Boom!!! Keeping it real

I’m off and running. Yesterday with my girl was the introduction I needed to reengage with the world beyond the forest.
Everything has to be in my own time in a way that suits me.
My Laurelliaga angels were the last people i saw before lockdown and the first people I saw today when everything officially reopened. Miss Dreamy McDreamo reunited with
Miss International Status and Miss Grand Prix.
Finally I surfaced into real life with real people with my very real friends.
Love them both. What a remedy for isolation. Real chat on important things surrounded by chuckles and light hearted frivolity. Interspersed by a few guest appearances from faces we know and haven’t seen for a while.

I have lived and worked round her for a long time so it stands to reason I’ll see people I know when I venture out on a day when everyone is venturing out. It has been easy to forget in amongst all that fake “we are in it together”, how nice it actually is where I live with so many different down to earth people.
That’s what I’ve missed. That sense of real and genuine and having a laugh.

Being able to share my new ambition of never working again. Needing to back that up with a win on either a. Postcode lottery, b. normal lottery
or c. Premium bonds bought with money saved from the mortgage holiday. Hoping for nice payout before I have to sell them to pay my bills in a couple of months.
Be lucky McDreamo!!!
And interwoven in that, mine and my girls daily entries to free online competitions and free trials of products.
Perhaps I might become a professional game show contestant. Is that a profession? It sounds like one to me.

I found out I wasn’t alone. We agreed it wasn’t a bad plan at all.
Laughing our little heads off as an antidote to all the crappy changes with work, the resulting ripple effect that is becoming a wave where kindness isn’t featuring quite as highly as all those pulse surveys suggest.
How are you feeling? No really how are you feeling?
Saying it twice doesn’t mean they care anymore than they did before. We all know it’s lip service. We aren’t as stupid as they seem to think we are.
We eventually said good bye to the birthday girl and L waited with me while I bought my pick n mix from the market stall. And then we parted company too. How we miss hugs.
I wandered back eating jelly babies and strawberry bon bons feeling like I want to see more of the people I love.
Making plans!!! Haven’t been able to do that for a while. A road trip in my car to M’s new place. With no sense of direction and a previous history of crazy car driving, L knows the risks in embarking on another adventure with me. Fuck it!
As I told her .. my mum once drove from Southend to Bromley and somehow found herself asking a policeman for directions on Tower Bridge.
It’s all part of the adventure I told her. How far does the A10 take you anyways?!
I’m the worst driver ever but I always manage to get there eventually.

I feel so lucky to have two such great friends that I can talk to and have a laugh with.
Saving our money In buying lunch, for more important expenses that are part of our real lives and for future fun trips we can take together when the time is right.

I’m finally back in the game and out in the world and feeling happy In just being me. Doing it my way with the people I love.

More of that please!

The day a page 3 bird made me smile 😊

On a sunny afternoon in North East London I ventured out with my girl.
The gentle breeze and the warm sun reminded me of doing this walk to the shops when my girl was little. I didn’t drive then so it was either walk bus train or tube.
I loved our gentle little strolls together as she used to chatter away and I would teach her catchphrases from various sitcoms and game shows from a time when I was a kid. It felt like basic training.
“It’s goodnight from me and goodnight from “… “HIM” she would shout.
“Nice to see you to see you?”… “NICE”
How happy we were 😊
She knew who Brucie was before she saw a single strictly .. she learnt French from Del Boy and Frank Spencer taught her to roller sKate. He was a favourite. I guess we know what we know and these were the happy little things we shared.

I haven’t wanted to go near the high street and wouldn’t have bothered walking round there if it hadn’t been for two reasons. I needed to get a birthday card for my special friend M and my girl was feeling down about her grandad and wanted to just stay in bed.
It felt like an impossible task to coax her out until by luck a delivery driver arrived with a package from quiz. As we tried things on like an episode of the generation game we laughed in the content not looking in real life like it did online.

“Let’s get out in the Sun for a walk” I said.

For a moment as we walked the world felt like it always had in a time gone by. Just me and my girl strolling to the shops in the sunshine laughing and talking about random stuff. Simple happy.

As we passed one of the many hairdressers in our high street I glanced across to three people and smiled at them. And then realised
one of them was the Queen of the Sun page 3 icon Samantha Fox.
I wanted to hug her for being there in that moment. (But of course we can’t touch). A woman who created a little sunshine on grey days with just one turn of a newspaper page. She put a smile on many a face during her reign, in a time when harmless frivolous fun was ok. Well it was to me. I’ve never been bothered by such things. Like kiss me quick hats.  The internet provides a very different version now.

On a day that began with me wishing to keep the dream alive, before taking a downturn in seeing the struggles of someone I love, I will remember the day the sun shone and a page 3 bird made me smile. You can’t make it up.

It touched me!

And you certainly can’t get that on the internet!

Keeping the dream alive

What the strangest feeling. I woke up this morning to this song playing inside my head.

