himself to shreds and then went on to tell me how he is going to be a professional gambler I found myself thinking “with what?” Financially we have nothing other than the roof over our heads and there is no way I am losing that security. I fought to hard for it.
I felt the storm beyond the wind and the rain that raged in the world beyond my four walls.
I had to walk away and take myself for a swim. Just to reboot and catch myself at its core.
When I returned it was to distance. That can feel difficult. Trying to be there for someone but sit on the outside in the cold. But I feel warm from other things and people who surround me who I don’t really share with in details but whose happiness provides a blanket that keeps me warm and makes me smile. I guess that’s what I get from others. Their happiness warms my heart. It provides the smiles that I can pay forward to others.

What I have noticed is that I feel less frustration. An acceptance of my limitations.
P said to me “ you must think I’m so weak”
I never think that. I think that this once happy go lucky man who is so full of kindness for those he loves and who holds decent and noble values has been ground down by life. He always said that I was the only person who ever made him feel loved. And then my girl came along too. Double bubble. But he doesn’t have any love for himself and the more he lets himself go the harder it is to climb back up. He won’t seek help and won’t help himself and there is nowhere to go with that. It’s just a downward spiral of hopeless.
All that I give elsewhere and despite all the times I watch people I’ve worked with make those changes required for a happier life, I find myself completely impotent in being able to do that for someone I care about.
So I remind myself that I’m only a human who cares a lot and all I can do is try …

 

 

Special

I haven’t had any time to write this week. It’s been really busy but very lovely in all sorts of different ways.
I have been lucky enough to spend time this week with four people who I would consider my closest in life. My closest are quite random and perhaps would not really understand why they hold that place for me.
As a girl who is friendly with everyone and always tries to give to others, I’m aware of how small my circle of friends is. To others it would look as though I have lots of friends and yet I would see them more as acquaintances.
A friend to me is something so special, so treasured and gives meaning to my world.
I would always choose spending time in their company. Perhaps that’s why that circle of randoms is so small. I wouldn’t have time to give what I wish to friends if I was surrounded by many.

The many are for those odd occasions that I need to be part of the party. But usually I only need the party for a brief moment before I happily return to my more simple and quiet world.
It’s funny, I was very excited at the prospect of being part of a group where people who like the same music as me might be available as company in those moments I wish to just dance. I found that I’m holding back in joining because of the possible expectations in having to be available beyond those moments. I don’t have the time to give to that.
Because I would rather make that time for people that I love.

When I woke up on Saturday I felt like I was in need of a swim. I was in need of some quiet again.
I was on a 2 day training course in the week where two people paired up with me and I found them sharing difficulties they are having right now, and then another day delaying my departure from work to hear the difficulties and worries of someone I care about and who gives such a lot to others and then a full day of clients where ”I am all in”. Holding nothing of myself back.
I felt drained in being all the things that feel so important to me.
I sit somewhere in the middle of the scale in energy from others and energy from within. It’s a tight rope balancing act for me. Wanting to be around others and have fun but needing to retreat into myself so I can think and dream and recharge.

Movies are playing a role in inspiring me. A little like clients, the right movie seems to find its way to me in the right moment. I’m usually slightly behind in the cool movie of the moment. Going to the cinema is something I really love even though quite rare because of cost and lack of time. Escaping from the busyness and the pressures of this world to a lovely place of magic where you can be transported to another world, another life, another time and be immersed in what that is.
And yet even though it is something that I can happily do on my own there is always something so much more special for me in sharing that simple experience. I felt such huge affection and a need to cuddle and be cuddled when I watched a new film in the week.
The best movies find me feeling more than the story in front of me. It resonates on a level beyond their story and becomes a part of mine and others I love. They were the perfect friend to share it with and I felt it more in the quietness of sitting together, and giggles of kids and of looks and touches that was beyond a million words that could have been exchanged.

Last night I quietly sat and watched “The Green Book”.
Another new massive favourite for me which left me feeling all sorts of emotions. Special.
Watching a friendship grow and evolve between two people from different worlds who both benefited from those unique differences. Somewhere in amongst all their different versions of what their lives looked like they found something that bonded them by what they gave to each other.
When my girl walked through the door she said “oh look at you smiling. You obviously are loving this film”.
I did. I really really did. The realest version of a smile when I don’t have to hide how happy something makes me feel. It was beautiful and funny and so very real and human.
When they embraced at the door to his home there was something so wonderful in their different worlds coming together. They had changed each other. They learnt from each other and they genuinely cared about each other. The doc didn’t have to feel so alone anymore. He had a friend that he fitted with, despite not fitting.
And yet their differences were also similarities. How it warmed my heart.
Less about being compatible and more about a respect for the other person and a joy coming from someone else’s happiness. less about their own need but that of someone else’s and in that both their needs were met. They grew to care about each other beyond the confines of their own worlds and the conflicts of not fitting and not being accepted on both sides of the fence. They fitted because they didn’t.

