Drained of sparkle

Tonight I saw my friend. It was so lovely seeing her. She has a specialness that means such a lot to me. She filled my evening with her wonderful magic which carried me home.

Something about the past month or so has drained all my sparkle.
It feels like it has sucked it out of me. Like I was full of it when I started something. I had it by the bucket load. What had felt like an adventure filled with dreamy magic feels like the opposite of that now, in my realisations of what I didn’t know at the time. I think perhaps it was easier when I thought I had imagined it.

On my way home tonight my girl sent me a quote. She has seen my sadness but doesn’t know why.

When I told her who I was with she said “say I said hi. And I think she is nice and Thankyou for being a good friend to you.

The quote she sent me

“Sometimes you need to burn bridges to stop you crossing them again”

I’m not sure what it is that she sees but she can obviously feel my hurt.

What she doesn’t know is that burning bridges is exactly what I do to stop other people from being able to cross and hurt me.

I wish it didn’t hurt me but it just did.

Firestarter

The power of love.. until you stomp all over my values. You lit It now feel my fire.
While the sun was shining at 35 degrees I was like a 1000 degree bubbling volcano ready to explode. What lit that fire.
Equality… people’s worth whoever they are and wherever they come from. Equality is equality. Not everyone except for you. Everyone!!!!
I started on my own road to realising my own worth. I was offered paid employment where I have been working for the past 2 years. Ive worked my arse off for that and I’m deserving of it. I don’t expect anything to be handed to me on a silver platter. Everything I am and everything I do is backed up by hard work and determination.
Give me the opportunities and I’ll show you what I’m made of.
That’s the way it works for me. Pushing through others judgements to get to where I want to get to without using or squashing others en route. I call it integrity. This is just the start of my push to make a better life for me and my girl and I have a raging fire in me to do it but not just for me. I’m in it for others otherwise its completely meaningless.
If I’m going to be recognised for my worth I certainly want to bring others with me. We can all be more than what we are given.

Having finally released all my miss angry over the last few posts along with 1 therapy session with J and a scamper along like a ten year old with not my dog Miss L I’m back in chilled out waters.
But the fire was lit by thoughts of equality and people’s worth.
I don’t think J knew what had hit her when I trotted in with talks of racism, sexism and the epic disgrace and tragedy of a society where kids killing kids is hidden somewhere behind other nonsense. This should be black and white front page news every single day of the week where everyone is screaming what the hell is going wrong here. How do we fix this? We need to fix this. One kids life is too many. What are the inequalities that drive that?
I see this as the single most important thing happening right now and should be sending shockwaves through every one of us in thinking what part are we playing in this.
I could ramble on about why I feel so strongly about this but the bottom line is the concept of being sidelined for not fitting with an idea of what has value. They find themselves with having nothing better to aim for so are caught in the trap of a place where they feel wanted, belong and are given status.
Nothing to do with you?
Then ask yourself.. who are all those “cool kids” in 35 degree heat playing in the snow. Those other kids are part of the machine that gets it there. Those “cool kids”fun and party is those other kids route to a pound note or a concrete slab. Have a great high.
Fear dictates so carrying for protection is high.
These things are only norms if we accept them rather than screaming out actually all our kids matter.
We all fucking matter. All of us!!!
Aren’t we all worth just as much as the next person.
Rather than those who think they are better sitting in judgement but being part of the problem. We are all part of the problem because we don’t demand better for everyone.
Why do we have those beautiful million pound houses on one side of the road and the poor estate sitting on the other side.
While yummy mummies are drinking their mocha lattes before yoga there are other mummies trying to make ends meet with 3 jobs whilst trying to help their kids find better opportunities
Do I have the answers? I wish. I wish I could wave a wand and make that right but I think it takes a whole nation to stand up and say what do we want our landscape to look like. Just one for the privileged few.? Closed eyes for what does not fit our own little beautiful worlds.
I count myself in this too. How easy it is to get wrapped up in the day to day looking to have fun and pleasure in this one life we are given. But how does a life time worth of pleasure equate to a 14 years end…
The victims are beyond the victims. These kids are born into a world that puts them in the scrap heap before they start. Segregating what fits to the mainstream and what sits outside it. Good schools for the privileged and then whatever for the others.
Are we so loving of a pound note now that we value it more than life.
Another beautiful day in the sunshine. I’m sure I will fill it with my own brand of wonder and magic but the magic I would really love to see is a world where everyone’s life is valued equally.
Eutopian dream maybe.. but if we aren’t striving for that then someone tell me what’s the point!.