“Tonight the rain is falling
Full of memories of people and places
And while the past is calling
In my fantasy I remember their faces
The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
The game will never be over
Because we’re keeping the dream alive
I hear myself recalling
Things you said to me the night it all started
And still the rain is falling
Makes me feel the way I felt when we parted
The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
No need to hide, no need to run
‘Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we’re keeping the dream alive
I need you
I love you
The game will never be over
Because we’re keeping the dream alive
The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
No need to hide, no need to run
‘Cause all the answers come one by one
The hopes we had were much to high
Way out of reach, but we have to try
No need to hide, no need to run
‘Cause all the answers come one by one
The game will never be over
Because we’re keeping the dream alive
The game will never be over
Because we’re keeping the dream alive
The game will never be over


Trying to fit an undefined peg into a square cage

The past couple of days have felt more difficult. P’s dad was rushed to hospital in need of a blood transfusion and has been kept in since. I felt his weakness on Sunday when he came for dinner. I can feel the weight of worry in P and my girl.
As ever I’m trying my best. I really do try.

I feel I have no interest or motivation in work. Going through the motions in order to get paid but unable to give them the kind of fake enthusiasm that I hear from others. I just can’t be bothered to pretend. Always friendly, polite, kind but don’t ask me to be fake. I’m doing the work. Is that enough? Or is it more important to play the game? I ovs know the answer to that but I’m just not playing.
Saving all my love and energy for people and things that I actually care about. Right now I feel strong enough not to need anything back. Self sufficient and taking care of myself. But using my blog as a little release for little thoughts that have no place to go but for some reason I just wish to share.

I love the sound of rain on the windows. I have said it before but there is something so very sexy and romantic about a rainy day that transports me into my own world of unadulterated fantasy. My beautiful imagination can conjure up magic that in the secrets of my mind make me feel happy.
What a waste of a rainy day.

I sat alone later this afternoon watching a programme about the life of Marilyn Monroe. I felt tired and had it on as background noise.
She had such charisma that has stood the test of time.
Her “rescue me” vulnerability that was so attractive to men all of whom ended up using her in some way. The sort of attraction that was short lived as that same vulnerability eventually became more of a burden.
It always appeared she was looking to be loved but instead found herself with a variety of lovers who eventually denied her existence in their lives.

As I watched and listened to the series of people who had something to say about her, I came to a quote by an old Etonian and Oxford educated film critic and writer for the Guardian. As he talked of Marilyn’s relationship with the playwright Arthur Miller he said

“ can you imagine the uneducated girl from an orphanage falling in love and trying to be the equal of one of the greatest intellectuals of that period, Arthur Miller. But she tried very hard”

I found myself replaying that comment a couple of times. What did he mean by that?! But there it was. As bold as brass!

Previously I had stumbled on videos for some songs by Novo Amor. Birthplace had originally found its way to me at the beginning of lockdown and has ended up leading me to a story that resonated with me as the wheels start to turn again.

The film depicted the life of Mongolian nomads who I learned are gradually becoming culturally extinct. An indigenous group of people whose existence is being affected by rules that are made by people who don’t really understand their way of life and make it difficult for them to live in the way they choose. Just wishing to be free but watching it gradually being stripped away from them..
freedom may be a state of mind but It feels like the state still try to control it.

It made me sad when I read about their challenges and showed me how easily and with so little respect we believe that we own everything including the lives of people and this planet. We like to put a label on things and say “this belongs to me” .

My girl is my daughter but I don’t own her. I have had the privilege of borrowing her. Of sharing in her life so far. She is free to live her life however she chooses. I wish that for her above all else. I hope of course that her life includes me but more so that she folllows her heart and is guided by her soul in where she goes.
Why do we wish to own it all when it displaces others. People who just wish to be able to live within their different customs and pass them on to their children.

I hear about progress all the time. How I laugh. we have followed our tried and tested strategy when we talk about change.
The people who think they own it all try to fit the life that works best for them into the same thing but just packaged slightly differently.
When we all found ourselves in lockdown we immediately looked for solutions in living life in exactly the same way through different means. Fitting an undefined peg into the same square cage and calling it progress and innovation.
A desperation to stay connected even though no one was really connected before. Perhaps we can now hide the superficialities of life and relationships behind the excuse of everything being virtual.
I have never felt more disconnected. Exacerbated by being bombarded with a constant stream of  how we all need to stay connected. It’s easier to herd sheep if they are all in it together.
I feel I have to switch it all off just so I can breathe.

As ever I feel lucky to have that special few.
I would feel very alone without them.
Hearing or seeing their real and genuine in whatever format it comes is enough for me. They are my magic. I wonder if they know that.

The forest is the best part of my life right now I feel connected to something more. Something bigger than me. A feeling that can change my emotion as I walk beneath the trees. From complete emptiness as I finish a tedious and purposeless days work in my job, to total connection within myself and all that surrounds me as I walk under the trees. Feeling the energy from all the life that surrounds me as though I am part of it. I love the feeling of being so alive. Smiling and then chatting to every random I pass. Perhaps not quite connection but it feels real and untainted.

I read this today. I feel like I want to share it just because I liked it. I’m not sure why exactly. I think perhaps I like the idea of heroes. It made me think of all the people that I love who are heroes to me.
I hope they know that.

“Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid. He is the hero; he is everything. He must be a complete man and a common man and yet an unusual man. He must be, to use a rather weathered phrase, a man of honor—by instinct, by inevitability, without thought of it, and certainly without saying it. He must be the best man in his world and a good enough man for any world.