I went to bed last night feeling so happy in the thought that there are friendships that can evolve in what I want to give to you rather than what can you get from me.
In this world where everything is on offer for your own happiness I am very often questioned by my therapist in my desire for someone else’s. Even my own girls dream coming true, of course had to be about me. And yet what I actually felt in that, was that my dream came true because my dream is just for her to be happy and follow her dreams. So much more joy from someone you love realising their dreams than from any of my own. I feel like that for the friends that I invest in. That small circle that mean so much to me. Why do they mean so much? I don’t know. They just have this intangible special that I can’t put my finger on that makes me happy in just knowing them.
But Perhaps there is also something in their effort in remaining in my world. Where I put in effort they reciprocate and it feels less about what they want from me and more about them wanting to give too. And yet with them I don’t need anything.
What a strange conundrum.
Not wanting something back feels quite rare in this world.
But whenever I feel that sort of care, it is appreciated beyond words at the very deepest level. That someone might see me as someone worth their time and effort is always less about the action and totally all about the thought.

 

Following Dreams

I heard from a friend yesterday that I haven’t spoken to for quite a while. The last few years have been busy and full of stuff and I lost contact with a few as I tried to concentrate on getting through it whilst trying to find some happiness too.
But I was so happy to hear from K yesterday. It really made me smile. I like her such a lot. She’s just a very lovely person. Down to earth and one of life’s genuines.
We used to pack boxes together in another life. Feels a million years ago now and yet I can put myself back there in an instant.
Having previously spent mornings opening a pile of letters before disappearing at lunchtime, I was then moved to the warehouse which was where mine and k’s friendship blossomed.
It was during a time when I was at my most happiest in life. But also just before a point of change.
We used to chat really happily about our simple existences.
I would talk about P like he was the greatest thing since Henry Cavill in the Tudor’s.
I was still crazy in love, despite many years passing. My girl was happy and everything was fun. Life was totally magic. I was living my fairy tale in every way and was the happiest girl in the world.

We used to pack boxes with the radio playing and I would dance down the aisles.
The biggest excitement was when the French man B wandered in sometimes for a chat. I’m a sucker for a French accent. It was nice bumping into him again at a party last year and have a chat. Funny how he wished that he was still working with the kids in the activity centre instead of doing the better paid but very dull job he does now. How relationships can change your life beyond them lying next to you in bed.
He had lost a little of his French sparkle.

Big M was a bit bossy when I arrived in the warehouse and I remember him telling me that I wasn’t putting enough tape on those parcels. Something that my boss yesterday commented on as I was sending some books for a training course next week.
“Got enough tape on there?”
I laughed that I was in fact a professional packer. They need to withstand being thrown in and out of those vans without everything falling out. I am a girl of many skillls and experiences. Big M would have felt proud.

In fact when I think of all the different jobs I have done through the years I realise what a little jack of many trades I am. I can turn my hand to most things. Versatile is my middle name and I’ll happily do anything!! and actually over the years I have.
Foreign exchange trading assistant, making and selling doughnuts, teaching assistant, pub cleaner, museum recruitment, waitressing, counsellor, warehouse packer.
You learn a lot beyond the job..
From knowing the value of a pound note, work ethic, working with different types of people and understanding the value that is placed on you by others depending on what you do for a living.
The snob value.
I know the jobs I have loved more in life. They are never the ones that pay the most and they are always the ones where I’m working with genuine down to earth people.
Totally where the value for me sits. I’ve worked with a lot of people who think themselves important and better just because of the job they do.
Not in my book.
That assumption that everyone would want to be them and have their life.
Actually I never have.
But I did lose sight of what always made me happy in life. I got caught in the bright lights of what apparently is more. Thinking I had to be more educated and successful to be good enough. My eyes were well and truly opened and when I heard from K I found myself thinking, “I would quite like to go back and pack boxes again”.
It was just fun and happy and we had such a laugh.
So what really is a dream?

I often think that being able to travel between that scale in knowing what it looks like in different versions is invaluable to me. I relate a lot to others in just that very basic part of life. We are just people. Not defined by what we do but the people we are. But If my job is what defines me then I I think I would be the doughnut seller. I loved that job. It made me really happy.