Only time will tell

A new week. I’m wondering how it could be July.
This time last year I had just finished something that changed my whole life. I was completely battered and bruised but so grateful for the magical time I had and for the wonderful people I had met. It had been so hard but it was all about the friends I had made.
One year on it all looks so very different.
I found out how I was bitched about by the little privileged girl who didn’t want me as part of the friendship group she wanted.
And in her moment of meanness she trampled over my dream which was already crumbling.
Like a repeat of being a kid. I was vulnerable back then and was probably walking in very similar shoes. What a learning lesson to your past.
I think I may sound like a bitch in this post. I’m not. Never have been. But I’m giving myself a moment to say It like it is and that actually it wasn’t fucking cool, you kicked someone when they were down and it fucking hurt.

So if I felt like the slightly misfit but very enthusiastic kid I was at school I wonder who she was back then.
Im imaging she had it her way her whole life. Always getting exactly what she wanted. It’s all about success and winning. I wonder if she was told.. there are winners and losers. You have to be the best. And then judged and judged and judged in whether she was the best. Anything less was not enough. Could be wrong but that’s totally my take.

When I started that journey it felt like the biggest opportunity I ever had. I never went to college or university. It wasn’t an option. I had waited for such a long time to do what a lot of those people regarded as this little course.
It meant everything to me. I was wishing for it to be this most wonderful experience of learning and making true and genuine life long friends and becoming qualified to do something. It meant the world to me.
Meanwhile on the other side miss privilege could do whatever she wanted. Money talks in this world. It’s amazing how much it buys beyond stuff. I have no doubt that she was all well intentioned in doing good or maybe it was a break from the boredom of school runs but she had no concept of what it might be like for that not to be a given. To not have money to have those choices. I had built up for ages to get to that moment in being able to afford to do something I wanted and would probably not have such an opportunity again.
I wanted it to be really special.
And she came along like some spoilt and selfish little kid and kicked over the little bit I built. Why did she do that? Because she was jealous? Jealous of what money can’t buy.
Right now as I’m writing this I’m feeling very uncharitable towards her. In her little bitchy moment she helped to ruin something for me beyond that course.
I made a friend. He didn’t belong to me but I felt close to him and that felt pretty wonderful. She wanted that friend and she didn’t want me to be a part of that.
I was just me and a pretty messed up version at that time. She had success and money and big house and rich friends and contacts, contacts, contacts. Oh and you play tennis on my private court if you want.
How do you compete. They will trump you every time in what they can superficially offer.
Hmmm against broken down life, grief, emotion, crazy and wounded. Yep.. Very desirable.
And yet my friend still liked me. I’m not sure exactly why but I think it was because I was genuine and I was kind and caring and I was loving. I think?!
So what did she do. She questioned that to all the people I was friends with. “ I don’t believe it”. Putting the seeds of doubt in others. Undermining the thing I had to offer. I didn’t have the bright lights camera action stuff. I only had me.. who I was. I remember feeling it as I stood outside. Isn’t it strange how you have a sixth sense for these things. That you know you are being pulled down. I’ve felt it before so I know it. I waited out there, looking out over the balcony wishing I could just go home. My friend came out to find me. Did he feel guilty for being part of something that wasn’t nice? Maybe. He was the privilege too but he knew it. He questioned it and tried to understand what it looked like for others. I liked that. He was on the right lines. A little caught in his spoilt only child “it’s not fair. I want to do what I want to do” “no one cares about me” but many times I’ve read and heard him talk about how lucky he is. He got it more than most.

When I went home that night I felt pretty shit. I knew but I didn’t. That night changed the course of how I felt about myself through the rest of my time there. I questioned and doubted myself.