He will take no man’s money dishonestly and no man’s insolence without a due and dispassionate revenge. He is a lonely man and his pride is that you will treat him as a proud man or be very sorry you ever saw him.
The story is this man’s adventure in search of a hidden truth, and it would be no adventure if it did not happen to a man fit for adventure. If there were enough like him, the world would be a very safe place to live in, without becoming too dull to be worth living in.“ Raymond Chandler

I feel better for sharing


The Dream

I feel like I have turned a massive corner in making decisions that have my best interests at heart.
None of them feeling long term. Just little choices, moment to moment, knowing the patterns I sometimes follow and how easily I can find myself caught in complications that I want to avoid.
I’m looking for happiness. I am feeling it in myself. My current situation being unconventional for sure but as I said to P the other day.. we are probably getting on better living in the same place than most people who are actually together. Although to be fair this is definitely helped by the fact that I am in the forest most of the time. But still, it makes for an easier life.  Being good parents to our girl is fundamental for me but I wish for more in my life. That much I know to be true in my heart. I don’t know what that more looks like exactly but I need to feel like I’m alive. That I’m not wasting it. When I think of what it looks like right now in this most simplest of life,  I know I’m making the best of it. Inside all by myself I am feeling  alive. Knowing exactly what takes that feeling away. Recognising my need for freedom and possibilities and love.
I don’t need the promise of being rich and successful but I would like the possibility of trying to be everything I can be and perhaps if I’m lucky being loved for that.
I’m already lucky that I have my girl. She being the most wonderful time of my life. But she will be moving on with her life in all its future excitement and wonder and I can either settle for drifting along listlessly to the end of my life or I can grab the next chapter and make it something incredible.
I’m no fool. I have smarts and skills. But right now I also have responsibilities and when thinking about my dad I am reminded how important it is for me to fulfil these obligations. To be what I had promised to be. To not just put my own wants and needs first without considering others. In short I don’t want to be like him. Obviously taking care of my girl is an absolute given but i also want to see P ok. It is never so evident over the past few months in how much we have both changed from the kids that fell in love. And we really did fall in love in the way you do when you are twenty.
Neither of us are twenty anymore and we both want such different things from life. He being happy to sit in front of the tv for hours watching racing. Which is fine. I get it. It’s his thing. He loves it. If he wishes to be a professional gambler then I say go for it. Just please don’t bet the flat well at least until we have sorted out what to do with that.

I on the other hand want to experience this one opportunity at life in a different way. I don’t need to travel the world or live in luxury although I won’t turn them down if the chances come my way, but I do wish to be inspired and see and feel different things and to share those things with someone who wishes for those things too.
That’s what my dream looks like. It’s pretty simple really. Basically just me in its best, happiest, most creative and enthusiastic and fun version.

Right now I feel like I am having to play it safe. Unlike these people who are masked up and scared of dying I have no fear in that. When my times up it’s up.
More so financially this virus has obliterated all my hard efforts from last year and I’m starting all over again. Back to basics in trying to work out how to sort out the mess. Only this time around I’m not feeling completely traumatised and I come at it with some experience. Where there’s a will there’s always a way. I can’t be bothered to worry about any of it anymore. It really doesn’t help.
While others might feel traumatised from this lockdown I feel like I have been on a cheap detox retreat. My very own Betty Ford Clinic known as the Forest Club.
And I’m now starting all over again with a completely blank canvas. Leaving my placement which has given me more time that belongs to me again. Thinking about how I might get the best from who I am to take me where I want to be. I think I’ve been massively underselling myself. There are also less feelings of animosity flying around which also feels helpful. It will hopefully help both me and P find our ways to better places that are right for us as individuals. I mean it’s not utopia, our situation is pretty unique and in need of resolution but there feels a little more respect coming my way and that feels good.
And I certainly feel less scared in the unknown.

I’m determined to keep hold of what I’m feeling right now as I find my way through the next part.
My freeness of spirit which has struggled to find its way through all the difficulties of the past few years just isn’t willing to be pushed down anymore. She is me and I am her.
And I feel her dancing in not being suppressed. No longer willing to be caged by anything of anybody.

But I’m also aware of complications and obstacles along the way and how easily it can be to mess up all my good work in taking care of myself. I’m determined not to let it.

I bumped into one such complication for the third time yesterday.
Are you following me I thought. This is a big place and I am exploring. I know a lot of people who live locally but rarely do I see them in here even though I’m in here all the time . And yet there he was again like the cool rich kid on his state of the art bike smiling in finding me again. Happy to stop and chat. He is easy company. I know him well. I could have stood there for ages chatting. It has felt like a long time for me in socialising with anyone but I heard those alarm bells in me and put my ear phones in as a sign that I was on the move.
But not before being invited for drinks.
Come over tonight for a glass of wine. In fact whenever you want.

I knew that look. Funny how the forest provides such freedom.
Those alarm bells ringing in my own head in that moment in the prospect of all my good work being undone by a charmer from a time gone by.
Yes I should imagine there is a wish for the warm caring girl to be around as an antedote to an irritable wife who once loved the excitement of meeting in exotic locations round the world but now finds real life with him a disappointment, despite their big and beautiful house and lack of financial worries. Although as he told me yesterday. It’s all relative.
He knew I wouldn’t judge as he told me but was also aware that if he cried too hard it might result in me asking if he was counting up that penny jar yet.
Happiness is a fine line that can’t be bought with cash but tell me the last time you met a homeless person that said “I have no where to live and I’m starving but I feel so very happy and free. “