Why is it that when I walk in in the mornings that the security guard always gives me a massive smile and asks me how I am?
Because I watch lots of other people walk past him as though he doesn’t even exist. And yet 2 minutes later they say hello to a fellow office worker in the lift. Same with the girl who cleans all the kitchens and empties out the dishwasher. You would think she was invisible to some people.
What’s that all about?
Ignorant idiots.

Looking in from the outside and thinking you know, is something I hear a lot. But quite often you have to live it to really know it, to really get it.
I’m just talking about something I know but I think this applies to orher areas of diversity. In this case it looks so different to the various versions that I hear from people who are clueless beyond the privilege they live in. It’s always very interesting hearing a point of view from a place of limited experience in what it really looks like.
And for me there is nothing more condescending than a sympathy face that assumes that everyone would want to be them.

There appears to be an assumption now that you need to be educated and successful to have value. What a crock. I know many educated people who appear to know nothing. You don’t have to look much further than our politicians for evidence of that.
I learn so much from others. It’s the best way to learn.

As for following dreams.. My little “Charlie Bucket” girl found herself with a golden ticket yesterday. Having given it her all down 42nd street she was offered a place to pursue her dreams of being a performer. Three years of singing and dancing in one of those highly sought after funded places.
Her excitement in her dream actually turning into a reality felt incredible. As we looked round at different places they had privilege stamped all over them. Money talks in this world. The competition to find a way into it without money is immense.
The only thing that has ever really held the ultimate importance for me is seeing my girl happy. In whatever that looks like.
Following her heart and pursuing her passions.
Not feeling like she has to take the safe route or a route that she thinks might make me and P happy. Just doing her. Being what she wants. She has to live it not us. It’s her life that we have been given the privilege of being part of it. But we  don’t own her. We have had the chance to borrow her for a while as my gran would have said.

If I may have got many many things wrong in life and in being a parent what I think and hope I perhaps got right,  was providing the freedom for her to follow the paths she wanted. No pressure to be anything. I’m proud of her no matter what.
But to see this beautiful, and kind hearted girl who always tries her best and loves what she loves, being given her opportunity to follow her dream , well, in every way,  all my dreams have come true.
Her dreams are my dreams
Her happy is my happy.
That’s exactly what love is and exactly what dreams are made of.

Tough Love

My friend sent me a song a week or so ago. It made me very happy as I skipped along listening and watching Loved it!!!
It has been on repeat a lot.
One of the many little things that keep me UP.

I do feel lonely very often. It can be tough sometimes. I made a choice to help someone I love but it can be very easy in their sadness and frustration and constant moans and disillusion to lose sight of all my wonder. In those moments when I feel so lonely in it I catch myself and think of a lovely memory or smile at someone in the street and catch their smile back.
Less lonely.

I am probably the most romantic girl in the world. Whole heartedly believing in the power of love.
As that one day approaches next month when suddenly there are a million highly visible gestures of love, mine can get easily lost behind all their extravagance and sparkle.
Wishing that I too could be part of what that looks like.
I’m just a girl who wants to feel loved and romanced.

Last night in patience but frustration I gave out some tough love.
I’m here and I’m trying with everything I have to help someone I love and care about find their love of life.
I’m naturally a positive and happy person. I have had some moments of hopeless. I know what it looks like. But you have to dig deep and reach high to find it.
Find it in all those small and simple things that make you smile if only for a moment. If you keep looking you will find enough to make you smile all day long.
But you have to want to.
It’s the difference between living and existing.
Like those valentines flowers that will evenrually perish you can’t just rely on one thing or person to provide all the happiness in your life. It’s all down to you.
As I am standing in the tube a bag caught my eye. “Choose love”
Thankyou universe I saw it.

Sometimes as I watch people that look so in love I feel jealous which is just made from sad. I think I deserve that kind of love too.
I have felt that.
I know exactly what that feels like at its most wonderful.
Those butterfly’s, a leaping heart, swimming in the clouds. It’s so very beautiful. I could create that for a lifetime if someone else gave the same.

But I always live in hope that that part of my life isn’t over. I can’t complain though. I know what that looks and feels like. Its magic! The most magical feeling ever!

I told P that I can love him, I’ll be there for him, listen to him and do whatever I can to help him.
But I can’t make him happy. I can’t be the difference in him living life or existing in it. It’s down to him. He has to look for those things. He has to dig deep and reach high. I’ll do it with him but I can’t do it for him.
Of course it went down like a lead balloon.
“ Life is shit and you just have to get on with it”

Ok .. so Yeah life can be shit, and there is so much unfairness and there is lots of sad and bad stuff that happens And ?!!! …

What about all the good stuff. What about all the incredible little things that joined together can create something really wonderful.

