To not be judged, controlled, pushed and pulled to fit another’s expectations.
To be in charge of yourself, your choices, who you want to be without fear of being ridiculed or told that you’re just not good enough.
From feeling as free as a bird, I stepped into another’s persons world where freedom is completely lacking in every sense to the point of fear, which left me feeling their enormous frustration and anger.
What is it in us humans that makes us think we have a right to be in charge of another whatever age we or they are. The results of all those judgements is a person who neither trusts others or themselves.
Success and failure. Who dictates what that is? I find myself laughing at that concept because its so meaningless.
A zest for just for living life. What category does that fit in and yet for me it feels fundamental to everything else.
If you live a whole life based on success only, then how will you ever grow, evolve, become who you want to be.
This constant pressure to succeed drives that fear of failure. That fear alone removes all the joys of what life holds.
I find myself thinking about my final attempt at something I need to write. A teeny tiny part of a journey I took myself on. I started it without a thought in the world of where it might take me. The lazy river ride I enthusiastically got on only to find I’d walked into the wrong entrance and was actually on crazy rapids spinning round and round in my rubber ring out of control only to fall backwards down the slide, holding on for dear life.
Why was I holding on so tightly. What did it matter if I fell out of the ring and got lost under the water. I would have found my way back up to the surface again.
Failure is holding less and less fear for me because it allows me to rethink or change direction or find a new ride to embark on.
What is this constant requirement to have a plan that needs to be executed perfectly.
And when that plan is dictated by another it can feel overwhelmiing, impossible and like your thoughts have no value.
Take it from me. You have value, You are the success and the absolute very best…
And you don’t need to do a single thing other than be just as you are!
Beneath the early morning glow of the sun emerged the most perfectly complete, simple, genuine, fun, happy, uninhibited, bubbly, energetic and carefree girl. She is always there in her world but everything about this world gave her exactly what she needed to be completely present and visible. Smiling and laughing as if she were enjoying herself with friends. Spinning and running with her arms outstretched as if flying,. Her head back and eyes closed feeling the full force of the wind in her hair and the sun on her face and breathing it all in. Leaping and jumping like a little springy lamb, balancing on rocky walls and scampering over obstacles like a playful squirrel. And with music in her ears dancing like she was in the greatest music video never to be made. Passing the odd person without hiding her smiles or her twirls or her arms in the air. They looked across and smiled back. It was the most free she had felt and it was simply incredible. In that first walk she just got it.
Of just being.
She was everything that she is and wants to be. Nothing more nothing less.. And it was absolutely enough in every single possible way.
The magic of freedom!
It never ceases to amaze me how life fits together in ways that are so coincidental but so connected that it leaves me permanently thinking.. is the whole of my life mapped out for me already? Am I constantly being signposted through the maze by magical and insignificant occurrences that are like breadcrumbs to the next destination. And if not, well I love them anyways. They are the exciting clues in the greatest treasure hunt ever which always ends up at destination smiles.
What a crazy, beautiful, warm, strange, fantastical, fun little world of chaos and fantasy that lives behind what everyone sees. As I travel on the train, to an actual destination of seaside for 3 days I find myself looking at the sunny world passing outside my window. I have often felt that pressure to fit in or adjust my world to fit with the massive.
Sometimes it has felt like if everyone else is singing the same lyrics they must be right and mine must be wrong. But I resist. And I wonder.. is it because like a big pink fluffy candy floss that mine
might be very deliciously bright and colourful and have no other purpose than to be just that. Maybe my lyrics aren’t meant to make sense.
Perhaps it’s not substantial enough for the massive as you taste its sweetness for a moment and then it melts and disappears.. but for me there is so much in those moments.