I know him pretty well. We have been friends for a long time and he has always liked talking to me. There is so much more to him than the arrogance that many see in him. That arrogance is certainly less evident in him with age. Go back ten years to the man in his thirties. He had the world in his hands. Birds throwing themselves at him.. well I say at him. As he always told me, I certainly became more attractive to women with every single bonus I earned. Driving around in his flash motor, money no object, parties, the best restaurants and trips in five star hotels. I remember years ago being at Ascot with him and his then girlfriend. I can tell you for nothing, if he had been a dustman she would not have given him a second glance. I have no doubt that other blokes must have been as jealous as hell as he strolled along in his expensive Prada suit with his dolly on his arm. What they didn’t witness was the behind the scenes dramas where she was moaning at him all day to get her another glass of champagne while nagging and nagging in why he wouldn’t commit.
I can remember him looking at me embarrassed many times as she stamped her feet and he threw a little more cash at the problem to keep her sweet.
And then coming to chat to me instead. We laughed and talked of life and debated the issues. He was always more than the superficial stuff but he knew how to play that part. But he never played it with me. Ever. I didn’t need to be bought. I was always happy giving my time for free because he was always respectful to me and he always talked to me like I was a someone. Whenever I have been around him it has always felt like he felt lucky to know me and was just happy to get those odd moments with me. It’s nice to feel appreciated.

And I felt that as I stood in the forest and promptly said, “maybe another time”

to which he replied
“Ok, but I will keep asking”.

As I wandered away I thought about my dream and knew my response would continue to be the same.
Perhaps my dream is completely ridiculous and impossible. But I believe in it because more and more I believe in me. Maybe I will never reach it.
But I touched that dream for a brief moment once. Only I wasn’t ready for it.
I didn’t know how to be completely free in it.
Im rapidly remembering how to be that and how good it feels. I practically feel like I’m twenty years old again with all my new found energy.
And I don’t want anything to deviate me from that.
Because if I am lucky enough to have a moment like that again at some point in my future, this time I want to feel completely free and ready for it.

There’s always time to live your dreams ❤️

Argo fuck yourself.. I just want an easy life

The thing about being blonde with an accent like mine who likes to laugh is that people very often make an immediate assumption that you’re not as clever as them.

Argo fuck yourself! My new favourite phrase from the film Argo. I love watching films as opposed to tv. No relevance to this at all other than I believe I will be saying Argo fuck yourself inside quite a lot when the world starts turning again.
For the record it was a great film. High intensity the whole way through, and I felt completely invested in this crazy plan and wanting to see them safe and free. Loved it!

When I was in Italy a couple of years ago I was nicknamed Heidi. I knew how I was being seen. Like a simple girl as opposed to a real woman. The simple girl skipping around in her little shorts and top combo and dreamily swinging in the Italian sunshine.
I was excited in being in a world that felt like I’d checked into some kind of fantasy. Of course I was like a little girl. I felt like I was in a dream only it was reality. A perfect reality. I felt as free as a little Sparra. If I hadn’t been in such a daze and so fearful of spoiling it I think I would have been a whole lot more free.
Because there are many layers and elements to who I am. Just because I don’t overtly advertise them all does not mean that they don’t exist.

I’ve always loved looking for what is hidden beneath. That’s where all the magic lives. If it is all there laid out on the table then what’s left to imagine.

The thing is I loved Heidi when I was a kid. She was the free spirited girl who went to live in the mountains with her grandfather and loved the freedom in that. Until she was made to join a life of privilege as a friend to Clara who was wheelchair bound and lonely.
Heidi hated all the stupid rules and being told that she had to behave in a particular way. She felt stifled by it. They didn’t accept her as she was because she didn’t fit into their world. She didn’t want to just become what was expected of her by all those bossy grown ups and eventually she found herself back in the mountains.
And yet she and Clara found a perfect friendship. They were really good for each other and fitted together perfectly imperfectly in all their differences.
So I was completely happy to own that nickname in the version that sat with me knowing that the essence of me is exactly that free spirited girl that sits inside the woman.
They are one and the same and love to show their freeness in different ways in different moments.
Interestingly that name was said with affection once she got to know me. Another voice had provided a distorted version of me that inspired it. I will never really understand the need by confident influentials to make another feel small. I guess it makes them feel bigger. By nature I’m a lover not a fighter but I will always scrap it out if you hurt others I love, or if I feel there is some kind of bullying or injustice, or if you really hurt me. I’m never scared. But i would rather avoid it. I just don’t want the hassle.

In the end I always have trust in the fact that the real version will eventually be seen if a person really looks with their own eyes rather than those of another.
But if they can’t be bothered to look then I’m not interested in showing them.

Anyways I am feeling happy to play along with all those who love to talk down to people and drown out anyone else with a different point of view. I’m embracing my blonde bimbo who knows nothing. It feels peaceful.
Inside I know where I sit with different things.
My brain is ticking away with all sorts all the time. I care about the people I love and the big issues of life especially when they come down to voices being heard and people feeling that they have equal rights and opportunities in life. Bloody right. Who gave the right to anyone to dictate to another. The bottom line is that it all comes down to respect.
So I hear the voices that need to be and should to be heard and have something important to say. And turn down the volume button on the voices who are shouting loudly but aren’t really saying a thing.