In her little throwaway moment of wanting to be the best, the most popular, she walked over me when I was at my most vulnerable. When she knew I was wounded. Who does that? What a crock to hear you talking of courses in compassion when you showed absolutely none to me.
You got your way. Well done. You’re the best. Did it make you happy?!

As for my friend.. when I found out about it all it completely obliterated all the trust I had built with them over three years. I struggle with trust and worked really hard to build that with them. I took so many steps forward in that. I really loved them. I shared something really special with them that money could never buy.
But I’m left feeling like I don’t know whether that was real or fake. Do they really care about me or were they using me? Or did they play the same thing on repeat with everyone? Or or or? It has made me question everything. What need did I fulfil for them? When they told me about something they were planning on doing I thought.. are you putting me in the middle? Shes my bitch!
What a crazy thing to think. Or is it? I didn’t want to be part of it.
It’s a strange thing when trust is lost.
Its left me with a sense of having no idea who they are now. Perhaps every part of who they were through those past three years was a lie. There’s an arrogance to them now that I don’t much get if I’m honest. You were lovelier without it but perhaps it will attract the sort of people you want to be around. You can be whoever you want to be. And perhaps I’m not the right person to be around that.
But I saw a lot of special stuff in you. I don’t know if I imagined it? but it looked pretty beautiful to me.

I guess for me it was all completely real. I haven’t really changed through the whole thing other than recovering from the upset of that period and becoming more sure of who I am and feeling my worth. More in charge of who I am and where I’m going. I know that I’m a good person who deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. And I know how to be happy and how to love so that tells me I have a great future ahead of me.
And there are lots of people who like me. I’m a decent person who cares about others And I’m lucky in those few special people I have around me.
And actually I feel really proud of who I am.

Saying about this out loud helps me to let it go. Ive drawn the line but now I want to walk forward.

I don’t have any interest in that woman now and never will. I think that she didn’t really discover a single thing about herself in that two years but perhaps she will as she goes along in her journey. She will certainly have the means to invest in more learning and experiences in that area.
I’m guessing you will always be a winner as people like you always are. And you can keep adding friends to your collection. But I will never feel jealous of you. Because you don’t have what I do. If you search for it you might eventually find it, but you won’t be able to buy it.

As for my friend.. I don’t know. It feels tough right now. My feelings towards them are very messy. On the one hand I think the world of them. I believe in them. I’m not sure what exactly that is right now but it’s what they need to be and I genuinely do care about them such a lot. More than they know.
But on the other hand I’m not sure if they are very good for me. It has felt very hard recently and lots of times I have been left feeling like I’m nothing.
And I don’t ever want to feel like that ever again.
Maybe in time we will find our way back together.
I hope so. Because of all the people I’ve ever met I connected with you in a way I never have before and that was so very special.

As for me I have stuff I want to make happen and I’m starting to focus on that. I don’t particularly want anything crazy amazing.
I still don’t care about money and success. I’m still very happy in simpleness. But just being comfortable and able to do things I want to do.
This turned out to be a very expensive course in every possible way. Was it worth it? Honestly I’m not quite sure. I think in everything I’ve learnt, probably.

But if I’m really honest it was all about the friendships in the end.
I have a few that I absolutely treasure.
But that particular friendship was very significant for me.  I will always love and care about them. I had thought that they would be a part of my life forever and the thought that they might not makes me incredibly sad. Friendship is a two way street.
But I guess only time will tell …

 

How not to be an arsehole!

How gloriously beautiful it was yesterday. After I finished work I had the rest of the day to enjoy it. I feel like I’m in a place of regenerating than full out living and the sun felt part of that in making me relax and powering me up.
I have huge plans of change and am feeling very focussed in that. There are a lot of things I want to do to change my world into something better and I’m pushing back in every direction to give myself the space to do that.

Yesterday I didn’t particularly want to be in the crowds. I didn’t need them. It felt like the summer equivalent to New Year’s Eve. Where everyone needs to be part of the same party but I feel the opposite. I’d prefer to have a party on all the other days when there’s no expectation. I can have fun in a hurricane. I guess it depends on what your perception of fun is. I would imagine the chances are it won’t necessarily match with mine. There is fun and there is being seen to be having fun. You only have to look at social media to see which one exists more these days.
I love the spontaneous moments of random. They happen when you least expect them and aren’t looking for them and it feels the most natural high of your life.
I can dance indoors and feel happier in that than being in a whole room full of people. It’s all in the moment.