I found myself thinking about when I was at college and I would walk in really happily in the morning. What an amazing opportunity. And I’d hear people moaning about no printed handouts, not enough essay guidance, questions and moans about PD and other PD, gripes about people being late and not having enough knowledge on this that and the other.
I remember in one tutorial my tutor said to me that he often looked across at me and i would be smiling and he would wonder what I was thinking.
I can tell you.. not a lot. I used to switch off for that part of the show and dream of something better. That’s what made me smile. I don’t sweat the little stuff. I don’t give a shit about it actually. Because we could spend a lifetime stressing and moaning about the little stuff and then we are dead.

There is a choice.
And I choose live not exist in whatever life looks like. Every time I hear a mindless moan about nothing I take myself off to somewhere lovely in my head.
I won’t be pulled down by someone else. Help them yes absolutely but I choose to be happy and happy I will be. Until the moments that something makes me really sad.

It can feel a lonely place to be at times. It’s always more wonderful being happy with someone else.

But .. when that day of love comes along next month I have decided that I will romance myself. I will treat myself to a little magic. Not sure what yet but it’s gonna be beautiful. Because yes I do deserve that and I don’t need someone else to provide that for me. I know exactly how to give it out in all its magical beauty but I also know how to give it to myself. And the beauty of that is only I can ever let myself down ❤️

 

It’s all about you today L ❤️

This post is dedicated to you!
I have a friend who is truly beautiful.
Her name is L.
This sunny morning is dedicated to you. Isn’t the sunshine gorgeous.
It has made me think of you. I walked down the street towards the tube thinking of you.
You will be in my mind all day today.
Let me tell you a little about this girl.
She is teeny tiny with red hair and pale skin. Green is her colour. She looks beautiful in it. She has her own sense of style and it suits her.
She beavers away in life quietly with no fuss. Silently getting on with things with no complaints. But stuff gets on her nerves, makes her sad. Sometimes I think she feels very alone . And I’m guessing wondering whether anyone notices or cares what is happening in her world. I do. I absolutely do. Because I know she cares. About all the people she loves.
What a thankless task that is right?!
As she beavers away does anyone see how much she cares. I do. I absolutely do.
She is one of only three people who I know who have access to my blog. And religiously she reads my posts. I always feel heard by her. Do you know how much that means to me?  Thankyou!
So who is this girl? She has been one of my closest friends for a long time. We have shared all sorts of wonderful, crazy, difficult, fun, silly amazing experiences.
Probably the most thoughtful person I know. she is creative and dryly funny and clever. She gives everything her all. Nothing half hearted about her. When she does things it is always with precision and details. conscientious in everything.
When I think of how she expresses love I see it at its most visible in her gifts. They have such a personal and thoughtful magic to them. A t shirt with red shoes, a stone I carry for love, a pen to remind me of my Laurelliaga angels. All lovingly gift wrapped giving you a little piece of perfect that will make you smile and feel special.
What it actually says to me is just how special she is. Because she gives that out even when she doesn’t get that back. How disappointing it must feel sometimes although I feel her expectations in others has been lowered in order to avoid that disappointment.
She likes to do nice things. Have fun.
We had a period where we went out a lot a few years back. What a magic time that was. So many fun and golden memories in there.
Golden times as we call them where fun was all over it. We had more time. I had more time. I need to make more of that time.
Because when she is around life feels all the more wonderful. She probably doesn’t even realise what she brings to the world/my world.
I love seeing her after a couple of drinks when she becomes a giggly girl and says random lines that make me and M laugh. Her little carefree girl shining out.
One of the people of this world who deserves to be treasured and loved by someone wonderful. I always think she is too special for just any Tom Dick or Harry. The world is full of a lot of them but she is so much more. A more that she is so unaware of but is so clearly seen by me and others who are lucky enough to know her and call her a friend.
The little voice of reason who can give you a kick up the arse but show you so much love and compassion.
Given the chance and the freedom she could create a landscape of such beauty with her paints.
It’s all in the details with her and so I’m sharing this detail with you today L.
You are loved more than you know. I feel truly lucky that I met you and you are my friend. Even when I am caught up in life you are always in my thought at least once every single day. But for today you will be in my thought for the entire day for no other reason than because I love you.
What tune shall I pick I thought? Too many to choose from. Jared perhaps! Not today I thought. Let’s take you to back to Ibiza. A moment when you felt the happiest and most carefree. That’s what I wish for you today my sweet L. Because today is all about you! ❤️