For a moment I forgot how this game works. I found myself thinking that I was a grown up who had lived life and had a multitude of experiences that might add some wisdom and knowledge to the discussions. But I was reminded that just like when I was a kid, you either do as your told or you will be put in your place.
So now I’m playing my own game. And My game is called the Game of a happy life. I’ve been living like a child. Spending all my days playing in the forest and it is paying off. I can feel it fixing what has felt broken. Repairing all the damage that came from finding myself in a position of feeling completely powerless and trapped.
Keeping it simple and without all that white noise of all those who think they know better.
My tactic.. keeping my thoughts to myself unless they are with those I trust or the occasional release on my blog and paddle my own little canoe.
A little like when my girl was a baby and everyone was telling me how to be her mum. I just smiled, said “Thankyou, I’ll try that”
and then carried on exactly as I was. Only trying it on the very odd occasion usually when in a rare moment my mum made a suggestion that she knew would make a difference. Then I was all ears. She trusted me to just get on with it and when I look at my girl I feel like I must have got more right than wrong. She’s wonderful. And just like my mum I don’t feel the need to tell her what to do. She can do anything she wants if she wants to.

I realised that being rejected by my dad saved me from a lifetime of being bullied.
The effects of what came before being insecurities I have to constantly overcome but what came after being the a result of all my own successes and fuck ups.
Sometimes I call them fuck ups but the longer I watch them play out the more wise I feel in those risks. Following my heart is easier to bear than to not. Sometimes practicalities get in the way but I plan to overcome those too.
I’m a good bean as I’ve been told by a friend and it feels good to remember that the loss was definitely my dads and not mine.

So my energy is being spent on the people who I care about but care about me back. Feeling less and less worried every day in being rejected. Knowing that I deserve people who care about me too. That see me, feel me and love me for the girl I am in all my imperfections.
And if they don’t then their loss.
I deserve better.

So while the world spins around in all its craziness and uncertainty the girl and the woman in me are starting to come together in all their different colours and shades. Wishing to create happiness. There are of course undoubtedly battles that lie ahead, and I’m a human who feels the hurt, but until I’m there and facing them I think I’m going to just enjoy this moment. Because no matter who loves me or who doesn’t I have found that love for myself .. and right now the simple girl is lying underneath a tree in the evening sunshine feeling the gentle cooling breeze on my skin and loving the easy life.

With “a little bit of class” anything is possible

As I finish my furlough time I find myself preparing to start balancing through the next part of this show. I know that things will now start to get a little tougher. I took a deep breathe as I put my head in my hands in hearing telephone conversations of professional gambling.
But I stand resolute in my own task at hand.
Ready to get back on the tightrope again but with more confidence in myself.
Not quite putting myself straight out in the middle yet. I hear the sun will shine next week so a Monday and Tuesday feels sufficient just to steady myself. I took some leave which will give me the rest of the week on my bike hopefully in that promised sun. I’ve got the taste for my imaginary life and I’m just hanging onto it for a moment longer, before I work towards making it a reality.

But as I prepare my head to be in the place required to get back on that wire I found just what I needed. How do I find the right thing in the right moment as I take these steps. It’s the magic for sure. It finds me.

I found myself feeling like Monsieur imaginamagique. MIM
The tight rope walking Bichon Frise from my imagination who is in fact in reality, I find out, Philippe Petit. He is now my all time hero and inspiration in life. Turns out there is absolutely nothing crazy about taking risks and wishing to live life like you’re alive.
Man on Wire.
I could not have followed on any more perfectly from my last song choice which was given to me by girl.

Those lyrics resonating on every single level in what that film represented for me. My girl was born 6 weeks after the tragedy of the terrorist attack that saw those twin towers fall.
That sane day becoming my last day at work where the domino effect in those towers collapsing caused a sudden panic in London. Talk in the city of a similar attack heading our way. All of us being sent home from our plush financial office opposite St Paul’s Cathedral. I remember running along the road to Liverpool Street station heavily pregnant and trying to keep up.
A few days after I sat crying in my ante natal check up in feeling so scared and sad in bringing a new life into a world where so many terrible things happen.
A moment of overwhelming realisation in being responsible for another life in this world.

18 years later I still feel that same responsibility in helping her find her way. The uncertainty of what lies ahead. After all her efforts to get a university place only to know that perhaps this virus could crush her dreams.
Saving all my positive energy for her. Her little dream hanging precariously in the breeze like that arrow carrying the wire as it was fired across from one tower to the other.

I won’t lie I’m finding it difficult to really understand any of this anymore. None of the rules making any sense at this point. All contradicting each other. Does anyone get it?
But taking each day like a gift of time and not having any expectation in that.
Knowing who and what I love in this life even if very often they sit in dreams rather than reality. In a life of uncertainty my heart is always the constant that provides certainty of feeling. We can never be certain if we are important to others but I am always certain in who is important to me.

In moments like this I wish I were rich. That I had money to throw at things. It definitely helps. Being able to provide more choices and opportunities in the many eventualities of what lies ahead.
I’ve heard now of quite a few financial struggles from different people I know. This is very real for many people.

But then I think of all the different times In life that i have muddled through, doing all different jobs to get by.
I don’t mind what I do. I’ve been thinking over the last couple of days about all the different times through my life that people have looked down on me or put me down in thinking they are better just because of what they do, or how much money they have, or how educated they are. Class appears to be invisible and yet i have felt the effects of it a lot in my life especially in times I have tried to be more. Working in places where those from more privileged backgrounds have been the majority. I could provide a million examples in how differently they treated me just based on how I speak or where I’m from or in not quite having the right look, or the right education or not carrying myself in the right way. Having to fight and work that bit harder to be recognised as opposed to breezing through on the back of contacts and being accepted by the right people. Feeling their little bit of power in making me look small so they would look tall.