So I took Miss L to meet my friend and we sat and chatted next to the pond in the forest. It was so perfect.
I had the best photo with Miss L. Like two peas in a pod lying next to each other.
It’s just so easy with her.
She just makes me happy and I feel like my warmth and care is completely enough. She embarrassingly came and slept next to me last night rather than G. Ooops.. I was asleep and didn’t realise till I woke up and there she was looking at me all lovingly.
I guess I am just happy with her all the time. That’s my natural way. And in return she bounces around or sits and cuddles. I guess when I think of our personalities we are probably exactly the same. And we both get what we need. Easy peasy. She brings out the best in me. I smiled as we drove back and she had her head on me in the way I saw in Italy. Now that felt pretty cool! And she isn’t mine.
So why then can that be so hard to find in relationships.
Is it because we speak?!😂
although I do find it in some.

It was lovely seeing my friend. How quickly time passes but how much I appreciate that time with her. She is a totally wonderful person. And very good for me. I think she sees the mistakes I make or when something isn’t good for me, but waits till I realise it and then confirms what she has always known. I have to come to those realisations myself.
I like being around her. It feels easy and chilled and I don’t have to feel guarded.

And then later in the evening I walked along the river with my friend.
He clocked arseholes everywhere. Love him.. he thinks most people are arseholes.. it makes me laugh. I said “you don’t even know them how can you tell? ”.
Apparently he has secret powers of deduction. And to be fair he has successfully called quite a few of the arseholes from my life without even meeting them saying you just don’t see it with your sweet nature.
Maybe he is right?!
If no one else, I know he doesn’t think I’m an arsehole which feels like a miracle. Although when he thinks I’m an idiot he won’t hold back in telling me. I always prefer the realness in that. And he isn’t an arsehole either. He is the kind of person who does so much for others. Huge amounts of care, completely genuine and loved by all those who know him. He’s a really good guy. I never quite understand why he helps others so much when he thinks they’re all arseholes. Maybe he is trying to teach them how not be??!

A couple of nights ago I had a message from a friend I respect hugely. She is intelligent, confident, opinionated and has a real presence.
Behind that she is also actually very gentle, warm and caring and often she tries to hide this side as though it is a weakness.
And yet this is the thing she champions most in me. I always admire her strength and confidence.
I loved her very sweet message.
“You are loved by many M”. You are very lovable.
Made me feel like a lovable puppy.
It was a lovely thing to receive from someone that others wouldn’t necessarily expect that from. It was so appreciated in that moment especially as I wasn’t feeling particularly loved. Or lovable. Quite the opposite actually as I sat there on my own with Miss L.

But as the sun continues shining this morning I received a delivery of flowers in appreciation of me.
How lovely.
Somehow I must be doing something right.
I don’t want to be an arsehole in life. I want to be friendly sunshine for happy days.
Perhaps for some my only purpose is to cheer them on rainy days as opposed to when the sun is shining and those “cool kids” come out to play.
That made me feel pretty shit.
I was thinking about who the “cool kids” are. They are in fact the not so “cool kids”.
A little like shoreditch.. when the masses move in, the ground shakers, the uniques doing it their own way, and the people who don’t ever want to become part of the game, move on to somewhere new.

And that thought made me feel like I want to dance.