And If you want to take a walk just for a moment inside my mind to see how it feels then this is one strand of nothing and everything…
… I learnt about the cream content of French butter, I read something that made me laugh about sex and cats, my colleague mentioned a cafe she went to with her boyfriend which was filled with cats. It reminded me of cheese scones. A French man I once knew well talked to me at a party. I’d forgotten how sexy his accent was. I cannot remember a word he has ever said to me but it always sounded lovely. He reminded me of nibbles. I was thinking about primal responses and was given a lifetime of adventure. A night of booze and chat made me question what is good for me. Both “good and bad”. A little lonely person rocked me and my world greatly and I thought of a bigger person who rocks my world and embraces lonely. I went on a lazy river of discovery where I saw a very strange and different source of cheese that left me chuckling for days. I also found a comfortability in being able to say anything and everything and not worry. I connected Jerry to cheese..I saw the sunshine in soft and it made me proud. I went to see some magic.. it reminded me how I love sex because of the freeness of feeling. I cheekily created mischief on my family group chat.. and got the response I looked for. I met Tom. I was drawn to his childlike openness. He said you’re so pretty like I was 12 years old and that I had soft and beautiful eyes. I saw how easily I am captured by a Tom cat.
I was tempted for a second and it disappeared a moment later.
As I travelled home I told Jerry all about it.
I saw a little man. He asked if I thought he was bad. I told him he was magic so he introduced me to his imaginary friend and I introduced him to mine.
I looked into those soft eyes last night and finally knew they deserved everything they were looking for.
And so my search for cheese continues by the sea …
Omg WEATHER!!! 😊 and this week… today.. I’m totally feeling it. Not only feeling it but having had just one hour of work, it is now mine. While I make my way to sunfilled skies whilst stuck behind the dustcart what better way to past time than to capture this magic feeling. Yep that journey from darkness back to raging sunlight was worth the pain. As K said, it will just make the light feel even brighter!!! You ain’t wrong babe.
This sunshine is dreamy and reflects my love for my beautiful L whose birthday it is today. What a special day that is … even without the Magic of Mite later. Not a single balloon will be seen gorgeous. Only my invisible red one.
I am so full of feeling like a bubbly little cocktail of fun and I think it is because last night I really recognised the amazing ness of being soft. A word that I and others have used about me as though it is a flaw. .. but like the delicate but heated rays of the sun, real strength shows itself with a light and golden touch.
Yesterday I sat in a room with my alpha male superhero league.
There is so much going on for us. Everyone is feeling the strain and take it from me, these guys are made of proper tough stuff.
But when I walked in that room despite the air of fearless testosterone that is always present I could feel something strangely different.
So I checked in after them and my boss called me out on it in the room. For a moment I wanted the ground to open up. We are tight, I trust them.
But the soft one ..Again! .. the girl who is fluffy and caring. That’s the label for a woman who is weak… isn’t it?
And yet in that moment I felt like I suddenly became the strongest person in that room. Because in saying how I had felt the room turned into something else. Superman told me after that it allowed him just for a moment to expose a little of his vulnerability.
When I think of his invincibility and commanding presence, having a moment of permission to remember and share an unimaginable sadness revealed him as the strongest I had ever seen him.
I fear my softness as it leaves me vulnerable but I don’t see it as a label of weakness. Despite the fact that the place to be now is “strong and powerful”. What exactly is that? in the modern world of women it can sometimes feel as though anything less than being just like a man means that you are feeble.
So then what does being a strong woman mean? Being in charge of yourself? Having the power to direct a group or a person to your way of thinking and being?
How does that show itself?
Sometimes it feels like it is now only seen in one way in women. And unfortunately it appears that it is only in those who show it through an outward kickass confidence. Often I see that play out in manipulating others lack of it and are just looking for acceptance. Isn’t that in fact satisfying some insecurity in themselves by making them feel stronger and more important.
I mean Insecurities.. we all bloody have them. However much we might try and hide them or pretend they don’t exist.
You don’t??? I don’t believe you!!!!
So if that is what power and strength is then frankly you can keep it. I don’t want it.
Perhaps I may never command a room with my presence, or sway people with my views, or have people falling over themselves to know me or have the ability to control others.
But I don’t want it or need it.
I am in the main in charge of myself faults an all. But I definitely care about others too. This life isn’t all about me.
And In being SOFT it provided safety for a room of powerful giants to just be themselves. If only for a relieving second.
I would much rather have that kind of influence than an ability to control or command. And for those that think that makes me weak.. well you can stick that where the sun don’t shine 😘
Because today I am a soft bubbly cocktail of powerful sunlight.
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. So important was this friend that he was always somewhere in the mix even though not part of the main show. He would get a seat next to me on the bus, a seat at the dinner table and our best and most rich chats would be at the bottom of my bed in the middle of the night when no one was around.