And then thinking how proud I am in knowing how hard I have always worked for every little I have ever had. All the sacrifices I have had to make in life. How many times I had to swallow my pride and take those put downs, or sitting in the outside, and doing so because I was trying for more. That not retaliating wasn’t a sign of my weakness and their strength,  but a necessity in being able to continue to move forward.

No one has ever handed a thing to me until this last 3 weeks. A gift of free time. Time given to me for free. I now know how that feels.
I am starting to realise how much I have actually achieved in life through various struggles even though perhaps it’s not reflected  in certificates or things. Knowing I have the ability to be whatever is required.

And what of all the little things that I have tried to do through my girls 18 years that helped her. Just in being a mum.
Always trying my hardest in the limitations of who I am and what I have.
I’ve never been afraid to get my hands dirty. My roots always coming through in moments like this in doing whatever it takes to survive.
And if all else fails just loving with all my heart.
There’s some power in that I can tell you.
And al the while having integrity. Never walking over anyone to get what I want. Always genuine in my care and always being kind. As me and my mate L said today.. since when did being kind become a new thing  and when I ask How are you? I’ve always cared what the response was.

And I find myself today feeling so proud in who my girl is too. Not needing her to be anything beyond that.
Who she is in all her down to earth amazing is magnificent.

Yesterday she came back from a trip to Tesco’s with her mate with a bunch of red roses for me. For no other reason than she knows I love em.
And in my world that’s what they call “a little bit of class.” And with that anything is possible.


Happy Hiding

I have always been a party girl in the purest sense of the word. I love to dance, I love music, I love laughing and I love fun.
You dont normally have to ask me twice to go out. I’m usually up for it and always knowing how to have fun and how to enjoy myself. And feeling like i want others to do the same. Life is always better if everyone is happy.
But always underneath being the girl who cares about the bigger things in life. The stuff that really matters. Trying to always look out for others, especially those who struggle. Whether they are people I know or strangers. I have a code and I try to live by it.

I was sitting in my tree house earlier thinking about the summer holidays when I was a kid. It pretty much looked exactly like this lockdown every single year. I never went anywhere, or saw anyone beyond my own family, and the biggest excitement was going to the local coop to get the shopping or blackberry picking in the woods.

How I laughed my head off when a friend showed me a leaflet from a private school who were advertising a clap for children for all their bravery. Recognising their efforts in managing the ordeal of being off school, not being able to visit relatives and having no friends to play with.

I felt slightly cheated. Unlike them I was forced to visit relatives I didn’t really know, didn’t want to kiss and sit around for hours indoors as they small talked. Thank goodness I was a dreamer. Perhaps I deserve a retrospective clap for surviving that.

The point is that what they described was just normal life.

As a kid I was really happy in the freedom to do my own thing. Freedom to do as I pleased and go where I wanted. Just be back before it gets dark was the only instruction. What a lovely feeling freedom is. Mostly no one knew where I was or what I was up to. I had my various jobs through the years but I earnt some money and I enjoyed them. Moving along to new things all the time as I got bored with doing the same thing. Life in the summer was about what I wanted to make it and it could be anything.
Sometimes I wished for friends to share moments with but I didn’t really have many other than my friend JH whose garden I used to camp in and play with her rabbits. Was that just 1 year. I think it was but I always remember it.
Anyways I think those summers were where the party girl was created. I never got invited to many parties at school. I didn’t have the right image. older brother hand me down clothes and a Princess Diana haircut that I begged for but didn’t quite have the same effect at my mum’s hands made me the Tom boy in comparison to all the pretty dress girls with long hair. I never had a birthday party myself but I always imagined. So I used to create pretend parties for myself with invisible friends. Saving up pennies and investing them in Mini iced gems and jammy smiley face biscuits as my party snacks. Arranging them neatly in little bowls.
Recording the top forty off the radio on the Sunday night so I had up to date party music, and making pass the parcels with some old crap from my room and newspapers. Prizes that no one wanted to win but it didn’t matter because I always won.
Paper cut out kids lying around my floor as guests that were a bit flat in creating atmosphere. But as it was all in my own head it didn’t matter. I saw the party play out in every detail as I bit the bottom biscuit off an iced gem and then ate mini rock hard swirly icing which was the best bit.

Funny how at the beginning of this lockdown I attended an imaginary party with my friend and our respective crews. One of my highlights of this whole thing even though I was in a room all by myself.

I saw one of my best friends Boozy yesterday.
I love her so much because she is as much fun as I can imagine and also very real. There’s no bull shit or pretence. She is one of the most loveliest people you could ever wish to know. I always say it but I’m really lucky with the friends I have. Down to Earth, genuine, completely loyal, do anything for anyone and can make anything feel like the most fun you ever had. Total heart of gold and proper rock star. The ultimate party girl and my Ibiza mate. I Trust her in every possible way.
We talked about our next trip to Ibiza. One of several trips there with different people over the next few years. The promise of a chilled out vibe being exactly what I’m looking for in life and where I’m at my happiest. I’ll find the money I need.