Master of my own ship

Yesterday I sat in the captains seat of the HMS Belfast. Captain of the “The most significant surviving naval warship of the Second World War”.
I felt pretty epic sitting there at the helm as though ready to sail it out into the ocean.
It still holds that same dormant power that I felt when i was a kid. Walking along aware it was there but never exploring what lay beyond that outer shell.
Well yesterday I did and what a truly amazing and magical experience that was accompanied by Supernan. A person that knows a thing or two about warships in action and has a quiet power that inspires me every time he is in the house.
He always turns up in the right moments and I had asked if I could go with him. Just the walk alone powered me up in my superhero WW who matches the others in my own unique and gentle abilities. I found myself chatting to him about standards and commitment. His are very high. They are instilled in him and they have served him well through his life. For him they were a matter of life and death. I was thinking how much they mean to me. In a different way but with an equal importance. For me it is all about treating others as I would wish to be treated. Something that is on my mind right now in questioning how much I get that right and how much I get it wrong. But the fact that it is in my mind tells me how important that is.
Why do I have so few really close friends. Because my standards are so high. I expect a lot from others and sometimes it is impossible for people to live up to those expectations. Who sets those standards. Me?
I often find myself shielding others from my disappointment in them not meeting them. Or do I shield myself from the disappointment by expecting less. Is there an invisible line between not wishing to judge others and accepting less that I think I deserve. The only thing I really know to be true is the only person I can set those standards for is myself. I realised recently that I expect very little from those I’m not close to or I don’t have real love and care for. They can be as they please to me and it might irritate me a bit but generally they haven’t met my minimum which is being genuine. I have a radar for that.
It’s the one thing I always try to be. Fundamental without genuiness I choose alone rather than pretence.
I spend a lot of time in my head questioning my own integrity, my own sense of self, my own strengths and weak nesses. How can i really be of any worth to others if I’m not true myself.
As I sat in that captains seat I knew I was worth something. More than many others can often see.
But who cares. Chances are they’ve never really questioned themselves and therefore how can they really know who they are. And I guess If they don’t really know who they are then how the hell will they be able to see me.
So much easier to judge others than turn the mirror on yourself. Often I am a much harsher judge on myself than anyone else could ever be. And yet I think I’m pretty ok. At least I’m always trying.
Of course in true captain M style I couldn’t sail that ship without incident. I left my bag on the captains seat ready to cause a major security alert in an unidentified package.
I only realised as I was walking back,
with visions of the ship being evacuated and ending up on the ten o’clock news with my positive vibes bag being the culprit. Oooops.
I chuckled to myself. In thinking, in all my ability to be able to steer my own ship I always make some little fluff or blunder that can escalate into something worse. But not on this occasion. Straight back on that ship and called in the crew. They went in search of those good vibes and came back all smiley faced in averting an incident. Sometimes you need a few trusted and friendly faces who have got your back.
Doesn’t matter how strong the ship is or how well the captain knows it. It ain’t going nowhere without a crew of others. Their different talents, personalities, and experiences will be the difference between winning those battles or losing them or just enjoying sailing in the sun.
And just like yesterday, I feel like I have the greatest crew, who are there with me whatever battles or smooth sailing lie ahead. I might sometimes ask for a little more or want to push them overboard when they upset me but I am a captain who will always give more than I ask for or I’ll go down with the ship trying.
I know how lucky I am in the people I care about even if sometimes they might not feel it.
Because I know that when push comes to shove I have the best crew ever and even if they don’t know it, I most certainly do.

Appreciation

Last night a very dear friend of mine shared her experience of being part of the ceremony of saying goodbye to someone.
As she put it, she didn’t know him well. And yet she had shared with me who he was to her which in itself said a lot about both of them.
Through the time she had spent with him and what she had observed and felt it warranted the need to be there to be part of that celebration of someone’s life as well as being part of all the emotions that come with that, whether that be for that person, or the feelings of others who that person was very special to, or remembering and thinking of the special people in your own life.
It confirmed much of what I know about her. She has a genuineness that comes from a very special place. She is individual and beautiful inside and out with a huge awareness in both herself and others. I feel truly lucky to have her as a friend. She teaches me so much about the sort of person I want to be.
There is such an integrity to the way she thinks and behaves and is one of the things I love most about her.
I felt so happy that she shared and I took so much from her words which related a lot to how I’ve been feeling.
Did she know that? Maybe not but it sure helped me in how I was feeling.

Why did the man in the bank make me feel so happy this morning. Because he saw me smile and that was enough.
I didn’t have to be interesting, or amazingly beautiful or do anything for him or be anything other than a person that smiled. And he showed his appreciation by telling me I was beautiful. That one sentence made my day. It made me feel beautiful and like someone in the world appreciated me.
What a lovely thing that is to be appreciated for just existing.