Jerry knew everything. All my dreams but also the stuff that I hid from everyone else.
But I always seemed to get into more mischief when he was around and of course when inevitably I got into trouble I would say “Jerry made me do it”. Sometimes I would argue with him when he didn’t want to do what I wanted but mainly I would giggle quietly and whisper about stuff.
I never reveal the identity of the people I love by name in my blog but I’m going to make an exception on this occasion because even the name feels important. Jerry. Named so because I loved the cartoon Tom and Jerry. And I loved Jerry.
He was cute, lovable, mischievous, independent and was too clever for that cat. Jerry was a ducker and diver who took risks, sometimes got caught but always managed to wriggle out of it, taking the cheese with him and leaving Tom feeling like a fool.
I have no idea how I remember this but Jerry had a friend called nibbles. Left on Jerry’s doorstep out of nowhere one day. When a thought popped into my head yesterday I started to remember two episodes that I watched. I looked them up and laughed so much at what I saw. I remembered roughly what they were about but not the details which hit me in terms of the relevance of where my thought had taken me.
What would a real version of Jerry look like. Sounds ridiculous right. Well When I watched these short clips it didn’t look quite so ridiculous as it sounded. Not least because I could not have felt more like nibbles. Touché.
In the search for cheese many simple adventures unfolded.
What relevance does this have on who I am.
I don’t know. I’m trying to make the connections.,
Fantasy adventure fun danger and puremess of a childlike heart are in the mix for sure.
I’m not even sure if the relevance matters. There was something quite lovely in thinking that perhaps Jerry was in fact not just a figment of my imagination.
I have found myself reading my own posts tonight as if trying to inspire myself, remind myself of exactly who I am. As if searching for something that will show me where I’m supposed to go or where I belong.
As I read my thoughts of being on fire, magic in the world, quiet superhero, happy confidence dreamy rain, I thought ..Where has that girl been over the last couple of days?
Numb, angry and sad engulfed me and I don’t like feeling that way.
I had felt so happy, so light and suddenly my world had felt very heavy and draining.
Something rocked me to the very core of who I am as a human. At the most basic and stripped back level. And made me think..
Who do I want to be? What does a life mean to me? What part do I want to play in this world?
And I won’t lie, the easy happy fun route was looking very appealing from where I was sitting.
I have a version of me that fits that like a perfect rainbow coloured glove. I know exactly how to live that way and it is beautiful and of course is filled with people who want to live in it with me. Because it has lots of smiles and laughs and light.
I want that so much and I could so easily have it all the time If I just gave up on the things that make it darker and much harder. Because my heart feels like it magnifies everything by a million. Where others can remove themselves slightly I seem to let myself take the full force as I wander in heart wide open.
And yet, despite how much it hurts me it’s not enough for me to just take that easy life. I often think.. Am I right for this? Maybe not if I think about it from a self perspective. Fluffy was never really gonna cut it when it comes to darkness. But when I turn it round, then I think, Yes I am. Because I care more than anyone would ever realise. It’s inbuilt, instinctive and natural. There is nothing pretend about it. It really is love in its purest form. And I’m glad I’m made that way. Even if at times it feels difficult.
And what I finally realised while I was cleaning my bathroom tonight was this most wonderful, special, magical moonbeam that rocked my world has made me see that isolation and sadness may come as part of the package for trying to be something more than I ever thought possible.
Perhaps success and riches will show themselves to me in a way that has more value beyond what anyone else will ever see or care about. Perhaps my dream is to live in what is not and try as hard as I possibly can to create a dream within that.
Right at this second that is feeling a little impossible for me but perhaps nothing is impossible if you really believe. And I so want to believe. I just need a little help from people who love me, to find the extra strength to make it possible.
Because as a friend said to me “ I know I can do this”
Love is the only thing of any real value.
I just sat and watched a Disney movie right after receiving a warm and loving cuddle from my girl before I came home.
I watched it because I needed something magical and fantastical in a way that childhood should be.
Where dreams beyond your imagination can come true.
Fantasies of princesses, wizards, mystical creatures and lands at the end of rainbows.
The sadness that sits out there in beautiful young hearts could drown a person and every tear I am crying is made from love and they are all for you tonight.
How I wish I had that magic wand and you could tell me everything that you wish for.