We laughed as we had a moment of forest style Ibiza as a cow strolled across our picnic mat as we were sitting there drinking out of date Buck’s Fizz. In our crazy mayhem attempt at getting out of the way, boozy pulled me over.
Like slow motion as I remembered that night in the Ibiza rain, and starting laughing. The cow must have wondered what was going on as he stood on my picnic mat. I could not stop laughing. Tears running down my face. On this occasion I managed not to knock myself out under water and instead ended up with a massive bruise on my leg. It was worth it. I hadn’t laughed so much in 13 weeks. I needed it. I love love love to laugh. It’s the best release for everything.

Today I went for a walk and found the sun shining again. I feel so lucky in being able to do whatever I want even though I’ve started to feel this time running out and wanting to rewind it. Hoping desperately that they extend me for a little longer. I could do this forever. Someone paying me to just be happy. Perfect!
As I have always done I looked up at the sky and saw all its fluffy clouds. Totally could jump across those with my friend.

I sat down for a while and read my book before my friend rang. Haven’t spoken to him for while. It was so nice to hear his voice and respond. I’ve kept myself to myself a lot during this period. Just my few best mates for company in messages and I saw my friend L a couple of weeks ago for a little walk. A few people telling me to connect on social media but I just can’t feel it. After being bombarded from day 1 with an overload of we need to stay connected, I felt myself pulling in the opposite direction and wanting to disconnect. I have hidden from the majority of media since about week 4. It felt like an invasion.
I’m aware that by not joining in I get left out. But that style of communication just isnt me. I need real people or nothing at all.

Anyways this particular friend that I was chatting to has been the person I have spoken to most during this period. Why? Because I feel like I can just be me. I don’t have to be perfect or never get it wrong and there are no rules.
I didn’t even see the time tick past. Who knows what I was rambling on about but I felt happy. Random conversations about everything and nothing. I never find myself feeling awkward or wondering what to say next, even though Ive never been very good at talking on the phone either. Obviously I feel better if I can see someone’s eyes.

Right at the end we started chatting about something that maybe should have been kept for another day when I could see them. Sensitive subjects that feel close to my heart. When I really care I can feel quite emotional in that and find it difficult to hide.
I never really talk about this kind of stuff to other people. Keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself because people don’t usually care or they aren’t interested in a different point of view.
But this friend does care. They listen and care about my thoughts just as I really care about theirs.
But this chat was definitely not chat for the party.
I ended up feeling sad. Feeling like I didn’t have the ability to change a single thing and on top of that feeling like I had ruined a rare moment with someone else that I feel really happy being around.

As I walked back I was thinking to myself that when the shopping malls reopen again life will continue on as normal and that fashion in kindness will probably disappear. Replaced by fashionable new outfits for fancy nights out. That social conscience for five minutes becoming old news as people celebrate their new found meaning to life which will duly be reported on their face book pages.
The new improved competition in post lockdown lives. This is how you party! No this is how you party!
I find myself wishing to hang back and lockdown for as long as possible. I know I have to rejoin the party at some point but I’d rather create my own.

I was left holding my naivety in wishing for a better world for me and others in favour of accepting the inevitable of the same.

When the party is in full swing I will slip in and hide somewhere in amongst the crowd.

As for my friend. I felt sad in ending the conversation by not just saying that I was hopeful. But instead feeling that despite all my care and passion I didn’t have that hope and belief that the world will change and care about those that sit at the bottom.

When I woke up this morning my girl had randomly sent me this tune. I found it so beautiful in what I know is sitting inside of her right now and also when I thought about the bigger picture. It never ceases to amaze me in how all these little things connect together.

Right now in this moment I wish with all my heart that my friends hope will prevail.
Never would I be so very happy to be so very wrong.



Divide and Conquer

I have been writing so much. None of which is making it to my blog and all of it about current events. Feeling angry every time I write something. Knowing If I deviate from the popular thinking I will be labelled and flogged. Judgement passed in a second by those who shout ignorance.
We are all ignorant in what we don’t know about.

It makes me feel sick thinking of a man being held down with a knee on his neck and not being able to breathe. Like an animal.
I have found it hard to watch. Seeing it once was enough to cement it into my mind. How angry I feel that things like this happen and have happened for so long.
What is this world? Who are we? The most intelligent species? I question that often.
When I stop to think of the horrific injustices that are constantly happening in this world we live in, it often feels too much to bear.
If we dig deep in to the fabric of our societies we would find so many horrors that never make it into our consciousness and yet happen every single day while we get on with our lives. Where have those in charge been in solving the issues surrounding all those young black kids who die every day and we hear about in a muffled voice but never make it to the front page of our papers. Victims of the life they have been dealt and the lack of opportunities. Our media with their cynical smiles being given a gift in a time when the world stopped and once again allowing them to spin a story in whichever way they choose.

I have so many thoughts regarding those at the top of the ladder in positions of power and influence and those at the bottom who often end up fighting with each other. How sad that makes me.

How much It makes me want to rip the lid off this corrupt and one sided system that uses people as pawns in its game to always keep hold of its power.
When that pandemic hit the people in charge were completely clueless. They had absolutely no idea how to deal with it. Making it up as they went along.
These well paid and educated people having no control over any of it. Absolutely no plan. Yes it’s unprecedented but don’t leaders have sone contingency plan for all eventualities. Disaster plans? Obviously not. Thank god for the NHS who walked us through it.

Peoples frustration has been building and building and yet not quite getting to that point. And then an event that took place across the Atlantic and was felt across the world.
And yet here I sit this afternoon reading George Orwell’s 1984 knowing how scarily it represents the world we live in despite being written 70 years ago.