I made a decision in something this morning. It seemed small. But these things sit with me for a while as I work out exactly how I feel and where they fit with me.
It went against the majority but that wasn’t my purpose. It was all about doing what felt right for me rather than what was right for everyone else. I took some time to explain it in the best way possible. My intention was not to segregate myself but to assert my own need rather than that of others. I care about them. It wasn’t about caring about me more but doing what felt right for me. Because strangely I feel like I got so much more from being pushed to the brink. Challenged beyond what I thought were my own limits. It made he see how quiet strength and resilience and pure care and love can win out and also leave you feeling good in the way you did it. I can hold my head up and be proud of who I was in that even if I made mistakes. I’ve always owned them.

Just after I sent my thoughts I received a response from my friend. The really special friend that I have struggled with very much lately in our differences. And yet they were the only person to say something to me.
Having felt so angry with them lately it made me cry. That small thing meant a huge amount and reminded me how much I misunderstand their way. That’s why I hang in there in that friendship. I think that in all our differences of which there are many, just like fairies, I believe in them. Because I think they believe in me.
I guess sometimes it’s hard to keep that faith when you don’t see them.

I have realised lately that I have a need to feel the same appreciation as I give. I don’t expect a carnival. Just little reminders that I matter.
Another very dear friend indirectly reminded me of the importance in that a couple of weeks ago and has made me look for the balance in having more time for those I love and care about. It’s important. Actually it’s essential. Because this world can make you feel like you don’t matter and it’s very easy to start believing that no matter how much you believe in yourself.

It’s why really loving others is worth so much more to me than all the superficial distractions of life. I’ve always known that but how easy it can be to be blinded by those lights.
I need them sometimes for some balance but not as much as I need love.

So where am I left tonight.
Still supporting said friend at work who feels so sad and said she wishes she was like me which she described as the bubbliest and sweetest person in the world.
Didn’t I say that about her!!!! 😊
Only Wonder Woman can explain that battle to rise. We are all only human.

And yet even though I feel very small in this big world, more than ever I’m wanting to treasure what really matters to me. With everything I am. Whether I get it right or wrong or somewhere in between. And perhaps for some it might not be enough and I have to accept that but it won’t ever be for the want of trying.

Sometimes you have to take it back to old fashioned basics.
Sending out every bit of love that I possess tonight knowing that there are people out there that care about me too. ❤️ and caring about each other is the only thing in life that really matters.

Blowing bubbles next to a blue sky

Today I was up very early. Things to do.
The sun is shining which makes it that bit harder to stay in doors and sort the things that I’ve been putting off.
Those practicalities of life that require a laptop.
I just about manage with that at work.
But not to be deterred I decided to put on a holiday dress. I may not be going to the beach but I can look like I am. Completely not fitting with the wardrobe of the local high street but fuck it, I love it and I feel like wearing it in the sun.
I saw it in the window of a charity shop last year and it was always going to be mine.
A strapless maxi dress. Sky blue with white tie dye that makes it look lit it is covered in fluffy white clouds. I was a walking sky.
I had a couple of jobs to do one of which was going to the bank. As I wandered in there was a queue. I was standing behind a tall black man with a beard. He was older. Late forties at a guess. But he was blowing bubble gum bubbles and he looked about eight. It made me smile.
As I smiled he said something to me. I didn’t quite catch it.
I said “sorry what was that?”
He said “you look so beautiful”.
What a lovely thing to be told in the queue of the bank. .
“Thankyou so much I said”
I commented on him blowing bubbles. He told me that his family always tell him off. He’s too old to blow bubble gum bubbles.
“How can you be too old for that” I said.
We both decided that you can never be too old to do anything if it makes you happy.
He went on to show me a picture of his young son and his new baby grandson. A handsome boy and a cute baby. He looked so proud.
As we were chatting an old lady came in with her walking stick. Come to the front he said. We can wait. She looked pleased and off she went to the front of the queue before our counters became available.
As I left I said to him how lovely it was to meet him and he checked that I had my sunglasses. I did.
And behind those glasses my eyes felt like they were sparkling in feeling some sweetness from a stranger.
Little things make such a huge difference in my world.