This uprising, this call again for change by the black community. The powers that be know exactly how to deal with this. They have many many years of practice and experience in swerving responsibility and action.
Years of absolutely no change reflect that. The haves and the have nots.
The have nots certainly not living amongst the power and influence.
Listen to the voices of our leaders. How many of them look or sound like you?

In Covid 19 we were united in our disbelief and confusion in how badly it was all handled. You could tell they were on the ropes with so many questions being asked of them and having nowhere to hide. The frustrations and anger growing and growing in an awareness of the absolute inequity in this country and this world.
Realising who the essential workers are.
And then suddenly they found a shield to hide behind. The one they have used for centuries and I watch playing out at it has in the past.
Seeing those in charge rush to show their solidarity and make minor concessions in things that weren’t in their minds before but suddenly become so very important to them. As though they had already thinking this way all along. They didn’t care. If they had then changes would have happened many years ago and none of this would be happening because George and others that care before him would still be alive.

So where to place the blame. Let’s throw the focus on those So called “uneducated and ignorant people”Those same people who are just pawns in this privileged system and are also let down. And who exactly has labelled them as uneducated and ignorant? And who cares about what their lives look like?
The cynic in me says that it pays to keep them as “ignorant” so they can always be the fall guy as the media whip up some racial tensions between the people so they fight amongst themselves. The far right parties cashing in on a moment like this in their search for power and preying on those who are scared and unheard. Making them feel like they will look after them. That they represent them. They don’t give a shit either. They have their own agendas of hate and power. Speaking for others as though they are reflective of their voices. I know their voices and they sound nothing like that.

It feels text book as those institutions government, media, marketing and business come together.. their common purpose to appease the angry and raging mob. But rather than throwing themselves in their own swords they will throw those disposables at the bottom to them. Leaving them to fight it out amongst themselves while they continue on in their privileged worlds.
To even dare to question that powerful machine will leave you open to be ripped apart.
You don’t stand a chance.

How I wish that one day all those people that fight with each other will come together, recognising the value and beauty in all their similarities and differences and demand better for each other.
Right now it feels like they play into the hands of all those with their own agendas. The extreme right wing rubbing their hands together at this gifted opportunity in playing on the fears of those who are struggling.
Those little insulting changes I keep seeing from people in those institutions who are only scared in protecting their own positions and covering their own arses than really making a difference.

Real change requires us to smash down what has existed forever and start all over again.
Something that reflects the voices of everyone not just that privileged few. Institutions that are made to give everyone opportunities. And when I say everyone I mean everyone. Not everyone except you.
Real change comes from the top and while all the same people sit up there in their ivory towers looking after themselves whilst those at the bottom fight amongst each other in their struggles we will never see the change we so desperately need.
And I so wish to see it.
How beautiful it would be to be able to come together to celebrate all of our differences rather than fight in them.
Divide and Conquer has been a method used for many years. And it appears it works.

It”s a weird life!

A few people have said to me how weird life is feeling. Right now I am spending the majority of my life sitting in trees in the forest writing and reading George Orwell. That feels pretty weird even if I am starting to feel like I’m more sane and calm than I’ve felt my whole life.

Tonight my girl cried into my arms as her realisation in what this whole situation is finally caught up with her. It’s been a very long time coming and has taken the tension of a virus pandemic and black lives matter protests to shed those tears.

Sitting there chatting about her first time out in ages with a few of her friends and sharing the tik tok they made. Until she suddenly shared the feeling that life used feel better.
“When was it better?” I asked.
“When nanny was still alive ” she said as she started to cry. Her tears fuelling mine.

Her sadness also triggered in seeing her grandad yesterday who won’t take any care of himself despite efforts to help him. As my girl said “ he just looks so broken and doesn’t even hide it from me now.” This virus being the final straw for him. He looks so ill and can barely stand or walk and yet he insists that he reopens the shop that makes no money. In fact the shop that loses money. The heartbreak in remembering who He used to be. It leaves me wishing I could make it all better for everyone but just not having that power. So instead I play the role of trying to hold things together in some way by filling the gaps that they would all fall through.
From the outside people probably have all sorts of versions of what this set up is. I don’t even know other than I know I make a difference in just being around. Caring about others beyond my own wants and needs and realising that to do any different would make me, not me. Yes this feels like a weird life.
I believe that my life will change at some point, who knows when, at which time I’m getting a dog 😊 but right now I’m where I am meant to be.

What’s more somehow my girl has turned in to me asking her grandad if he needs someone to talk to. That she wants to help him. Let me clean the shop. Let me sit at the till. Let me help you. Just caring about him and not wanting to see him sad.
She is a girl who is really proud of her roots.
He in turn is so proud of her. She is the first person in both of our families to be gong to university. And going to do something she loves. Dancing and singing. It feels like she is a superstar before she even starts.

“I hope there are some normal people there” she says to which I respond “what’s a normal person?”

When I think how people from my background are often depicted, I find myself feeling very protective of what it actually is. Knowing that most of the time I feel like I neither fit here or fit there. Falling somewhere in the middle in lonerville. Knowing my girl is the reason for every single choice I make.
Thinking of people who are very quick to judge but don’t really understand.
Kindness for others is in our blood and everything comes from the heart. I think that’s the normal my girl was talking about. I hope she finds that there too.